Today it's starting to hit me...
I'm leaving the country in 20 days!!! Nicaragua! I'm so excited. I'm quite afraid as well. The last two times I've left the country, I had a hard time with it. I mean, I like being comfortable. I like being safe. I like fresh air.
At the same time, my heart greatly longs for adventure! I'm so excited about my team as well! Most of them I don't know, but I'm sure after a week of close quarters and a couple long airplane flights that will no longer be an issue.
My heart needs this.
Most the times I'm doing really well and I honestly feel completely whole and joyful and fine. But there are times I'm caught off guard and somewhere deep down where only Jesus can reach is one last broken piece of a shattered, dreamed up future that only hurts when something pokes it.
I'd like to think I've surrendered all of me and let Jesus heal all of me. But I'm learning that not all healing is immediate..some things just take time.
Sometimes I question if I'm wrong in going on a missions trip when my heart is in the state that it's in, but I've thought about and I think it's okay. Usually it's *my* heart that God is working on when I serve anyways, and seeing that I feel like my heart is quite needy and totally not adequate to be serving or pouring out, it seems to me that it's in the perfect place for God to use it. Being that it's empty, God will have to fill me up so I can pour out more.
I have no doubts that God will use me in any case. Even if it's just holding a baby whilst its mother sees a doctor, I'm okay with that. I just need to be used.
Honestly, I want to experience God's love because God's love heals. The best way to experience it, so I've learned thus far, is to love people with it. Somehow, when the moment comes, all that you need is there and you have enough to share. I suppose it's a lot like the 5 loaves and 2 fishes. It didn't seem like enough at the time, but as it was needed, there was enough and then in the end, there was more than enough and the little boy not only got to take it home so his family was full that one night, but he got to eat it the next day, and the next.
That's why I like to serve. Perhaps that is selfish. Maybe it's like the woman who fought her way through a crowd to touch Jesus' clothes. She fought for it, she touched him, she felt him, she was healed. I feel like I'm fighting through life to get to Jesus now. I mean, He's with me, yes. But my heart needs a healing in a certain place.
Jesus does a lot with a little. You see him really clearly when you have to do things in faith. There's a lot of that when you do missions work in 3rd world countries. I love that. I'm gonna go there and see Jesus. I'm going to see him in how my teammates serve each other. I'm going to see him in how the doctors and nurses care for the patients. I'm going to see him in how he provides for the needy. I'm going to see him as little children hear Bible stories for the first times. I'm going to see him when someone accepts him for the first time and His joy is displayed on their face through smiles and tears.
Whilst I so look forward to serving and loving God's people and honoring my Father through my actions, I'm just excited to take myself out of "this world" for a moment and focus on things other than classes and relationships and my future and...life.
Nicaragua is probably not anything close to heaven.. but perhaps it could be. It could be in that the love of God will taste so much sweeter there. The joy of serving will be much more appreciated. The presence of God will be so much more apparent. And the unity of believers will be much more strong. You know why? Because there will be space for God and he will move into it. I'm looking forward to it!
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