I'm overwhelmed to a point where nothing will come out cohesive well enough for this post to be beautiful.
I have a lot of thoughts.
I am exhausted. That is the first one. I am exhausted with work. It takes a lot to work with kids, and a lot of what it takes I've already given and I don't have much left. It's a fun job, yes. But it is hard.
It's hard when they pretend to cuss you out and just use the word "Bleep" in the middle of their sentence.
It's hard when they fight with each other and make each other cry, and then they get mad at me.
It's hard when they don't listen and make me feel invisible... this one happens the most. And it's the worst.
I'm tired. We've had a lot of late nights and my body isn't used to sleeping past 7. I'm stressed about moving, so I wake up multiple times in the night. I went to bed early last night, but I still struggled to wake up this morning.
I'm sad. I'm so sad to have to say good bye to my closest friends. They make me feel loved and they keep on making me feel loved and my heart cracks a little more everyday.
I rolled up the carpet in our living room to pack it into my car for moving and cried immediately, so I put it back.
I'm thankful. Beyond words, I am soooo thankful. My friends have gone above and beyond at helping us complete our list of things to do before I move. They've gone way more distances than I could have imagined and have and have obliged my crazy ideas like, "watching a movie in a cemetery" or "ride in an Amish Buggy." I mean, its not like those have been easy things to accomplish. But people have been there to see them through, and my gratitude is beyond words.
I'm happy. Of course I'm happy. We've come to call our list "Our dreams" and whenever we head out to accomplish another thing we say, "All of our dreams are coming true!". I am happy. Deep inside, mixed with my sadness and exhaustion, is a joy and happiness that cannot be shaken. The lord has allowed me to feel joy to the bottom of my heart with every thing we've done and it has been so great.
I'm excited. A new chapter of my life that will most likely be pretty good. Even though I will have to start from basically ground zero by way of a social life, my family has always been welcoming and supportive, so I'm at least stepping into a safe pocket.
I'm ready. Kind of. I think. As great and wonderful and seemingly perfect my life has been here, it is easy for me to get very distracted by my blessings. It will be good for me to step away and focus on my relationship with the Lord. That doesn't mean I love my friends less, but I want to love the Lord more. I need to learn better to walk with the Lord apart from large crowds. I'll be on my own in searching for a church and ways to serve again. And I won't have a friend to journey it with me, so this will be a time of growth for sure.
I'm nervous. Scared..terrified? Maybe nervous. I go between being all excited that the Lord is doing a new thing and looking on the horizon and sinking like Peter in the sea. I'm excited, yes, but totally terrified when my focus isn't on the Lord. And way too often... my focus isn't on the lord. It's on me. It's on the fact that I won't have friends. It's on the fact that I will be searching for a part time job in a town that I've only ever driven through a couple of times before (not storm Lake). It's on the fact that I don't know where to go to church. I just panic over the fact that I'm such a social person and am not sure how to cope without having people over all. the. time. (Mom, if I ever find friends, I'll probably have them over. You have been warned). I think my big panic is that I just don't really see myself able to make friends in my small little town. I mean, I managed to live there 17 years and not make more than a handful of friends of whom, 4 of them I still interact with and 3 or those 4 are siblings and all of them don't even live there any more.
..so...... yeah
But over all, I look forward to it. Because my family. My family is the best. I love them all and I have so much adventures planned with my siblings. I will be able to paint for hours on end and make wood projects and sewing projects and anything I could want. I will see sunsets every day and the stars every night. I will catch fire flies and drink coffee and sleep in a hammock and mow the lawn. I will get to help feed the cows and the baby goats and the kittens. I will get to walk barefooted through the garden to pick swiss chard for breakfast every morning. I will be there for the harvest when the watermelon patches are so full, alls we can do is crack them open in the field and eat the hearts right out of them.
I'll be there for my little brother, Kyle's birthday, which I haven't home for in a while. I'll be there for my own birthday... which I also haven't been home for since I was 17. So that will be good. I will be there to help make meals and clean the house and take over correcting the children's school work when mom is off doing her super woman mom stuff. I'll be there for my dad. For my dad who is always there for me when my car breaks down and I'm panicked on the side of the road. When I need wisdom on a decision. When I need a calm answer or reassurance that my life isn't a complete fail just yet. And that will make all of everything worth it times ten hundred.
But until then...
I'm packing.
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