Vente Grande

------Wednesday-------

Here we go again, my friends. Crazy posts from an insane college student being oppressed by homework and deadlines and yuckiness like that. 

Guys this is bad... I found out i have until SUNDAY to write this 10paged research paper. As if my procrastination needed any encouragement...

It's raining snow today. I like that. I'd like it more if I didn't have to go to class, but seeing as I skipped last week, I really should go this week. 

And I'm tired. Some how, our roommate hanging outtings went until midnight last night. Of course I was fine with this because my thoughts were, "I don't have class til 5:30pm Wednesdays! So I can sleep in and then settle into writing papers and doing homework all day." Then at 11:47pm I suddenly realized that I work EVERY Wednesday morning now. Which is a good thing, I need the $, but, my actions prior to were fairly unwise. 

I can't decide if it's the time of year, the stress load, or the fact that Thanksgiving break is elusively looming in the distance, but my heart is extremely restless....again. I need to run away again or something. But not really run away because I need people in my life.. but I kind of want to run away from people again. I like being alone lately. I'm not being productive in my loneliness, though. Plus, I'm just... ughk. 

I haven't been impressed at my walk with the Lord lately. I often wonder why I have friends. Why do people ever want to hang out with me? They're crazy. Totally crazy. Or just way too kind to say 'no'. I don't know, I appreciate them and wonder at them at the same time. 

Also, there is a battle for maturity going down in basically all over the place and I'm not impressed. I mean, I myself am hardly mature, especially in my faith, but I'm incredibly discouraged at the lack of maturity seemingly everywhere I turn. It's such a battle because, I mean, I'm over it. I don't give a crap about being so much of a people pleaser when it comes down to catering to a childish ploy for more attention or affirmation or affection than I have to offer. Which sounds absolutely heartless and cruel, I know. Which is why I look at my own lack of maturity in the issue and shake my head in wonderment at how people ever stand to willingly choose to spend 2 consecutive hours with me. 

I mean, I think what I really need is to be in the presence of people who can build me up and pour back into me because I've been running on fumes for a lot longer than I even comprehend. 

I don't know how much my heart is restless or just so empty that suddenly none of the usual temporary remedies work at all. Christians get that way sometimes...empty. With the church. It's totally possible. 
I feel like I get here a lot.
My problem is that I attend church and Salt Company and Bible study and then run around pursuing people and I hardly stop and sit still long enough for the Lord to fill me. I count people speaking Truth into my life and hearing Truth spoken at church as bread enough to sustain me. I'm basically Spiritually anorexic, I've decided. Or maybe bulimic, because I puke out everything I take in onto the lives of my friends that need it "more than me." Kinda like driving a car without oil in your engine totally kills it... I'm kind of there. No oil. But I keep going. Can someone just sit me down and tell me I'm not a failure as a human being? Or just.. I don't know. Is that being too much? I just need to know a good reason or two as to why anyone would want to be around me. 

------Thursday------

Here we are. 72 hours away from 10page paper being due. I hate to be a complainer (Because we all know that's just a bad idea) But, I realllllly don't want to write this paper. If I've ever hated to write a paper before.. it's this one. My goal is 700 words by the time my 3:30 class roles around this afternoon. I think I've calculated that the thing has to be 2500-3000 words, so 700 is a little bit lame.. but it's a goal all the same. 

I never condoned skipping class before this semester. I think I skipped maybe one time a semester (if that) in prior years of semesters. Don't skip class, kids. It's unwise. Even if you know the material, at least show up and be where you're supposed to be. Except... I'm skipping today, so I mean.. you don't have to listen to me. I'm terrible. 

I'm really nervous about this paper because, 1) I've never had a professor say that if we don't write it well enough, she'll give it back and make us re-write it. And by golly she would do it too. I have no doubt that she'd request a re-write.  And 2) I've never had a professor write "8-10pages" on the syllabus and then say, "It HAS to be at LEAST 10 full pages of text, not 10 pages including title page and references." 0_0 Okay then.  And 3) be incredibly picky about wordiness and concision and give examples of how we might try to expand our papers with longer explanations of research articles when we could have been less wordy about it. Okay, so... that's kind of my secret weapon in ridiculous papers like this one. I mean, why say in 10 words what you could say in 30? You have to make the thing 3000 words anyways. And who wants THAT much information? And can be like cotton candy...sugar coated air. Nice and fluffy and delectable, but not too substantial and sickening. 
Well, prof don't want cotton candy, she wants jolly rancher and my gosh it better be 5lbs at that. 

I don't know why it's so easy for me to type up a lengthy blog of puked out emotions and then I struggle to add 60 words of factual information to an academic piece. Maybe because I create my own truth in a blog and I have to work with other people's truths  in a paper. Maybe I'm really self-centered and don't like other people's truths. 

Oh! Also, I totally had an emotional break down in class last night. I find it amusing now. It didn't have to do with the lecture at all. The prof was going on about methods for studying aging and longitudinal verses cross-sectional design and my mind was totally in another place. Thinking about my life and such and my stress... and then, before I realized it... tears. So I faked a coughing fit to make it seem like my eyes were watering from a tickle in my throat. I mean... you guys probably think I'm a sorry bucket of emotions basically all of the time... it's not true! But kind of it is. I mean, crying... it's not a regular occurrence thing... just when I'm stressed. Which is now. 

My body hurts today. It must be especially humid out.. all of the bones I have ever previously broken are crying out in protest. Also... I must have the strangest dreams in which it requires my whole body to overcome whatever great distress I face. Not only do I constantly find myself awakening to my legs being all wrapped up in the cord of my electric blanket, I'm continuously having to pop things back into their sockets that seem to have found their ways out of place during the night. Shoulders.. hips.. goodness gracious.. I must be like Uncle Hubb from Second Hand Lions who goes out and refights whole battles with the Arabs in his sleep and can't figure out why he wakes up sore every day. 

Okay! I'm ahead of the game a little and see some hope for reaching 700 words by lunch time. AHHH! This excites me so much I can't handle it. I've also been drinking coffee all morning. 0_0 TAKE ME HOME, LORD! JUST TAKE ME HOME!