My life in May

With just a few days left of May, I find myself wondering, " Where did the time go?" It seems when I'm going to class in Iowa City the time passes slowly and it takes effort to keep myself entertained throughout the day. 
Granted, back in Iowa City I'm not living with 7 of my siblings. It's been a fun couple of weeks (I have yet to be home for a weekend) and everyday has been full to the max. The bummer thing about that is, the days don't seem long enough and time is escaping far too quickly. 
I'm 14 days into my summer and have only managed to walk/run 85 miles, putting me more than 100 miles behind my goal. I think I've come to the conclusion that 1000 miles in 90 days isn't going to be feasible with my weekends and workdays, but I'll still shoot for 1000 by my birthday or something. :/

My college classes are...meh. Happening but not fast enough. I hate summer classes. 

My little siblings and I play a lot of cards! : ) I LOVE cards!! LOVE LOVE LOVE. One day after running I found this lovely set up waiting for me. :)

cards and supper :)

Eva made me a salad all by herself 

Kolby is cute!

Moments with God

So this is a little late but I still wanted to share it. :) 
This past semester, my roommate and I decided that since there are SO many moments in a week where God reaches down and put his fingerprints on our lives, we should write them down and treasure those moments forever. Thus! Our "God Moments" box was born and every week at Bible study we'd write down the precious things we saw God do on a note card and stored them away for the end of the semester when we would open the precious box and read over all the memories we had captured. 




The night was gloriously warm without wind and so we celebrated our God moments in the park with strawberry shortcake :) 

Just a few of the moments :)

Every single notecard represents one or more God Moment ... as you can see, God did a TON of things in our lives this past semester. 

As our Bible study will be shifting and reshaping next semester, we gave our girls a gift of our pictures from our natural  beauty night captioned with the verse that says, "The King is enthralled by your beauty" from Psalms.

The joy on their faces is so priceless!! I snapped these pictures as they looked at their picture for the first time.

It was SUCH a joyful time to read over everything God had done for us and to remember how God had carried us through the semester. Starting the God Moments box was purely experimental, but I think it's something I'll like to keep up with the next Bible study I lead. 

Especially after times when I felt like I wasn't growing or that I was actually going backwards in my walk with God after such a rough semester, I had a whole handful of reminders of the things God had done for me. There was so much to remember and it was a joyful time as we read them off to each other. I'm getting chills just thinking about it... it was so good! 

I would encourage everyone to try it sometime, whether it is keeping a journal or writing it on a notecard, we need to remembering what God has been doing for us. 

Time Flies...

Goodness gracious!! Time is just disappearing ever so quickly, especially since school is out and I have since moved back to Storm Lake for the summer. 
Moving back was certainly a crazy wonderful wirl wind of events by itself. The Friday before finals week I knocked my mouth with a metal folding chair and broke off half of one of my front teeth. This was no surprise as it had been broken 10 years prior and glued on with the assurance that it would soon fall off again. After surviving a week and a half as a hill-billy, I now have a new smile that i wonder at every day because it looks so much more real than it is. 
Since school has been out, I've managed to walk/run 66 of my 1000 miles for the summer. I'm miles and miles behind my goal, but I'm slowly but surely conquering them. 


Coming home was pretty crazy as there were quite a few siblings to greet me and welcome me home and of course they were all telling me everything I'd missed all at the same time. I LOVE my big family. I'm always just slightly overwhelmed first getting home though. :) 


I spent a weekend in Wisconsin helping a dear friend move things as she and her husband prepare to leave the Bible school from which they just graduated and come back to Iowa for a little bit while she works on acquiring a nursing degree. It was an intense weekend! :)


Now I am home again. Briefly of course. On Friday I'll head back to Iowa City to put my possessions into boxes to be stored at my new location until my lease there starts as I will not be available to move in July. 


I've also switched over to the Candida diet in an attempts to make better progress on my intestinal health issues.  It's a little more intense than what i was trying. But we'll see if it fixes me.... I really want to be better :/


So in between being gone on weekends and my 12 mile walks/runs every day, I'm working on 6 credit hours of class. I figured I'd take a writing class to boost my GPA a little... It's a little more than I expected it to be. :/ But I have thus far managed 5 papers..... just 21 to go. And Stats is.. blah. Me and math are not friends. But we'll see how much I can pack in before I start my internship with The Bridge on Just 1st. Phew!!  

Currently Crippled

It's funny how up and down the Christian walk can be. One day I'm up and on fire and totally in love with Jesus and the next day I'm wondering if my life will ever amount to anything. 
I used to think that it was a bad thing for Christians to be down and insecure, but I read the Psalms a lot and David was all over the place, too. 


So it was two weeks ago today that I was set free by the truth of going through Winter seasons of the soul. I found peace in knowing Spring time comes after a hard Winter and intense pruning. I was so overjoyed by that and I felt so loved. I felt.... loved. I like that feeling. I like smiling at that and maybe even giggling with delight knowing that I am loved. God's love is a powerful thing and is like a fountain of joy. When those moments come, I wish I could just stay in them forever. It's like a warm sunbeam when the world around is cold. 


Unfortunately, moments come and go. The clouds roll in, the rains come down, and darkness has us stumbling about blindly trying to grope out our way, all the while wondering why it's happening. 
And that's where I am now. 
It's not like my knowledge of the Truth has left me.. it hasn't. I still know that God loves me and I have a sense of peace in that. But sometimes it is something that I have heard a thousand times. Worst of all, I heard it during my darkest, most painful times. 


How is that a bad thing? You may ask. Well, when you feel abandoned and hurt and lost and alone, and someone tells you, "God loves you," it's like a taunt almost. It's an other grain of salt in the wound because we want to experience comfort and knowing that all the pain I'm experiencing is a result of God's love doesn't seem to help anything. 
I know, I know.. .I said in a previous post that I'd come to realize it's a special thing that God chooses us to go through hard times. But, at the same time, I'm almost turned off to the idea of God's love at  times because I don't like to think it was God who caused all the circumstances that left me gutted and empty in a mud pit. 
If I'm being honest, I'm almost angered by the fact. I'm still left wanting to scream 'Why!?' at the top of my lungs whilst glaring angrily up at the sky. I'm tempted to be angry and then walk away without waiting to listen to see if God has a reply. 


Sometimes, I don't want a reply. I want to hurt on the inside and be angry about it. I've been down this road enough times to know that it takes some humility on my part to ask God  to help me forgive the pain inside me and to make me whole again. It's really not that difficult to request such a thing of God, but my pride and stubbornness wants to see if I can wait Him out and see if He'll heal me with out my asking. The funny thing about that is, I think He's already done what it takes to heal me before I would even need to ask. Like He's already supplied a huge bank account in my name with all the healing and forgiveness I could ever need. 
Kind of like how the money set aside for my living expenses for this year are in a bank and it's set up in a way I can access it when ever I need. It would be silly for me to call my dad when my cupboards empty out and my fridge begins to look sparse and say, "I'm out of groceries again!! Do something!" He would reply, "Fern, you have full access to what you need. I've already provided that for you."


It's funny that I scream at God to fill me when I'm empty and beg Him to heal me again and bring restoration. 
I feel like, patiently, He looks at me and replies, "I did." And then of course I feel silly and am like, "Oh. Oh yeah..heh."


And the story repeats itself. I keep asking myself when I will learn it all til it sticks. My biology professor says to memorize something you should write it down 7 times. 
And maybe when Jesus said you need to forgive 70 times 7 times, He was secretly sharing that He would be forgiving us for all the 490 times that we forgot what we had previously learned and angrily accused God of leaving us to rot. 




Either way, it's a learning process to come to the point where we instinctively access the grace God has already measured out for us in advance. But we may claim this treasure knowing that we have full access to it whenever we work up the courage to ask.


"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven,Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess.  For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are —yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:14-16

Happy May Day Everyone!

Blogging is really one of the best ways to procrastinate things one needs to accomplish. My To-Do list keeps growing and the more it grows, the less motivation I have to tackle it. 


One thing I did manage to complete is picking a topic for my ASL presentation. The next thing on my list is to practice and perfect the presentation by 8:30am tomorrow. :/ I've been working on it for the last hour and a half and since my Tuesday has already been quite full (Class 8:30-4:30) I'm quite tired and needing a break from signing. The thing about the assignment is that I get nervous sometimes when I do presentations. When I get nervous, my hands shake. This is not usually a terrible thing for most presentations, but when you're presenting in American Sign Language... shaking hands does not work out for you so well. I imagine it's the equivalent of someone getting a terrible case of hiccups while giving a speech. :/


After that, I need to respond to some messages and emails that have been awaiting my attention for far too long... phew. 


Then, I have a final on Thursday which then leads into my needing to start studying for finals week next week/ packing up some things before I move back to Storm Lake for a little bit. 


Oh well, the life of being a student, I guess. 


I'm also getting the hang of the sleep deprivation part of being in college. I started out my college life going to bed at 10pm and waking up @ 6am. That ship has sailed away.. apparently. And while I've also been recreationally addicted to coffee, I can see now why people can come to depend on it as the crux of their being. I used to be so addicted to coffee I could drink a cup before going to bed and sleep just fine. Now since i only treat myself to it on rare occasion, I'm realizing how useful it is in helping one stay up a little later to complete assignments and study for impending exams. (LOVE coffee!) 

My Heart's Desire

I was just reading over some of my posts from when I first started blogging and was reminded what it was that motivated me to blog in the first place.
Honestly, it was because I was so incredibly in love with Jesus and felt so loved by God that I could not be silent about it. 
It is not that I have changed all that much, I still do very much love the Lord and feel the love of God. The thing of it is, I'm in a different season of life now than I was then and so things just look different. Not as good a "good different" as I would like either. 


When I started blogging I was at a point where I literally had nothing but my relationship with God to keep going. Every time I sat down to eat I wanted to read my Bible as well. If the sun was shining, I wanted to read my Bible outside. If it was raining, I wanted to read my Bible with a cup of hot coffee by a window. When I wasn't reading my Bible, I was writing out prayers in my journal and constantly aware of God's presence and constantly going back to be filled by him. 


Yes, I was very full. I had some desires (one in particular), earthly desires, that made me feel a little empty, but at the same time I knew the value of trusting God's plan and I knew in my heart that if I simply trusted and obeyed, He would give me the desires of my heart. I was constantly taking my desires before God and surrendering to Him and asking Him to fulfill them or take them away. I remembering surrendering on a daily basis. I would surrender one day and feel satisfied and the next day I would be in want again and return to my Father and surrender again. I remember how I could so easily hear God's voice and have pleasant conversations with Him. And when I would become discouraged and overcome with hopelessness (That happened sometimes) God would simply say, "Trust me, Fern. I love you." 


There were a lot of moments in that time of my life where I would ask God, "why?" I would ask why I had no friends, why people made it so hard to switch college ministries, why there was so much animosity between college ministries, why did I want earthly relationships when I should only be satisfied with God, why why why... I had no answer for any of it. But God would always respond, "Because I love you."


Sometimes..most times, I didn't understand how my circumstances were the way they were because I was loved. I didn't see how getting put with a roommate who left the lights on til 4 or 5am when I woke up at 6 translated into being loved. But I remember feeling like I was loved even though my circumstances were really rough. 


During that time I stumbled upon this passage:
Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
    I have summoned you by name; you are mine. 
² When you pass through the waters, 
    I will be with you; 
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, 
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze. 
³ For I am the Lord your God, 
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; 
I give Egypt for your ransom,
    Cush and Seba in your stead. 
⁴ Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
    and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
    nations in exchange for your life. ~Isaiah 43: 1B-4


It gave me so much hope to know that there was a plan at the end of my difficult times. And I know that if my circumstances had not been so difficult as they were, I would not have needed to put my hope in God and I would not have had that time where I was so very much in love with His goodness. 
If I had not been with out friends I would not have put so much effort into the friends I have now, whom I love very much.  Especially now, I can look back at that difficult time and go back to reading Isaiah 43 and see what things God was doing when I was crying into my pillow and begging for mercy. 
Isaiah 43 continues later saying


"You are my witnesses, ” declares the Lord,
    “and my servant whom I have chosen,
so that you may know and believe me
   and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed,
  nor will there be one after me.  
I, even I, am the Lord, 
  and apart from me there is no savior. 
I have revealed and saved and proclaimed—
-  I, and not some foreign god among you.
You are my witnesses, ” declares the Lord, “that I am God.
 Yes, and from ancient days I am he. 
No one can deliver out of my hand
When I act, who can reverse it?” (Isaiah 43:10-13)


Even now as I type this I was thinking, "Yeah God, what exactly were you doing?" But at the same time, reading the above passage God's just speaking to my heart saying, "So you could tell people about me! Because I love you! And because I chose you. So you would trust me. So you could know my power and hear my voice. So that, you, Fern, would know who I am."


I feel so loved by that. I feel loved because God chose me to go through some hard times so that He could carry me through that. That God picked me out of a billion people to have a time where earthly things did not satisfy, and more than that, caused my heart to break and be empty. It was almost as if I was standing in a crowd and God tapped on my shoulder and whispered, "Hey, come with me, I want to show you something." And the two of us went on an adventure. Me and The Heavenly Father. It was special, it was a little difficult, but I was free-falling into the arms of Jesus. 


. At the time, I wasn't desiring bad things, what I was desiring was a good thing and it was a battle because I had it in my mind that if it was good, then God would give it to me. I needed to learn to let him be my satisfaction completely. Learn I did. Well, I learned that I am filled when I let Him be my satisfaction. And I learned that he can satisfy me when things are really hard. And since that time, well, times have still been rough.  I've been a little distant, even, and my hard times were less battles of the world and more fighting against emptiness and confusion as I was not surrendering to my Father everyday and being filled. I have not yet learned how to always let him satisfy me when He gives me the good things I desires because I get so distracted by the good things. Things.. worldly things. Temporary things. But things God gave me all the same. 


My hard times since then have been the times I tried to let the good things become god things. The times when I rearrange the priorities of my life and take God out of the middle and place other things there instead. If my life were a wheel, God would be the center part that all the spokes need to attach to. And I feel like sometimes I take Him out of the center and try to put my favorite spoke there instead. Of course that doesn't work and I don't get too far before my wheel begins to warp and bend out of shape because the support that should be there isn't. And everyone knows you can't get too far with a wheel that's out of shape. 


Siiigh. The hard part is, is that this is a lesson that you have to learn and relearn. God goes in the middle. God needs to be central. And then we try something else and learn it again. And again. 
One thing I love is sitting with older believers and hear them recount all the times they relearned that. And how they relearn it a little less often than when they first started out. I love to hear how they learned it and how they manage to learn it less. I hope someday my faith becomes so cement solid that I don't ever have to think twice about who goes at the center of my life. 


And that is my desire. To love God with all my heart, soul, and mind and to keep Him dead central in my life. And from there, I desire to be a woman of godly character whose worth is far greater than rubies. That's what I want more than anything else in the world. 

Woot!

I have done it! 


Today I:


-Finished editing and turned in a final copy of my Social Work paper
-Finished writing and turned in a final copy of my American Signed Language paper
-Finished writing/editing and turned in a final copy of my global inequality sociology paper
-Finished editing and submitted an application for Americorp


AND! I attended all 3 of my classes as well as baked a batch of gluten free peanut butter cookies. 


It is only 11pm but I think I'll quite while I'm ahead. Good night, folks.