Surrendered Hope

Surrender
1.)
a : to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand 

b : to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another

2.)

a : to give (oneself) up into the power of another especially as a prisoner

b : to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)

Hope

1

: to cherish a desire with anticipation

archaic : trust

: to desire with expectation of obtainment

2

: to expect with confidence : trust

— hope against hope

: to hope without any basis for expecting fulfillment

Hope...to cherish a desire or expect with confidence. Faith with out doubt is hope, isn't it? 

But while we hope, we must surrender. We have to give ourselves over to God's plan. We hope in what we do not see, but we surrender to what we do not plan. 

I'm still learning this. I will learn this again, too, probably. I'm still in my valley. It's been a while, but I'm learning to walk in it instead of being stubborn and refusing to move until the darkness is gone. I think everyone would rather do that.. hide. When the darkness closes in and the valley seems deep, we'd all much rather build a fort with the rocks around us and wait for the sun to come back before we get going on our faith journey again. Don't get me wrong, rest is good. Rest is needed. But there comes a point where we have to walk in the darkness so that you can walk out of it. I'm there now. My heart still hurts every day. But I actually find joy in it because as I walk in it, I meet others who are walking through trials as well and I get to tell them about the precious nuggets of hope I've found in my valley. Precious doesn't even describe them well, but they are treasures. 

Perhaps I have even learned to treasure this time of pain as I'm sure there will be a day when I am not in pain and not overwhelmed with joy either... I will be "meh" and I will look back and see how near God was to me in my pain and I will long for that. I will desire for God to be so obvious in his love for me.. or for me to at least be aware of how obvious he is in his love. I become quite blinded by my blessings sometimes. 

One of the bigs things I've treasured in this is God's love. I have felt it so consistently and I have experienced its soothing powers on the wounds of my heart. I have been overwhelmed by it. Because while I go through the pain of not being good enough in a lot of areas in my life.. God still loves me. That blows my mind. 

I've also treasured my believing friends *so* much. I can't tell you how many people have prayed over me since this whole thing started. I used to refuse to shed a tear in front of any body. Now I feel like everyone has seen me cry..it's humbling because I hate to think that I'm not strong enough for this trial, but I'm not. But their prayers have given me hope and have spoken truth and have soothed. 

I've treasured songs that I've heard a million times but I feel like I hear them for the first time when they seem to be exactly about me. 

For example "Blessed Be Your Name" has been overplayed for the last 10 years. How many million times have I sang "Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be your glorious name" and not meant it or felt it. But when it comes to my broken life, all I can think is to glorify God because I have absolutely nothing about me that is anything. I'm broken and empty. But God is still doing great things in my life. And so the lyrics "Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering..Blessed be Your name" mean a little more when I know what it is to actually feel pain in the surrender. Pain in the offering. Especially since my road is marked with suffering and the darkness has closed in, I will still choose to bless the Lord. I think it is the most beautiful thing in the world that Job fell on his face and said "The Lord gives and takes away, Blessed be His name". How many of us actually think that? More than anything we act like Jonah when the Lord had the worm eat his shade where he just complains that the Lord took away. I don't want that to be me. I don't want to be a Jonah.

I have treasured my quiet times with Jesus. They never seem long enough. I can start at 6:30am and go til 11am and it's still not enough. 

I have treasured God's promises when I can't stop the tears when I'm falling asleep. In those quiet moments where my mind reminds me of my pain because that's what it does when I try to fall asleep, the Holy Spirit has brought verses to mind. More than anything I've heard God tell me that He will never leave me. I like that. I don't like to be alone.

I have treasured how others have shared that they were going through a hard time as well. It is another reminder that I'm not alone. 

I have treasured how I have seen God answer prayers from months ago. Of course in the exact opposite way that I would want ( I picture answered prayers as making my life happier..not broken) but in a perfect, brilliant way. Painful.. but perfect.

I have treasured how my faith has grown and I have seen God's faithfulness in many more ways than I could have imagined.

I treasure how I know that walking through a trial of fire means that God values my faith and sees it as being of greater worth than gold. 

I treasure how God has so obviously been my strength when I don't have any.

I have treasured my mom's encouragement as she spurs me along and offers me wisdom.

I have treasured how people have asked me how I am doing because they care.

And those are just some of the treasures I've been given while I go through this. It's not terrible, I mean, it hurts, but God is with me and my faith is growing. Of course I'd be thankful if the darkness left me now and I was suddenly whole and healed and no longer broken or in pain. I'd love that. I long for that. But for now I can be thankful that God loves me enough to walk me through this. And so I surrender. I surrender my hope because I hope with confidence but I know that God is in control of what I don't see. I surrender my life and I claim the hope that God has promised. 

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him.  Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him,for we shall see him as he is. All who have this hope in him purify themselves, just as he is pure.~ 1 John 3:1-3