To say it is Monday would be an obvious statement, but such an intro has more meaning than the simple implication as to what day of the week it is. Most people like to start their week by hitting the ground running. Mine has thus far started by the ground hitting me. I'm not the only one either.
As it is, I'm back to life as I took a whole week spent in the most glorious pocket of family and Jesus that anyone could ever wish to have. A week with no cell phone or internet or much concept of time. Just family and joy and laughter. No need for a vehicle or anything that might cause anxiety. Our only need for knowing the time was so that we didn't miss dinner altogether for our slap-Uno games that would carry on forever whilst hands turned red and fingers got jammed and caught on other's fingernails.
Now it's back to schedules and responsibility and the normal things that come with all those things.
In general, I don't typically experience a ton of anxiety. Not much things in my life come as a surprise any more.
Today,though, there happens to be an anxious cloud of worry enveloping my heart. My van's transmission has decided to act up and the lurching and engine racing that takes place when the gears try to shift doesn't much set my heart at ease. If only my job or my life did not require me to have a form of motor transportation. Being a nanny, there's not an option of not having a vehicle. I have to at least be able to show up and watch the kids, because that is my responsibility and that doesn't even account for the fact that I'm supposed to be driving them around town to swim lessons and other activities. I think this is where most of the anxiety plays in. I feel super helpless over the fact that I can't control if I'm with the kids and the van dies altogether. I worry about this. I've had many personal instances of being stranded on the side of the road or dead in an intersection with a smoking engine or disconnected fuel pump.
Being the only one to worry about is a lot different than having a van full of kids. It hasn't happened yet. I haven't asked them to get into my van to drive them to swim practice, but in a few hours I will, and I worry about what may happen.
I shouldn't worry. I heard on the radio whilst driving home yesterday that worry is a temporary case of atheism. Which seems to be true, for the most part. I feel like my stress is more over thinking that God will not sustain my vehicle to last until it's appointment with the mechanic Wednesday morning. I mean, this morning, I was praying with everything I had just to get it as far as a store for transmission fluid and then to work after that. I made it. 30 minutes late, of course, but I made it.
I've had a song about worrying going through my head all day. It's really just a verse put to a tune that my roommate last year would sing on occasion. "Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself." And I've been looking at verses on worry since that's the only thing I can do to work toward overcoming my current life struggles. I can't fix my van and I can't help the future, so alls I can do is listen to the Lord and welcome His peace into my anxious heart.
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication
with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace
of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and
your minds in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:6-7
So I guess I'm asking the Lord for a bit of a miracle. I feel like i should know better than to stress about car stuff on account I've been through this a billion times already. I think it's harder for me being in Iowa City for this, though. I like it better when I can call my father or my brothers and they can come quickly to my rescue. I like it better when I can switch out my failed vehicle for another, or when my schedule better coincides with someone else's so I can at least carpool or borrow.
As it is, I'm sure the Lord has it this way for a reason. I wish I was better at trusting Him when things like this came along. Really I should relax about it and have a peaceful and accepting attitude that if something happens, than it happens and the Lord will be with me and sustain me wherever I go. That He will provide and protect. And mostly that He will care. I suppose this is my chance to learn such a lesson, I just wished it didn't come with such a weighted hold on my heart.
"the Peace of God will guard your heart"
So it's Monday. Car trouble, late for work, back to attitude adjusting after the kids had a week off from my house rules, it's a little cloudy and gloomy and the exhaustion of last week's travels and adventures still lingers.
If I've learned anything this summer, it's that I'm terribly inadequate. Having younger siblings does not qualify you to work with children and being patient with adults is not near enough patience for children.
Grace is truly an ocean but unless you dip your whole self in the ocean rather than scooping it up in your hands, it's not enough.
I need God everyday. EVERYday. Not just on Mondays. But today might count for a week. That's what I've learned.
Pray for me. If you think of it, I need it. In all humility, I covet your prayers. I'm most certain today will end in tears.
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