Tears. Every rough week must end in tears right? Guys, I'm exhausted. I'm totally... exhausted. Can I just make a super honest and transparent post? Maybe you don't want to hear it, but I just want to express some things.
Okay, here's where I am: my heart is breaking.
I'm at this point where I'm wishing the Lord had not given me some of the great friends that I have because I'm suddenly acutely aware that they are just a season. I know I've blogged about this recently, but now, as the semester comes to a close and I can count on my two hands the amount of months before my lease runs out and I have to make a decision to move on, to another town, or city, or state and I realize that these friends that have worked their way into touching the deepest places of my heart will not be physically accessible any more. That breaks my heart. And it just hurts me.
As I was talking with the Lord about it, He was reminding me that it was good. It was good that I met them and they were an absolutely blessing in my life and I absolutely needed them when they turned up, but I have to trust it is for the best when life changes again. I have to trust that every time my heart breaks, the Lord re-enforces it. Every time my heart tears or rips, He re-sews it to be bigger and more like His.
But I'm not ready.
And it could just be that I had a terrible week of stress and anxiety and not as good sleep and little to no interactions with real humans and now at the end of it I'm tired and emotional, but even good sleep will not change reality. And I get mad at my friends for being great because they steal my heart.
Can't I just put my heart in a box and not let people run off with pieces of it?? I mean, no. That'd be no good. But sometimes it's like, "Stop. Please stop. Stop making me laugh, stop making me feel loved. Stop being wonderful." But really, don't stop. I need you.
But in all that. As I look at life and where I will be and where my friends will be and how much change is yet to come, I look at the Lord and I ask, "will you stay? Please stay. I need you to stay." And he looks at me with sympathy and says, "Fern. Of course I will stay. I will never leave you or forsake you. I will be with you always, even to the end of the age. I will be with you when you move away from Iowa City. I will be with you when life changes. I will stay. I will stay right here. I'm with you on this one." And I'm sure that may sound a little cheesy to you, but it means the world to me.
So, sometimes I try to write letters to my future husband. People have told me this is a good idea.
The last few times I started, I ended up writing a letter to Jesus instead. But then I realized, He is my future husband. The wedding is planned and there's going to be a feast and everyone is invited. The church is the bridegroom, is it not? Did He not say He was coming back? My love. My one and only. My forever.
Please stay.
I think I view marriage wrongly. I mean, I'm just going to go ahead and confess that sometimes I look forward to marriage because I like the idea of someone loving me for the rest of my life. I also know what it feels like to be in a relationship where you feel like a burden and too much and not worth loving or pursuing and it's just.. empty and broken and awful. And then I think, "I can live just fine without that. I would sooner be single for the rest of my entire earthly life than be stuck in that forever." And then there stands Jesus and He just gives me a look that says, "But I want you."
Sometimes I'll find myself liking a godly man in my circle of acquaintances and then I'll pray about it and ask the Lord to take away the feelings if they aren't right and then He does. And then I'm always a little surprised when He does because I'm like, "Hmm what was the matter with that one, Lord?"
And it's as if the Lord has my heart out on his workbench and he's forming it and creating it into this intricate, delicate work and He protectively throws His arms around it and is like, "Are you kidding me?? This heart is not for just anybody. I'm proud of this work. And I've got plans for it and I'm not about to let you just give it to some boy who is going to drop it and break it. No way."
I feel loved and lost at the same time.
But I look at what is coming, I mean, my heart will have to break. This season of friends is wrapping up. And The Lord seems to be giddy about it because He's like, "I'm going to fix it, though. And add detail and character."
I'm so human. Gosh darnit. I'm human and I'm a girl human, so that's even worse. I think I know what's good for me but I don't and then I'm emotional and the whole reason God has to be so protective of my heart is because He has His own share of cuts and bruises from trying to manipulate it and form it into what He wants while I fight and resist.
That's why He fights off the boys. He's like, "Oh no you don't. Do you even know how much I've fought for this heart. You want a piece of it?? You're going to have to go through me."
Guys, last night, one of the men from my student ministry challenged us to be trained in godliness.
I want that so bad. You have no idea how badly I want that.
I'm terrible at the 'Christianity' thing. I'm so terrible. Sometimes I only pray once a week. Sometimes I don't even open my Bible unless I'm at church. I don't pursue God.
I pursue my heart feeling healed. I pursue joy. I pursue feeling whole. But I don't pursue God. I mean, I pursue God so that I can feel healed and joyful and whole, but I'm not pursuing God because I'm in love with Him and just want to be like him. I pursue Him for the feelings that come as a result. I pursue the symptoms of God. SYMPTOMS guys.
Like having a running nose and a sore throat doesn't mean you have a cold. You have a cold when cells in your body are fighting infection cells and there is a battle going on that you don't see and the symptoms are just the signs that it's going on.
I don't want symptoms, guys. I want God. I don't want to be a symptom in the church, guys. I don't want to be a symptom of my leaders pursuing God. I want to be the one pursuing God.
And here I'm asking the Lord, "Can you hold me together? Just keep my heart from going everywhere when it breaks again."
And I don't want it to break because I attached it to my wonderful, God-loving friends and I have to move. I want it to break because God moved in and He was too big for it. I don't want to be a small human with a small human heart. I want to be a small human with the heart of God. A heart easily broken for the things that matter. And I know it will have to break.
I think I'm okay with that. I think I'm okay with a life of brokenness as long as the Lord never leaves me. As long as the pieces can be put back together and I have the strength to breathe.
Sometimes life hurts too much to breathe. That's when the Lord reaches down and breathes into my nostrils the breath of life. Sometimes I need a little mouth-to-mouth before taking the next step.
Maybe that's what this is. Another measure of faith being poured out in the exact amount needed before the next step. Before the next crack. Before the next break.
Okay, Lord. Let's do this.
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