Dear Weary and Heavy Laden,

Somedays, I'm organized enough to bring all my things to office with me..including my laptop, my scarf knitting project, my tablet, my chargers....stuff. Other days, like today, I settled on just my tablet...assuming I wouldn't be inspired to write a blog and would be entertained enough just to explain and correct Kolby's schoolwork. 

As it turns out, I've been mulling over some thoughts and I'm left to type them up on a touch screen with my thumbs. Oh well.

Mom says she likes when I write the pictures/ analogies of Jesus because it helps her understand better, and through several Jesus talks with my friends lately, I've been seeing my Jesus at work through the painful stuff.

I was just waking up the other day when my phone buzzed a text message from a friend that implied the day was not off to a pleasant joy filled start. Which immediately launched into a discussion of what Jesus might doing..since we know all crappy days are from The Lord just the same as the good ones. 

I used to think The Lord had made for us a path, straight and narrow and alls we had to do is stick to said narrow path and we'd be on good ground. Any trials we faced came from falling off said path...
No..no no, that's just a farce. In his heart, man plans his ways, but The Lord directs his steps. 

¹ The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
²     He makes me lie down in green pastures, and sometimes I collapse on rocky ground
he leads me beside quiet waters, and is with me when the waters are deep
³     he refreshes my soul. Some how some way when it is too weary to go on
He guides me along the right paths,  though rough and treacherous and full of trials
    for his name’s sake.
⁴ Even though I walk and sometimes crawl and sometimes faint
    through the darkest valley and roughest hardship and most anguishing losses, 
I will fear no evil, I will believe no lie about my identity, I will not despair
    for you are with me; always, even to the end of the age. 
your rod and your staff, are strong and constant
    they comfort me. Because I know you fight for me, and I need only to be still.

⁵ You prepare a table before me sometimes a feast, sometimes a day's provision of manna.
    in the presence of my enemies. Who tell me I am worthless and inadequate and not good enough and too much and reject able and postponable and brush-off-able...
You anoint my head with oil; you set your seal of ownership on me and place your spirit in my heart as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.
    my cup overflows. Sometimes with tears, sometimes with joy, but always with you.
⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me even if I wander, even if I run...you take off running after me
    all the days of my life, that you ordained for me before time began. 
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever. Because you want me there. You picked me out of 6 billion and said, "I wanna share my heaven with you because you are mine and you bless me. I have prepared this place, just for you. I did not leave you or forsake you, I went before you and was with you. You walked through a valley because I took out a mountain for you. You climbed a mountain because I raised a valley. You trudged through mud and water because I put out a fire. Because I love you. Because I want you. Because I made you. Because you are mine."

There is no straight, narrow, easy path. It's up and down and deep and wide and good and bad and crazy. Like the Israelites wandering their 40years through the dessert, we got our tickets for the long way 'round. Not because of sin, necessarily, but because there are others, lost in the wilderness, unaware the promised land even exists. And in our own wanderings, we find them. We stumble over them in the valleys and we greet them on mountain summits. We tell them, "come with us, you are valuable and precious." And  sometimes they find us and trip over us in the darkness, as we lie crumpled in a fetal position, too beat down to wander any further. And The Lord tells us, "blessed are those who have someone to help pick them up. I am with both of you and together we form a chord of three strands" and he sends us out in pairs of twos, with the same reassurance of being there also.  

And The Lord blesses us beyond that, even. He gives us three friends or four or five or six and says, "here, bless each other, pray for each other, fight for each other, encourage each other and know that I am here with all of you. I go before you and walk beside you and I am your rear guard behind you"

And in the midst of all that, The Lord still plucks our own, individual, unique-to-only-us hearts out of  all of them and works on them just specially. He sits down at his workbench and dismantles them and details them with care and precision. He sees the rough edges of our harden hearts and takes them to his blacksmith shop and hold them in the fire before pounding them out on an anvil. He clips and cuts and remakes and washes and polishes and doctors and repairs day by day by day by day. He loves you too much. He doesn't rest. He says, "I am He who began a good work in you, and I will be faithful to carry it out to completion and I will work on it until the day Christ comes back. So know this, My Love, you will feel it. I breathed life into your lungs and into your heart so that you could feel, and you will not be numb to the the trials, you will be cut to the deepest places so that I may fill in the deepest places with my love."

"My love is big, precious. It is too big for your heart. So I will break your heart and make it bigger. I will fill it fuller and I will grow it stronger." 

"So rest, dear one. For I have called you by name and you are mine. It is not your job to fix or fuss or worry or wonder. You need only to trust and have faith and hold on and cling to me with all of the strength I have given you. And hold on tight...because its gonna be wild" 

"I have come so that you may have life, and life to the full." That is a wild promise. That's a promise that he will take you cliff jumping off rocky mountains and skydiving through inclimate weather and scuba diving through deep waters where sharks and eels wait for their meals. You will go spelunking through lions dens and rock climbing out of valleys. You'll bungee jump off of giant waterfalls and you'll feel yanked around and slightly violated. Your muscles will be sore and your back will ache and you'll be thirsty for water and your hands will be blistered and your legs will be bruised....but you will have lived. You will have breathed fresh, crisp mountain air and you will have drank from sweet springs. And the water will be the most refreshing water you have tasted. You will swim in hot springs and find freshwater pearls amongst oysters and clams. And you will know what it is to live. You will be battered and bruised and rained out and snowed in and caught up in tornados and hurricanes....but you will have lived. 

And it is for this reason that you press on toward the goal. To receive the prize. To receive an audience with the maker of the universe. To climb the last mountain with the last ounce of strength and to reach for the last hand hold, only to find that it is a hand holding yours...pulling you up to eternity. 

Because to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

And "to die, would be an awfully big adventure."

The Real Proverbs 31 Woman

I am not married, of course, but as a young Christian woman, I have been well exposed to the "Proverbs 31 Woman"... or the "Pinterest 31 Woman" as some ladies would call her now. 

Kind meaning people tell us young women that this wife of noble character is our heroine after whom we should model our godly young lives. "Don't waste your single-ness waiting for a man, you can do all these things before you even get married." 

I try, of course. As much as one can. And I have learned me something or two about this amazing woman who has achieved such high status among the city gates. 

While scrubbing away at a cookie sheet with burnt caramelize apple crisp residue baked deep into the scratches, and feeling the SOS pad fibers making their way into the cracks in my hands, I thought about the complete lack of glamor such a woman of great character would have. Seeing that I have yet to make it into the first line of such an ode for woman so great and worthy of praise, I understand that any comments I might have about the woman are probably invalid since my humble life callings for the present time do not include the titles of "Wife" or "mother". BUT! I have a feeling that if *I* were ever to attain such titles, I could probably fill you all in on the between-the-lines happenings of our heroic model. 

^[a]A wife of noble character who can find? ( Why doesn't everybody stop here and realize that the wisest man on earth in history ever is asking this question!? That should say a lot about how basically impossible this woman's existence is anyhow..)
    
She is worth far more than rubies. ( And she can die happy because she is "Worth it" which is REALLY what every woman wants) 
¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her 
    and lacks nothing of value.
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life. (This part I'll ignore for now since I don't have room to comment)
¹³ She selects wool (sweaters) and flax (Good for the digestive health, she's heard) 
    and works with eager hands
 that are callused and blistered from all her endeavors.
¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
    bringing her food from afar
Because goodness knows you gotta travel across town for the organic stuff.
¹⁵ She gets up while it is still night because little children are screaming from nightmares and ear infections;
    she provides food for her family that she may or may not have burnt while trying to multitask scrubbing the kitchen floor.
    and portions for her female servants who are also the oldest of her children.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it ; cuz it was on sale, marked down 35%
    out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. 
But who knows if she has a green thumb or not, probably she forgets about it and it grows lots of weeds. 
¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously; Because channeling anger toward dishes is sometimes the best option.
    her arms are strong for her tasks because hoisting children + groceries + the barney bag purse with everything you need = muscles. 
Her hair is all out of place and falling in front of her face
Her shirts stained with wash water and whatever was left on her child's face.
¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable especially since its impossible to be skilled in EVERY area and if someone else has skills..Praise the Lord. 
    and her lamp does not go out at night 
because she was so tired she fell asleep before she turnt off the light.
¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
    and grasps the spindle with her fingers that she has
 already poked a billion times.
²⁰ 
Her stitches aren't perfect and her projects not always complete.. 
She opens her arms to the poor
    and extends her hands to the needy. Knowing she is in need of major help and they can cut some sort of deal.
²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household; Only fear for the floors she just scrubbed on her hands and knees. For she is wise and knows that snow = mud. 
    for all of them are clothed in scarlet found at Goodwill for $2.50 (It was the only color available). 
²² She makes coverings for her bed; Not perfectly, of course. But good enough. 
    she is clothed in fine linen and purple. Because she found it at a garage sale for 75 cents
²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate, . 
    where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them at the local farmers market or on Etsy,
    and supplies the merchants with sashes in all cute colors and patterns.
²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity and sass and a little bit of "Suck-it-up";
    she can laugh at the days to come because the Bible told her not to worry over them and that's the only other option.
²⁶ She speaks with wisdom ,
    and faithful instruction is on her tongue. Along with other words that she holds back and dare not utter out loud in front of the children. 
²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household like a hawk because she knows if she turns her back for one stinkin' second, some little kid is gonna plug the upstairs sink before flooding the house. 
    and does not eat the bread of idleness. Because she's only gonna eat the gluten free whole grain high vitamin kind. 
²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed just before asking what there is to eat and if they can have a cookie, for her children know that flattery is magic; 
    her husband also, and he praises her because if he doesn't, and she works hard, he can sleep on the couch otherwise:
²⁹ “Many women do noble things,
    but you surpass them all.” <--wise words to say to women when they are worn out. 
³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; Especially because of all the work around the house to worry about.. Lord knows that outword beauty is lost on clean windows and happy,  not hungry children. 
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Let's appreciate THIS phrase... wouldn't it be nice if the world counted fearing the Lord as all the worth you needed?? 
³¹ Honor her for all that her hands have done or have attempted to have done,
    and let her works bring her praise at the city gate cuz she's a woman and she needs to be affirmed .

Enough is Just Right

Harvest is here! I was asked yesterday if I like being home during harvest. Yes! I do! I don't think in the last 5 years that I made it home in October very much... Usually Thanksgiving was the time to visit and the crops are usually out of the field by then. 

It's a beautiful thing to drive by fields and fields with combines faithful at work to bring in the beans and the corns before the nice weather disappears into more rain and cold. It's been sunny with a high of 75 the last couple days and between the corn ready to go, the turning leaves and the dying grasses, the view is gold. EVERYwhere is golden. The sun makes everything more golden. I LOVE the color. 

Perhaps the Lord built heaven out of gold so as to emphasize that the harvest is in. Or perhaps harvest is gold to remind us that heaven is the end result of our labors. Either way... I like the view. The sunsets are amazing and yard work is my favorite. I've missed having a plot of earth that needed to be cared for and maintained. I really enjoy mowing the lawn and I haven't minded that the rains and warm weather has the lawn asking to be trimmed again, even though we're half way through October. 

I also love that the grass is still green and growing because the cows have happily been chomping down and staying in the place. At least none has got out for at least 36hours. 

Now is an important time to keep them in because the corn field surrounded our plot of existence hasn't been touched yet. Perhaps because the nice farmer man who usually farms it was in a head on collision car-accident a couple months ago. Dad thinks he's paralyzed but I've heard speculations that he might be walking with therapy. (Farmer life gossip I guess). Either way, my hopes are with whomever decides to harvest the corns for him because we've come darn close to having our cows jump in there and forever gone. 

We've been steadily working on the treehouse. Or, I guess you should call it trees house. It spans across two trees. Dad takes building projects seriously and the youngest sons of the household will reap major benefits. Assuming any of us other kids get married and have children, they will be spoiled when visiting grandparents. We've all been sore, splinted, bruised and scratched via this project. But it's really fun to be a part of, I think. Even though it's a group effort, I like looking out at it and thinking, "I helped build that." I have come to be a master of a drill and a hammer and T-square, level, tape measure, and all the other measure-it-as-near-as-perfect-as-possible tedious kinda tools that ESFP's would otherwise consider a complete waste of time. Dad is a J. He likes things done right. And he will painstakingly spend minutes and hours getting measurements and angles and cuts JUST RIGHT. This annoys me, but the treehouse looks excellent and I don't ever see it coming down in a big storm. 

Another thing that I've really come to enjoy is any and every encounter I have with PJ. 

Peej, as I call him when i decide to abbreviate PJ is one of the senior pastors at my parent's church. He joined the church sometime while I was in high school. He's name is Jay... but goes by Pastor Jay, which is obviously why he is called PJ. 

One of the first sermons he ever preached in our church, he asked the congregation the question, "Wouldn't it be something if they ever figured out how to make alcohol out of corn? There's so much corn in Iowa!" The church was filled with smiles and laughter and good cheer and us young youth knew at that point that this was a man who could lead our flock well. 

And lead he does. His good nuggets and morsels of laughter that sprinkle seasoning into every sermon have only gotten better with age. From him ACTING OUT how a baby roots for milk TWICE in one sermon, to the unmentionable one's that shouldn't be repeated... but are around campfires and cocoa cups,  he remains to be one of my favorite humans to stand behind a pulpit on a sunday morning. 

Even as recent as THIS PAST SUNDAY he continues to have the best one-liners in prayer and out of it. This past Sunday he used the illustration of a shar pei dog owned by a rich man who hired one of PJ's friends in college to watch the house and the dog. (I hope you're following). 

Now, some people might say the dog got out and was hit by a truck or killed by a truck or lost his life when a truck hit him. Not PJ, though. PJ of course, will give it to ya straight. 

"Dockwa was flattened by a truck. He got out and was flattened. My friend lost his job because that ugly dog was squished flat." 

Which made his closing prayer just as precious as can be. PJ prayed, "Oh Lord, I'm thankful we are worth more than dogs and are not replaceable like dogs." He prayed more stuff, of course, but these are the sorts of things that I remember. 

To a point where I play PJ sermon bingo! It's my favorite thing! Mom turned over one of my bingo boards one day and I thought poor PJ might be a little less than enthused but, I was thankfully wrong. PJ loves my bingo almost as much as I do and has told me more than once that I should pass it out to the whole congregation. He even offered to get me a list of everyone who sleeps in church and maybe that'd be a good place to start expanding my bingo friend circle.  

PJ. I feel sorry for any church that doesn't have a PJ. He has never failed to bring laughter into the sanctuary on days I didn't think people were even awake. Every church should have a PJ. 

You'd think the goodness of PJ would only exist on a Sunday morning? Oh no no. PJ is great basically all the time. 

He's also great in that he is one of the 3 humans at parent's church that acknowledges my existence and says "hi" every now and again. And of the 3 humans who do, he is the one that says the most words or takes the most time doing so. Being an extrovert, this is one of the few things in this part of Iowa that puts a little life into my heart every now and again, which makes me especially grateful. 

As I've said in previous blogs, I've quite become okay being an anonymous nobody since it means I can dress in jeans and a sweatshirt almost every time I go into town and get away with it. Heck, I've even worn my mud boots in public. My heart has not been touched to the bottomest places for a long while but PJ, at least, makes me smile enough for survival. 

Besides, God never promised we'd be overflowingly abundently joyful and loved to the bottomest places ALL the time. He said he'd make us prosper. And prosper I do. I have a blessed life. The Lord is here and the Lord is good. Peej is how the Lord chooses to remind me that He is good.

Another really great thing is the kids club they've let me join for the bit to volunteer as a helper in the preschool group. As a retired nanny, I do miss my kids pretty often. My heart sprang to life two weeks ago when on a little hay ride through an apple orchard in Iowa City, we happened to pull up to where my old nanny kids were waiting to get on. Ahh what a joy! It was good to see them!

Anyways, kids club. First of all... I've NEVER been good at basket ball. I avoided it like the plague in high school and never really even came close to touching a ball in college. I have friends who play and are amazing. I have friends who shoot hoops just for fun and are great. I never even did that. Because..air balls, ya know. I'm 23 and stink at the sport and I don't care to impress anyone with it anyways. 

BUT! At our leader's meeting before starting the whole kids club thing, they said leaders should arrive 15 minutes early so as to get in good with the kids by playing and interacting with them. My little sister has to be at church AN HOUR early for her youth group worship team practice which annoyed me at first but I've come to love it. 1) Because that's when I encounter PJ the most and 2) because that means I'm the first one into the gym and *I* get to pick what game we play and all the kids come ask me if they can join and play with me.  

I love this especially because I felt like the new kid since day one and told all the kids I had no friends. The oldest ones are in 6th grade, but I think they understand new kids not having friends and they have made me to feel loved by letting me play with them. 

Knock out is now my favorite game ever. I play mostly with the 6th grade boys... who are amazing. But as the Lord's goodness would have it, I have improved enough to make shots on my first try. This ends up being my salvation since Newell boys are born and bred basketball and so when I say they are in 6th grade and playing basketball, it means that they have 12 years of experience that I don't have. BUT! I'm usually one of the last 3 in the game and this has me proud. PLUS, it makes me the adult that the 6th grade boys listen to..even though most of them thought I was a sophomore in high school when we started. I don't mind, I feel too old and too young to exist here all at once, so the fact that most humans think I'm in high school is a compliment and makes me feel more like I belong. 

And the little little kids.. the preschoolers are total dolls! I mean, they're fairly naughty, but it's so darn precious, I often find myself chuckling at their mis-deeds before I remember that *I'm* the adult who's supposed to be telling them to behave. They are so cute. 

I like little kids. They make me feel like I have a purpose at the church. It's not much, since I only just show up and do stuff for about an hour and half, which isn't much. But it's just enough. 

"Enough" has been the theme of my sustaining graces lately. I like 'enough.' It's a humbling place, spiritually. Like Elijah who received bread from the ravens, which was just enough.. not a feast or a large meal, but enough. He was fed and he did fine. 

Thoughts and Glimpses

I used to count the days that passed since arriving here. Now we are into a countdown... only one month more before I seek and find else where. This makes me nervous, but I'm excited at the idea of humans. 

Although I haven't found any around me, I am, in fact, quite connected to encouragement. I have 9 siblings, and 5 cousins, and an honorary Kohl that have google chat on our tablets. We have reunions every now and again, catching the bunch of us up on each other's lives and speaking life into each other. 

I LOVE technology. The fact that we are all spread across 5 different states, 9 different cities, and miles and miles of separation, but STILL can get together on a Sunday night to ask how we can pray for each other is SO sweet. 

And besides that, I have "come up for air" every now and again and find myself in Des Moines or Iowa City on a weekend... usually only briefly, but enough to make sure that my life lines on the other ends of my device screen are also surviving life in their corner of the world. Honestly, it's my favorite when I arrive home and know there will be nothing to see on Facebook or any other social media site, simply because I just interacted with my humans in person and there was no need for artificial interaction. 

And to admit my complete nerdy side that has emerged since my arrival, a certain computer game I enjoyed as a child has come out with an online portal, hooking my computer to the computers of my friends and brothers in other towns and I can spend an evening battling the evil civilizations of the ancient world with the aide of my friends... unless I'm battling my friends. Either way.. it's a form of connection that I thank the Lord for and I try not to take for granted having technology at my finger tips. 

I'm not big into all that.. but when it's what you have, you can be thankful for it. And besides the online stuff, I have grown in my relationships with my brothers and sister here and have come to enjoy and appreciate their company. 

Homeschooling Kolby, doing cow chores with Kyle, painting and crafting with Eva, and also taking turns taking one of them on the road with me. I would say my patience has grown and my frustrations at the different environment has subsided. It is what it is. You can't change things, you can't control things, you just do what ya do and worry nothing past your own self. 

Being on the road is nice too! I mean, it hasn't ALWAYS been my favorite thing, but sometimes I forgo tromping around the farms taking on the smell of the foaming pits in the hog buildings. Sometimes, I drive to whatever near by, hole-in-the-field little town and hunt for the local library. Gas station coffee in hand, I usually find myself a cozy chair and rest in the moment. It's usually less than an hour, but it's something. I'm not usually one to enjoy doing things on my own, but I enjoy feeling like lone traveler. Popping in and out of little towns where the humans just stare at you like you came from another planet. 

Perhaps I'm actually Dr. Who... just kidding. But I AM a time traveler. I come from the 21st century and often find myself in the 80s or 90s. Do people out here even know what skinny jeans are? I can't tell. 

Sometimes we go into what I like to call, "mythical towns." These I call because they think they are a town, but really they're just a collection of about 10 houses within walking distance of each other in the middle of a corn field. 

My favorite so far has been Carnarvon. What a name. It's the tiniest little town in the middle of a corn field outside of Wall Lake, IA. It has a church, 11 houses, and a post office the size of Christian Miller's bathroom. But the very best part is a very large business that sells boats. BOATS. Pontoons, speed boats, jet skies... BOATS. In the middle of Iowa. In the middle of a corn field in Iowa. MOST of the town is taken up by boats. 

Carnarvon.. the mythical town in the middle of a corn field in Iowa that sells boats. I should write a book about it. 

So, really, things are good. Joy comes steadily and consistently and life is easy. No trials, really. Unless you count getting muddy goat hooves imprinted all over your fresh clothes after having showered and readied yourself to retire for the night before the cows got out (again). Those aren't bad tho. I could complain about the muddy goat hoof prints on my car, or the goats themselves that won't get off my hood when I need to leave... but it's just an inconvenience at best. 

If anything, I think I could write a comedic book about my life here. Including how often I get asked where I want to go to college when I finish highschool, what the little kids say to me at the kids club I help out at, my rebellious wearing of Hawkeye gear at every ISU presentation I attend, or even just a day in the life of Fern. 

I could probably tell you about the day I finally caught the mouse that was driving me crazy and how I made eye contact with it in its little sticky trap and screamed for a half a minute before I realized that wasn't going to change the fact that I was making eye contact with a live, fat mouse on the kitchen counter. I could tell you how we gave that fat mouse to the cat but didn't bother to take it out of the sticky trap and the poor cat got the sticky trap stuck to itself. I could tell you how we attempted to rescue the poor cat from the sticky trap until we realized that the mouse's tail was still stuck in it and we weren't going anywhere near it and the darn cat could wear it for life as far as we were concerned. 

But usually, I'm too tired to remember the parts that make me chuckle so much. I arrived home Sunday night from a long drive and considered it a miracle that I'd managed to keep my eyes open the whole way home. Completely exhausted and imagining I would grab my weekend travel bag and pillow and make a b-line for a hot shower, PJs, and my bed, I was reminded very quickly that life in a family is different from life on your own. If I lived on my own, those plans would have been reasonable. But I hadn't even shut off my car engine when my little brother came running up out of the dark to inform me I was just in time to haul a heavy truck bed cover across the farm, through the woods, and over the back of the truck full of feed... before the cold drizzling rain got too bad. I don't even remember too much of it, but I know that once finished with the job, opted out of the hot shower part and just went to bed. 

It was honestly a little comforting to arrive home and still be needed. I'm learning a lot about not being selfish or having ideal desires in my mind. I wish I knew how many times Jesus got called away from something by his mother or father and just did it with a good attitude. It's probably good that his childhood is not recorded much in the Bible.. because homeschool parents everywhere would probably get stuck on those passages and forget to teach kids the rest of the Bible. (that was a joke btw)... But really. The good attitude stuff is what you ask the Lord for because there's no written formula on it anywhere that I've found.