It's funny how up and down the Christian walk can be. One day I'm up and on fire and totally in love with Jesus and the next day I'm wondering if my life will ever amount to anything.
I used to think that it was a bad thing for Christians to be down and insecure, but I read the Psalms a lot and David was all over the place, too.
So it was two weeks ago today that I was set free by the truth of going through Winter seasons of the soul. I found peace in knowing Spring time comes after a hard Winter and intense pruning. I was so overjoyed by that and I felt so loved. I felt.... loved. I like that feeling. I like smiling at that and maybe even giggling with delight knowing that I am loved. God's love is a powerful thing and is like a fountain of joy. When those moments come, I wish I could just stay in them forever. It's like a warm sunbeam when the world around is cold.
Unfortunately, moments come and go. The clouds roll in, the rains come down, and darkness has us stumbling about blindly trying to grope out our way, all the while wondering why it's happening.
And that's where I am now.
It's not like my knowledge of the Truth has left me.. it hasn't. I still know that God loves me and I have a sense of peace in that. But sometimes it is something that I have heard a thousand times. Worst of all, I heard it during my darkest, most painful times.
How is that a bad thing? You may ask. Well, when you feel abandoned and hurt and lost and alone, and someone tells you, "God loves you," it's like a taunt almost. It's an other grain of salt in the wound because we want to experience comfort and knowing that all the pain I'm experiencing is a result of God's love doesn't seem to help anything.
I know, I know.. .I said in a previous post that I'd come to realize it's a special thing that God chooses us to go through hard times. But, at the same time, I'm almost turned off to the idea of God's love at times because I don't like to think it was God who caused all the circumstances that left me gutted and empty in a mud pit.
If I'm being honest, I'm almost angered by the fact. I'm still left wanting to scream 'Why!?' at the top of my lungs whilst glaring angrily up at the sky. I'm tempted to be angry and then walk away without waiting to listen to see if God has a reply.
Sometimes, I don't want a reply. I want to hurt on the inside and be angry about it. I've been down this road enough times to know that it takes some humility on my part to ask God to help me forgive the pain inside me and to make me whole again. It's really not that difficult to request such a thing of God, but my pride and stubbornness wants to see if I can wait Him out and see if He'll heal me with out my asking. The funny thing about that is, I think He's already done what it takes to heal me before I would even need to ask. Like He's already supplied a huge bank account in my name with all the healing and forgiveness I could ever need.
Kind of like how the money set aside for my living expenses for this year are in a bank and it's set up in a way I can access it when ever I need. It would be silly for me to call my dad when my cupboards empty out and my fridge begins to look sparse and say, "I'm out of groceries again!! Do something!" He would reply, "Fern, you have full access to what you need. I've already provided that for you."
It's funny that I scream at God to fill me when I'm empty and beg Him to heal me again and bring restoration.
I feel like, patiently, He looks at me and replies, "I did." And then of course I feel silly and am like, "Oh. Oh yeah..heh."
And the story repeats itself. I keep asking myself when I will learn it all til it sticks. My biology professor says to memorize something you should write it down 7 times.
And maybe when Jesus said you need to forgive 70 times 7 times, He was secretly sharing that He would be forgiving us for all the 490 times that we forgot what we had previously learned and angrily accused God of leaving us to rot.
Either way, it's a learning process to come to the point where we instinctively access the grace God has already measured out for us in advance. But we may claim this treasure knowing that we have full access to it whenever we work up the courage to ask.
"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven,Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are —yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:14-16
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