Yesterday I posted on my facebook a desperate plea for someone to come keep me company as I slowly withered away under mounds of research articles on stress and memory. (I'm becoming a stress pro expert!) One of my sweet friends was quick to respond and showed up at my door with homework in hand and boosted my motivation to keep working away. (SHE IS SO GREAT!!) And then! When I got to Salt last night, at least 3 people asked if someone had come to my rescue as they wanted to but couldn't. D'awww... you guys. If I smiled any bigger, I wouldn't be able to see anything cuz my cheeks would cover my eyes.
I made sure to get good sleep last night as I knew I'd be going back into battle today. I was more than delighted to wake up to the white dusting we got over night. I mean.. I don't have to go out in it today, so I can enjoy it from a distance.
Still having this paper to write reminds at LOT of my life as a homeschooler. Because I never actually did my school work on time and so when it got to the time when we were supposed to have a break, I would still be stuck on the couch with Saxon's Algebra 2 staring back at me in all it's pure form of evil. There is no puking sound vile enough to convey the emotions I feel toward upper-level math. Not that Algebra 2 is all that upper-level, but it's about as far as I ever care to go.
Thanksgiving break. I'm going home for it this year. I didn't last year, but that's because sometimes I run away (I'm sure you've noticed by now). This year, home is running away enough for me. Nothing can ever compete with waking up to the smell of the wood stove warming the house or little brothers bringing you breakfast in bed. Or being served coffee first thing because someone just loves you so much they want to spend time with you. Nothing quite beats falling asleep to Planet Earth movies on tired afternoons or staying up late watching youtube videos, laughing til you have the hiccups.
I love the freedom to start a project in the wood shop or bake food enough for 20 people (Because we all know 1 boy= 3 girls) or playing a real legitimate piano when ever you want. :) It's a great place, home is. And come 1 or 2am Monday morning, I will be walking through the front door and into the arms of brothers who will have been assigned to stay awake until I have safely arrived. Of course my parents (who assigned the boys to stay awake on account they went to bed) will be awake too, claiming that they weren't really asleep yet. I love that. Coming home is the best.
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Guys I'm struggling. The struggle bus has kidnapped me something awful. I'm all cuddled and cozy on my couch but my motivation to keep plugging through this pape is severely lacking. So, you're going to keep finding new things added to this post as the day goes on. It's like a nice little surprise! Like when you leave a flower in a vase in the sunlight and you come back to find that the petals have opened up a little bit more.
Stress impairs a lot of brain functions, guys. I've got that part down pretty good. It impairs motivation, it impairs memory retrieval, encoding, all that good stuff. Basically everything I need. And I mean... apathy impairs those things too. I think I have a case of both. WOAH! That's like mixing drugs. BAD combination. Stress and apathy. Someone shoot me. In the foot. Or... idk. Tell me I'm going to make it. Tell me I can add 500 words to this pape by lunch time. Tell me it's okay to have all my friends over even though I don't have my homework done.. idk. Tell me something. Interact with me or something.
Also... this is it. My last college paper. The final one. O_O Of course it had to be a torturous one. College is like, "You aren't getting out with out a fight, yo!" And I'm like, "whatever, College. You don't own me. You're not the boss of me. You can't control me." And Life is like, "hahaha... that's what you think." And then Reality is like, "He has a point..." And then I'm like, "Ah poops... you're right."
Life and Reality work against me sometimes. C'mon guys, can't you just be on my team for once? Wouldn't you like to work in my favor?? And they both be like, "hahahahaha.... a joke! She's a funny one, that Fern. Always makin' people laugh."
Reality is a jerk sometimes.
Oh my GOSH! I'M INSANE! This paper is a jerk is what's happening. Taking my brain and mushing it into oatmeal. >:[ "Have at thee! I will conquer you yet!"
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0_0 OH MY GOODNESS CAN I PANIC RIGHT NOW???? MY COMPUTER JUST DID SOMETHING CRAZY!
Okay... breathe... breathe.. breathe... Ahhhh cryyyyy
I don't know what just happened, but my computer just turned all of EVERYthing I have written so far into strange boxes and Chinese characters and now my Word document is freezing up and getting ready to crash and I'm SECONDS away from losing everything. Yes.. everything. Because my computer can't save anything because the memory is full and I can't fix that. (Believe me.. I've erased just about everything off the harddrive and it still isn't making new space for saving things.)
Ahhhh... okay... don't cry... don't.. wheeeww... breathe.
I can't breathe. Can I cry? I think I'm going to. Blink. Blink. Hold back the tears....breathe.
LIFE HATES ME!
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Phew... okay. After 15 minutes of panic and tears and feelings of complete hopelessness and ruin, I think I can do this. Not really, actually, but I have to. I'd much rather cry for the next three hours... but I have to replace all the work from the last 3 hours that I lost.
Plus... I totally cried for three straight hours on Wednesday so I kinda already used that lifeline.
Thank God for sweet roommates. I'm going to write the paper on my roommate's computer because hers won't crash on me and ruin my life.
I'm going to magically type up 700 words in the next 30 minutes and then search out the references for where I got those ideas afterwards. Sound goot? Goot.
I'm alone in my misery and so I have to tell these sorts of things to myself because i don't have anyone else.
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I think I may be close to a panic attack. Probably I'm being dramatic, but every time I look at the lack of information I have added to this paper, my heart freaks out a little and I can't bring myself to work on it.
How about I just say that stress causes memory loss and major impairment on HOW TO WRITE PAPERS!!
Also, I can't make myself stop crying. I attempted to stop about 10 minutes ago, and then I gave up. I'll just keep a tissue box on hand and drink water because, well, the flood gates have been released. Plus... I mean. Any hope I woke up with crashed with my computer. I mean... okay.. I'm not COMPLETELY without hope. I still have home to look forward to. I have.... things. BUT... no. I want to give up now.
You win, life. You win. I quit.
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Let your power Shine
Make the clock reverse
Bring back what once was mine
Heal what has been hurt
Change the fate's design
Save what has been lost
Bring back what once was mine
What once was mine....
:'(
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3pm. Heart rate has stabilized.
While I would like to be in the kitchen hacking my head off with a large knife, I think I'm coming out of panic mode. It only took 2 hours... so that's great. I've still be staring at the same research for a while and I know I need to add it to my paper, but I lack the motivation as I already went through that whole tangled mess of deciphering the crap and reworded it into intelligent language. I mean... it's just work. How about I move onto PTSD??
I know lots about that now since losing most of a research paper which had over 11 hours of work put into it counts as trauma. Phew. Okay. Okay. I can probably drone on for at least two pages about PTSD. Right? That's a thing. People have it.
I have 4 hours before people start coming over for our pre-Thanksgiving break hang out. I'm not near as close to break as I thought I'd be at this point.
I'm complaining, I know. I shouldn't complain. How else do you cope, though? Or maybe I'm just stating true facts. That's not complaining is it? Dramatically stating true facts? I hope not.
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