Trudging.

I haven't had a ton of inspiration lately. It's the part of the semester where you take it one day at a time and panic a little over the impending deadlines and pressure to do well. 

Sometimes, when I get really overwhelmed, I basically don't want to do anything at all. Like go to class, do my homework, go to Salt stuff. But I still do it anyways...but grumpy. 

I've been quite overwhelmed, honestly. Spiritually, anyways. Fridays are supposed to be my Sabbath as my Saturdays are typically spent working concessions stands or traveling. However, the last two Fridays have more on the hectic side, filled with baking, and meeting people, and homework and study. I feel overwhelmed that the Sabbath hasn't happened for a while. Even now, I woke early enough to read the news, drink coffee, eat breakfast, and stop and reflect a little, but soon I shall be rushing out the door to drive across town, to catch a bus, to walk a few blocks to class.

I've also had to relearn my purpose as a Bible study leader. This is my 4th year leading Bible studies for college women and it's the trickiest one. My sophomore year, I led my peers and we all seemed to be, roughly, in the same place. It was also at that time that I attended a Bible study where I met the girls I live with now. Or at least, 2 of the girls I live with now. My third roommate I met a year later when I lead a smaller study. But every year since Sophomore year I've been doing Bible study with the same core group of girls and expanding along the way. Last year we closed out with 9 regular attenders and a list of 16 girls to pursue and encourage. 

Now is the part where we go separate ways. I'm leading a freshman/sophomore study and all of us are new to each other. I keep having to remind myself that it's not going to be as intimate and honest and comfortable as the last years I've had. Somehow I still feel like it's a reflection on me as a leader somehow. I know it's not, but it stresses me out. 

Plus it's getting to be that time of year where I'm grinding to a halt and I look so forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas that I fail to see what may be right in front of me. It's a fault I have. I get overwhelmed by the present and look toward the future and then miss out on things I could have enjoyed. I don't want to complain, but I've been in more of a negative mood lately. I don't like negative moods. 

I really try to be good enough for people. ALL the time. And I'm not, really. I mean, I have SO many friends who would say such nice things about me, but I'm kind of in this mindset of not being totally accepted as myself. It's not true, of course, but it has the power to exhaust me even though I know it's a lie. Amazing isn't it? Lies are pretty dang powerful. I suppose Truth is supposed to have twice the power as a lie does, however, I'm really bad at knowing how to use it. Or maybe just at using it at all. 

Scripture would probably be a good place to start. I think I'm going to commit to taking some time at May's Cafe to catch up on some Truth. I definitely need to be set free from the smallness of my own thinking. I think my mind is the worst kind of prison. I lock myself in there a lot. It's not very pleasant. 

I need a coffee date with someone who knows Truth and encouragement. 

And Jesus. I need a coffee date with Jesus.