In all honesty, I think at this point my answer to that question would be, "not good." Not that my life is bad. I've just come to a point of exhaustion. I knew it was coming too.. God gave me some warning. Around the time of See You At the Pole I was SO encouraged. I was encouraged by SYATP, I was encouraged by an email I got from one of the Salt Co staff guys, I was encouraged by my Bible study and my quiet times and just life. It was great. Not that those things are discouraging now, I just knew that soon I would be headed for rough waters. I knew when I smiled at the encouraging email that God was sending a life ring. It was almost as if he handed it to me saying, "Hey, you're gonna need this real soon." It was like when you can smell the rain in the air before it gets here and it turns out to be some crazy big storm with thunder and lightning and torrents of rain.
You would assume that since I knew it was coming that I did all I could to batten down the hatches and prepare myself for a storm. I didn't, really. I didn't slow down enough to let myself prepare. And now I've found myself in a lifeboat with broken oars and while rowing gets me nowhere I'm still exhausting myself in an attempt to keep the thing from taking on too much water and sinking. What I need is a rescue, I think.
But, I'm not sure it's a storm I'm in, actually. My pastor sometimes talks about there being a dark night of the soul. A time where the lights are gone and there is darkness. And in that darkness, there is pain.
And I wish I could pinpoint what causes the pain exactly. I mean, there are a lot of things in my life right now that are causing pain. But I think the greatest anguish of my heart is that I go before the Lord every day, multiple times a day and pour out my heart to Him but the pain is still there. I spend hours before him and I listen to His voice and read His Word and yet the pain remains. Everyday I ask Him to take away the pain and every day He quiets me with His love but tells me to wait. And there is pain in waiting. He tells me He loves me and tells me He has a plan and I trust Him. I know He has a plan. His plans are always great. But sometimes the darkness is overwhelming.
Not all my pain is because I have to wait. Some of it is because I am easily snared into believing the devil's lies. Lies about my identity and my worth. Lies about my value.
And there are other things, too, that pull and wrench at my heart. And currently I think my heart looks like it went through a meat grinder.
But I wouldn't say my joy is all gone. It's there. Somewhere deep within there is a joy that is not shaken and the darkness cannot reach it. And somewhere deep within I know I am loved. I know that I need to wait and ride out the storm. But when you're in the thickest, blackest, darkest part of it, it's hard to see the hope. It's hard to see how far in you are and how much longer you have to keep going in it. It's hard to see God. In fact, I don't think I can at all. But I do feel Him. Which is a little odd for me.. most the time I'm discouraged because I can see Him but not feel Him. I know I'm being carried in all of this, but it still hurts.
Perhaps this is like the time I was little and stepped on two bees with the same foot in a matter of 15 seconds. My dad carried me back to the house but my foot still hurt the whole time I was being carried.
In fact, the pain stayed with me for a week after that and my foot swelled so big I couldn't put a shoe on. So I guess for now I just need to cling to knowledge that at some point hope will rise and the darkness will tremble. At some point my savior is going to come crashing through the thick dark clouds and whisk me away on his horse and together we shall ride away into the sunset and live happily ever after.
Until then, I'll just put my hands up and wait.
Restored my life, and I was redeemed,
The moment you entered my life,
Amazing grace, Christ gave that day,
My life was changed,
Went from my shoulders, fell the weight of my sin
So it's with everything I am,
I reach out for your hand,
The hope that changed a second chance I've gained,
On you I throw my life, casting all my fears aside,
How could greater love than this, ever possibly exist
Consume my thoughts, as I rest in you,
I'm now in love, with a Saviour,
Bearing the marks of his love
So I wait upon you now,
With my hands released to you,
Where a little faiths enough,
To see mountains lift and move,
Yeah and I wait upon you now,
Dedicated to your will,
To this love that will remain,
A love that never fails
No comments:
Post a Comment