Oceans Deep

"At this I awoke and looked around . My sleep had been pleasant to me." -Jeremiah 31:26

I haven't blogged much about it, yet, but I'm going back to Nicaragua! The day after tomorrow, actually. In preparation for the trip I have to take Malaria pills... and of course I will be taking them for a while after. 

I don't typically dream at night, but every time I sleep now (naps included), it has been some sort of trippy experience, vivid enough to question my sanity as a whole when I wake. When I mentioned this on facebook, one of my friends suggested I start writing them down so that all could be entertained by the crazy that is me sometimes. 

After a trippy nap yesterday afternoon that had me groggy/loopy for at least a full hour after waking up, I actually decided to place a paper and a pencil beside my bed before going to sleep last night, just in case something thoroughly entertaining should happen. 

Last night I attended the final night of the financial peace class I've been attending the last 2 months. I have loved that class for several reasons. Obviously, because I was being taught to be a wise steward of the Lord's money and being convicted of my selfishness and stubbornness. But also because of the people there. 

They all know each other, in and out, all of their lives are intertwined and everything is open and talked about. It made for a transparent group. And also, you can't say anything without someone wanting to help or fix or mend or encourage or suggest or advise. I love that. I have been requesting that the Lord would make me to be a woman of godly wisdom and it has been a pure pleasure and delight to sit at a table with other couples and students who just speak out of their life experiences.

Last night, a lady at my table was talking about how she had a lot of chit-chatting with God to do when she gets to heaven on account there are some things she doesn't get. Questions. She has questions. 
I've been mulling it over. 

I think I grew up hearing that God answers one of three ways: "Yes", "no", or "wait".

That upsets me. Because it's not true. God talks. He explains whatever you want explained and he is patient and kind and affirming and gentle. He's not a robot who gives vague answers and leaves us in the dark all of the time. He is real and alive and He has things to say. MORE than "yes" or "wait."

Jesus met me in my dreams last night. I didn't even ask Him to, but He was there and we went for a walk. 
Prior to going to bed last night, my roommates and I were talking about our ultimate goals in life. And, honestly, our goals and dreams that top all else are to be a wife and a mother. But who says that when someone asks you what you want to be in life? "uhmm.. a wife." *crickets*
But we have plan Bs... photographer, counselor..etc. Obviously we will be productive with the time the Lord gives us, but why be ashamed of the desire the Lord wove deep into our hearts before we were born? 

I was talking to the Lord about that when we talked last night. I was asking Him what He thought about the matter, like if it was a worthy goal in life. (Guys, never shy away from asking the Lord's opinion, because he always has encouraging things to say.)

"Fern, you are my daughter. You are of noble birth. And there is nothing more noble than to be a wife and a mother. And guard your heart. Above all else. From those who would seek to tell you otherwise. For you have been called and fought for. You have been called for a purpose and I have great plans for you. I chose you out of  6 billion and I love you more than anything. Whose opinion matters but mine? Who formed you and made you? Who drew you out of the pit and set you on solid ground? Who gives you the desires of your heart when you delight in my love? You are mine. And I will lead you beside streams and you will rest in my shadow. Fight for yourself and incline your hear to the Truth. What is the voice of man that you should choose to honor it above my own? What is the opinion of man that you would seek to give your life to please it when it shall never be satisfied. 
You struggle with being "enough" because you struggle to be for people. People will never be satisfied with people and so of course you are not enough. Be for me, Fern. And I will be for you and you will be enough. "

..And there was much more to that conversation. Truths I'll cling to and fight for and delight in always. 
When I woke up, I wasn't ready to be apart from the Lord. So I went straight away to my Bible and began by reading in Matthew of the rich man and the poor Lazareth who die and the rich man goes to Hades and the poor man to be comforted by the Lord. And I read through the book of Joel and wondered at the Lord's violent love. I went to Jeremiah, and that is where I settled down. 

The old testament is not a dry history book. It is alive and active and a story of a gallant rescue. MY gallant rescue. A potter forming a pot so marred and disfigured he just reshaped it into a new pot. It's the story of passion and care and plans for protection. And God is so heroic in his love. He busts through the nations to bring back his captives and he pursues those whom He loves unrelentlessly and he fixes and heals and restores and cares. 

He does not wait. He does not give back a one word answer. He does not set us aside and busy himself elsewhere and then come back to us. He is active. He is actively working on our behalf. Always He is. 
He is establishing our footpath and hacking our way through the bush. He is going before us and is next to us and is our re-guard behind us. There is nothing we have to say to him about how he has directed our lives that would hold any meaning against His plan. We have no wisdom compared to His and we have no idea of How deep his love is. We can sing about it for a thousand year and not even comprehended a grain of it. 

It's rich and pure and noble. He, after all, is a king. Noble and kind and wise beyond comprehension. 

And I am going on an adventure with Him. Every day. Sometimes that adventure takes me to church on a Sunday morning, or to coffee with a friend. Sometimes it would have me paint a sunset for a friend or barn in the snow. Sometimes, my adventure takes me to someone in need and asks of me more than my selfish heart is willing. Sometimes that adventure would have be board a plane and give medicine to people in another country. Or share the Gospel in an airport. 

And sometimes, that adventure leads me to grab a cup of coffee and sit on my couch with my Bible and wait and listen and be still. Everyday my life is full of adventure with the Lord. And going to Nicaragua  is only a tiny little bit of it. It's not the next big thing.. it's just a little piece of the now thing. Because Jesus is my big thing. I don't wait for my adventures, they are everyday. 

The love of God is like an ocean. Wild and full and unpredictable. At times we experience it gentle and calm and soothing. Other times we experience it fierce and violent and harsh. But always it is beautiful and deep and filled with more things than we will ever comprehend.