What is Fair?

I wanna know how it was that David wrote so many Psalms out of the distress of his heart and never cussed. I mean, not that I cuss...out loud, but when the moment arises, I'm not going to pretend to be a good christian role model and say that I'm not thinking angry words in my mind. 'Cause I am. 

My close friends and accountability partners know this. I mean, I don't want them to be shocked if ever we're together and I haven't been walking very closely with the Lord and the reigns on my tongue have gone slack. 

Really there is no temptation for curse words when my heart is at peace with the Lord. Not at all. But my heart isn't always at peace with the Lord and that equals my heart not being at peace at all. Which means its not in one piece at all either. 

It's a good heart check, though, if you find yourself not at peace. I realized this yesterday when I was trying to decide what music I wanted to listen to in my car and all my worship-y stuff was too mellow for me. 

I'm a closet screamo fan. For Today, As I Lay Dying, Plea For Purging, Sleeping Giant... Mmm. Some days I just need some of that stuff and yesterday I didn't have it. But I usually need that stuff when I'm just...angry. I want what I hear to be a projection of what I feel and so if I'm a little grumpy than I need a good grumpy jam. Not that those bands are angry per se. They're Christian and they're about Jesus but they cater more to those angry/emo people who can only be reached through angry sounding words of love. 

I didn't have any screamo in my car yesterday and that just made me a little bitter. I was already bitter about life so it was kinda the point where I realized I was kinda enjoying wallowing in self pity. 
And it's not even that my life is going badly. It's not my circumstances at all. It's my heart. 

My heart that so desperately wants to spend time with the Lord and a busy life that prevents such a desire to be satisfied. And then people who also don't let their hearts be satisfied by the Lord being grumpy and suddenly our irons made to sharpen irons look a lot like jousting poles and rather than call someone out in love we start poking holes in each other as if the other person were a baked potato before you stick it in the microwave.   

Why does everyone always gotta be right? That doesn't work. Someone has to concede somewhere. And I'm in this mindset of, "well, I'm always the humble one, it's always me who drops the first stone, it's about time I had my own justice." And it's not even any issue of right or wrong. It's just a matter of difference of opinion. And part of me wants to fight and the other part of me hates conflict well enough that it's like, "whatever I don't care." 

There are so many people who are all like, "Peace man. Let's all just accept every body as being uniquely different and let's spread love, man. We just need love." 
Bull. You can't accept everybody's opinion because if they're different opinions than they clash. 
One has to be right and one has to be wrong. Even God could tell you that. 

One heart not at peace with the Lord is hell enough but when you get a couple believers in that same chaotic hole of death, I mean, you might as well invite the devil to dinner and a movie and then give him some of your extra blankets and a pillow since he already seems to have made himself at home. 

There was a time in high school when I had this big whole conflict with some people going down and I knew I was right and they were wrong and I wasn't about to let them have any power over me because I wasn't the one in the wrong. My dad sat me down and talked to me about it and he said, "The mature one apologizes first." Of course at first I was like, "great! I'm like decades younger so then it's all on them. I don't have to do anything." Of course my dad gently pointed out that age doesn't make a difference on whether or not someone is mature and if you really love the Lord you should always strive to be the mature one. 

Gosh. I don't want to be the mature one. I want to be justified in my anger. I want to have the right to be seething. 

When I was in middle school, for some reason, some of my older sisters went on a mission to put scripture in front of us more often and they put hand-written verses up all over the house. 
One of those was, "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry for anger gives a mighty foothold to the devil."Not just any old foothold, a mighty foothold. A strong foothold. One that gives him an advantage in the war for your soul. 

Anger places you on the side of the enemy. The moment you let your heart open the door to anger and bitterness, that is the moment you have become a traitor to the Lord and to his people. That is the moment you start shooting your arrows and stabbing your knives into the hearts of the people who worship along side you on a sunday morning. Anger is probably one of the best war tactics that Satan has. As he seeks to hammer and chisel a wedge of discord into every good and godly relationship. The angry wedge of sin seems like the most accepted one because in our blind want for justice we think that it is right to have a wedge between us and it fits so well, it might as well stay. 

Anger is a fire. A crazy wild fire kindled by the smallest irritations and annoyances. It is never satisfied and will devour more than just the deed that first welcomed its existence. That's why complaining is so dangerous. Complaints are just small angers about things that weren't actually that bad. 

There is a difference between complaining and stating true facts. You can say you had a long day and are really tired and your feet hurt. But you can only say it as long as you are not slightly angry that you had a long day and you're really tired and your feet hurt. The point where you're a little angry about it is the point where you need to keep your mouth shut and spend a little time with the Lord and remove the footholds satan is putting up to scale the wall of your fortress. 

So what is righteous anger then? Welll??? That's when we get angry at someone else's injustice. That's when human trafficking upsets us and abortion breaks our hearts. That's when we hear some kid got stopped from praying at school and it irks us off a little. 

Righteous anger is when our hearts are so aligned with the Lord that the things that anger Him are the things that anger us. Righteous anger is not about us. It's not about our preferences. 
Righteous anger is not an angry Christian, that's self-righteous anger. I think we mistake the difference way to often. 

The Lord showed righteous anger when he went into the temple and there was buying and selling because it was an injustice against  God. There was Righteous anger when dealing with the Israelites because it was an injustice against how God had showed them unconditional love and protection and provision and they were violating His requirements. There was Righteous anger when the Israelites were mis-treated because that was a violation against people made in God's image and called into His marvelous light. 

That is when Righteous anger is justified. When it violates God, not our own human selfish desires. 

Christians are really good at calling anger at another Christian "righteous anger." We're really good at seeing the flaws in other human beings. "Well, gosh, if I'm a believer and that person calls their self a believer and they act that way and I would never do anything like that, that makes me so mad." 

"I have every right to be angry with that person because I'm a believer and they're a believer and they hurt my feelings and believers aren't supposed to hurt each others feelings."

"Well they're not following the rules and I am and it makes me mad that when we signed up for this we all knew the commitment and they aren't being as committed as me. I'm way more committed and it makes me mad that others are not. I'm mad that they aren't as good as Christians as me."

I'm preaching to myself too when I say this but... Get.Over.Your.Self. Like, now. Worry about the state of your own heart before you (self) righteously cast judgement on the people around you. There's a lot of truth to the command to take the hog out of your own eye before you go for the spam in someone else's. 

Let him who understands grace be the one to drop the first stone. Walk away. You're anger is no more justified than the crime that sparked it to existence. Wanna know what'll put out that fire? Like how do you just NOT be angry? The key to not... is to not. No, actually, Jesus can work that sliver outta your heart. 
I mean, he might have to get out a safety pin and tweezers and work and squeez and coax that bad boy out, but he can. He's probs the only one who can. 

A word of warning to the wise, deal with it now. The church doesn't need a congregation of porcupines and cactuses and thistles and thorns. If that's the best you have to offer than you may as well put Jesus on the cross every day. "Here, Lord! I made you crown out of the best that I have. I hope you like it."

"Oh geez, these thorns don't slip on your head as well as I thought they would. Oh no worries, we'll just push down on 'em really hard and wrench them on their some how. Oh ouch! Dang, I poked my finger. Oh well. There you go, Lord. That looks great! Your head is bleeding a little but, heck, it adds a little color." 

How stupid are we? God doesn't freakin' want your justified anger. He wants to take it away from you is what he wants. So we have a choice. Surrender, or die. Die a little bit internally every day. Die to the life of joy and peace and harmony you could have. Die to satisfaction and fulfillment and true justice. 

"BUT I DESERVE JUSTICE! THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!" 

What is fair?

I deserve to go to hell.

 That's fair. That's the justice I deserve. That's what I SHOULD get every time I'm justified in anger and discord and grumpiness. Not because someone else wronged me, but because I have wronged the Lord by preparing a feast in the presence of my enemy and then eating it with him. I have wronged the Lord by talking war tactics with the wrong side. 

Good thing the Lord is a great surgeon. He can have that splinter wronged into your heart out of their in no time. That is, as long as you be still enough for him to work on it. 

 ^"Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak,slow to anger;  for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive withmeekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls." James 1:19-21