2020 Christmas Letter

I was recently reminded about this blog again, so I figured I may as well at least give another year in review..per the usual.  

“2020” has been like a dirty sock in one’s mouth this year for a lot of people. We are here to tell you just how great it actually was! 

January: Lots of ice-skating, lots of hot chocolate and squinting our eyes against the bright reflection of the sun off of the white snow and shiny frozen pond. Shane and I spent many an evening putting together a Mandalorian costume for the Pathway Carnival and Emma dressed as Baby Yoda. We were proud.

February: I took up teaching art at Shane’s Alma Mater as the need for an art teacher suddenly arose and it was a lovely challenge. Not too many tears shed for a first-timer.
Shane made his second biggest purchase of his life: A portion of Graber Heating, and officially became one of the 3 part-owners. Not too many kids buy a house AND a business by 23 years old, so Shane likes to feel like he’s on his way to a supreme world-wide take over.  So far, so good.

March: Is this when the whole “pandemic” thing started? What a month. My younger sister, Eva, moved in with us when colleges went online for the rest of the semester. Social gatherings shrunk down and suddenly, the busy-busy-go-go-go of life melted into a gentle rest. But all that “suddenly-being-shut-in-the-house” thing turned violent. Night after night of fighting, finger-nails digging into flesh, bruised knuckles and dry, sore throats from the yelling, it was determined that the evening Dutch Blitz games were getting too competitive and a calmer, less physically demanding sport needed to be sought out.
We did find, (Over Shane’s birthday) that Clue, though less violent, did not take off the competitive edge and it was determined that an evening walk through the neighborhood was the best way to stay at peace. 

April: Our first Easter without an in-person Easter service and egg casseroles by the dozens. We also missed dying eggs, but that was more due to our lack of planning than anything. We did have a very lovely day celebrating Eva’s birthday and a small gathering with Shane’s family as we figured if the Corona was going to get us, it would probably get alllllll of us sooner or later.
No one got Corona that day, so all is well that ends well.

May: Of Course we celebrated May the 4^th (be with you) with Starwars themed desserts and a Mandalorian marathon with our sweet friends/neighbors/family (Shelby & Keilah Graber). May brought warm weather and spring. Also, thanks to the Pandemic, Shane got to take his week long journeyman classes at home (Instead of getting up at 5am and being gone for 12 hours). We loved that!

June: June was pure delight as we celebrated Shane’s brother’s graduation from highschool and Shane’s sister, Shelley, from Oregon came to visit for a full month. June was filled with laughter and swimming and watermelon and chasing fireflies and shooting stars.

July: July started with a family reunion in Michigan that made us feel like the world was spinning like normal again. After our 6-8hour drive back home, I drove sweet Emma to my sister, Pearl’s, house to drop her off for a week while Shane and I took Shaylon’s senior class on their class trip to Connecticut. “What is in Connecticut?” You might ask. Well, it was the only state not in the Midwest that had some historical things open to the public this summer. The rest of July flew by as it was mostly fixing air conditioners and wishing the summer would stay forever.

August: Emma turned 1! We are so in love with our little girl. We had a joint birthday party with her and her cousin, Valor, who is just 2 weeks younger. They are already best friends and we intend to encourage that forever. We gave up on our garden mid-august as well. What garden? Well, ha, we planted this garden back in may under the cover of darkness. Meaning, we were out there at 11pm and it was so dark that when we looked the next day, our rows weren’t even a little bit straight. All our summer activities prevented us from (At least that’s my  excuse) keeping it from being overrun by weeds. It turns out we are REALLY good at growing crab grass. Our most delicious crop this year was cherry tomatoes. And we didn’t even plant them, they just came up on their own. (Maybe next year..?)

September: For my birthday, Shane offered to finish the basement bathroom and I excitedly spent my birthday evening wandering through Menards, smelling 2x4s and picking out flooring samples and ordering a shower. *Sigh* what bliss. It is December. (I'm still dreaming)

October: We took advantage of the low-costing airline tickets and flew to Oregon to see Shane’s sisters. It was a wonderful trip, filled with hiking, late night discussions and precious moments with our nieces and nephews that are growing up way too fast. When we arrived back to Iowa, we attended the best murder mystery dinner party of our young lives and it was an added highlight to the month.

November: Not that anyone wants to hear anything more about Covid, but, thanks to most of mine and some of Shane's family getting it, Thanksgiving gatherings were unchanged. Being with family was the perfect way to celebrate what we are most thankful for and we will never take it for granted.

December:  Shane won another co-ed volleyball league championship. Fern finished her semester teaching 1^st-12^th grade at Pathway Christian School. If 2020 taught us anything, it is that friends and family are of the most precious gifts we’ve been given and time with those dear to us should never be taken for granted.

As we head in to another year, another trip around the sun, we look forward to all the ways God has planned to grow us and stretch and sharpen us for His purpose.

Peace in Chaos

Since I don't often SHARE these blogs when I write them, this blogsite has become a bit of a public journal of sorts for all to find when stalking into my online presence. Ha

So anyways.. congrats! You found my secret public journal/ diary thing where I share my thoughts with whomever cares to know them. Its a quiet Saturday morning at the start of August and my child is napping in her highchair and will hopefully remain that way for at least 30 more minutes. (The highchair reclines into a bed situation if you're at all imagining her head being all slumped over)

Shane and I just celebrated our 3rd marriage anniversary and it was a lovely reminder of still being best friends and whimsically in love. I say reminder, because life can be busy and chaotic and its possible to find yourself questioning where you're at with everything. No worries, we're doing great. In fact, trying to master the restart... again. Because here's the deal.. you start off all in love and get all this energy from serving each other and trying to anticipate the others needs and getting a rush from being selfless. Like, "Oh, you're eating popcorn, I'm sure you'll be thirsty, let me get you some water before you even realize you're thirsty" or "you've had a long day, let me have supper ready and the house picked up and your towel warming in the dryer for when you get out of the shower." *sigh* If you're married without any small humans... keep on doing that thing. Because, we added a human and it's easy to just..ask and expect things from eachother and become more self-focused when you both feel like you're carrying all the burdens. 
Shane works fullllll time and I'm more part-timey. He carries the financial burden on his own and whatever my paycheck is usually goes into savings or extra payments on the house. He works hard and comes home tired and exhausted. But I have the baby all day which can be a lot and then the house and when Shane gets home I want help and a break and just a moment to think. And he gets home and he wants a break and a moment to think. And pretty soon you're not all in sync like you need to be if you're running a three-legged-race. You start going opposite and tripping. 

I'd say 90% of our conflict is when we are WANTING from eachother without much giving and having unmet expectations. And you have to keep restarting and apologizing and thinking more on what you can do for eachother and then lifting eachother's burdens comes more naturally and doesn't seem like extra work and it frees up everything. At least, that seems to be the wisdom I've gleaned lately. 

Anyways, keeping walking with the Lord goes a long way for not getting too focused on yourself and your own wants and desires and burdens. My sis-in-love has been saying lately, "Quiet time doesn't have to be quiet" and that is actually very inspiring to me. 
In college I'd go off on these retreats and wake up by a lake and do my quiet time with coffee on a dock or in a meadow or on a porch on some foggy misty morning that just made everything so...intense. 
"I sensed God's nearness".....I'm finding in my adulthood that slowing down doesn't necessarily MEAN coffee by still waters. And God's nearness doesn't leave you and just because you're not having some major feelings of peace and tranquility doesn't mean you're not near to God. Peace in your heart doesn't eliminate chaos from your life. 

Your life can still seem chaotic and people in your life can still be awful and mean and malicious and you can feel like God is just running in circles around you without stepping in but that's not reality. 
Reality is Him laying a steadying hand on you to keep you from fighting back, and providing comfort and healing when the woundings don't stop. We aren't promised heaven now, we're promised heaven later, and we often mistake our tastes of heaven as affirmation that we've got it "Right." 

Perhaps I've just become a little more cynical, but I'd like to think I'm just an optimistic realist. Because life is actually kind of ugly sometimes. And being a Christian, believer, person of the faith doesn't exempt you from that stuff. Sometimes the worst people you know are people who also claim to be believing Christians. And you have to..."Fellowship" with them... and it's like rubbing a blister raw over and over and never getting to be healed. And you REALLY have to pursue the Lord to keep from being bitter and horrible back to them. And its frustrating because you think, "How long must I keep turning my other cheek?" and the answer is, "For the rest of your life." LITERALLY years. 

So anyways... another pro-tip for to the marriage thing, don't let your battles with awful people become something you battle your spouse with. Like... just because your spouse is trying to guide your attitude to a better place, does not mean they're siding against you. 

Ha.. so anyways.. I find it funny that I live on a pond. Every day my few is quiet waters and a windmill and little fish sometimes splashing out of the water. I have the perfect combo for perfect quiet times everyday. But if you're heart isn't quiet, nothing is quiet. And I'm learning that what goes on inside me is a whole lot more important than my circumstances on the outside of me. 

To Be Still and Know

April 6th, 2020

Hello All! I'm home, I'm starting to get bored, I figured it's time to dust off the ol' public journal...errr I mean blog. I was homeschooled until I was 17, guys. HOMESCHOOLED. I should be well prepared for this quarantine thing. I should be a master. BUT, even then I had youth group and church to break up the days at home. PLUS, I lived in the days of instant messenger on facebook and MSN and I feel like TYPE chatting to people was also helpful. I haven't washed my hair/done make up in a long time.. so I'm not big into video calls.. but if anyone wants to type chat, I'm here for it. 

OKAY.. anyways.. thats a quick peep into my current life. We're all holed up, we're all doing a million Instagram challenges and we're all getting sick of them at the same time. 

Yesterday I finished my second book since the shut down started and in TRYING to keep off my phone, I experienced straight up boredom. I was so bored! I started unloading my dishwasher and cleaning things ( Which I USUALLY dislike doing). Guys, I'm caught up on laundry. My bed is made. These are all miraculous things that don't happen when my life is full of things and places to go and parties to host and attend and life. 

I had a nephew say the most profound things once when looking into my overly stuffed and pack trunk of my car, I said, "ha.. my trunk is a mess!" and his profound 5 year-old self said, "It's not a mess! It just has a lot of stuff in it." (MY HEART!) Profound. BECAUSE, when life is crazy and my laundry spilling out of the dryer and my closet and the floor, my house a mess but its because my life has a lot of stuff in it. 

Anyways, life has slowed down quite a lot lately. Instead of our Sunday rush of going to church, coming home and quick grabbing lunch before Shane's volley ball game and then quick rushing home to give Emma a little attention before rushing off to my Women's Bible study. And that's just how our SUNDAYS went. Monday through Friday was mixed with work and being at the school to direct play practice, connection group and whatever other sports event going on. Busy, good, full. 

But, God has been doing major reconstructive surgery on my heart lately and being busy doesn't really work very well when God wants you to be still and know Him. Any of my blogs written in the last several years touch on it a little. To sum up, right before Shane and I got married, one of our good friends at the time wrote this really long letter with some very unkind things in it but claimed it was all inspired by "God" and when we attempted to address the issues and restore the relationship, it went very poorly and we had to walk away from that friendship indefinitely. I've spent a good amount of the last 3 years sorting out God's true nature, my identity in Christ and how to love people who aren't loving. I never thought I'd be one to struggle so  much to love another person, but it's been a real battle. But, my husband has been a brave leader these last 3 years as well. Forcing me to pray when I didn't think I could. Forcing me to ask for healing when it felt like it hurt too much to fix. Reading scripture over me when I didn't have a taste for it.  But, the Lord laid it on my heart to be "Over it" by the end of this year. I mean, honestly, 3 years is already too long to be broken, right? But when your heart gets shredded, I don't think you can put a timeline on WHEN you'll be healed again. But, for me, it's time.

And the busy-free time to be still has opened up a space for me to rest in the Lord. To rest my heart in the Truth. 

2020

(Written Feb, 2020)


Hello and Goodbye to January 2020. Also, happy 10 years of existence to this blog...which has now become more of an online public journal.

I thought about doing my usual late Christmas/New Years letter here... as of course I completely failed to finish and get that out... but even then, my brain cannot think enough thoughts to truly make it worth the read.

2019 in review goes like this: I was pregnant, I was super sick, lots of puking and swelling, baby flipped herself breach in the last few weeks, couldn't be flipped back, had a c-section. Baby joined our outside world, we like her a lot. We traveled to Oregon for Thanksgiving and that was fun, we went to my parents for Christmas and all got the plague and nearly died (Thats exaggerated slightly) and then here we are. Exciting but not all at once. 

I have exactly one New Years resolution. Nearly three years ago I experienced a deep hurt by someone I had thought was a friend. But in an instant everything shattered and they said horrible things and expressed a deep hatred for me (which was very out of left field at the time) and I've been rather a mess ever since. And I've hated them in return, honestly. Their spouse hates me as well, probably more so than the former friend, so I've rather disliked both of them. And this year I resolve to be free of everything that has to do with that whole horrible encounter. 

I once thought I knew the key to healing and being whole. And perhaps I know it in my head.. obviously isn't Jesus the answer for everything? Sure. But actually, this one wont fix over night. And perhaps won't fix for years to come. My husband has been the most patient and gallant leader through it all, and I probably wouldn't care much to work on the resolution if I didn't see how much he loves me and hurts to see me still so wounded and broken still. 

I will say, that forgiving despicable people is 100% super natural. Especially when now, 3 years later, I still see them on occasion and they are still cold towards me and still have 0 ounce of love in their hearts for me and a lot of times they're just pouring salt on a still open wound. I don't expect them to change, nor do I wish for there ever to be any sort of restoration of the relationship, my wish is for my own heart to be completely whole and restored and for me to be able to pass them on the street and not remember so vividly the demonic encounter that was born straight from hell. 

Anyways, that is the most honest, live look into me.  

Thankful

A few weeks ago as the snow was beginning to melt and leave muddy residue everywhere, my sweet husband graced us with a visit at home over his lunch hour. As I was preparing his lunch, he paused at the bottom of our stairs to swipe his boots on the rug before running up them to retrieve his watch he'd left behind. 

We have white carpeted stairs and the whole upstairs is white carpet. A thick, plush, memory foam shaggy white carpet. We never walk with our shoes on the carpet.. not even our cleanest pair unless its a super emergency and super fast. As I looked up the stairs after Shane had run up them and observed the perfect muddy tread line from his boots, my initial thought was to be annoyed and a little upset. However, I also thought of how nice it was to have Shane home for lunch and how thankful I was that he'd made a special trip to see us and how I also own soap, water, cleaning agents and rags. 

Shane and I didn't have any children when the house was being built and we were given the choice of having it made to our specifications. My mother-in-law had 7 children of her own and advised strongly against white carpet, but I was absolutely sure that's what I wanted and I would simply train my little ones to removed their shoes in the house. I did not take into consideration at the time, how often Shane and I would be almost ready to leave to go somewhere and realize we needed to run up the stairs to get it and so we'd had to remove our shoes, retrieve the object, come down ,put our shoes back on.. etc. I'm thankful to have a custom house with fluffy white carpet, but, in all reality, its a thing that will get dirty and will probably need to be replaced in a few years. 

Anyways, so with Thanksgiving being right around the corner, I can't help but notice that my attitude isn't always that of thankfulness. I've been trying to make it a habit to find something for which I am thankful whenever a complaint comes to mind. i.e. I' m thankful I have a sweet husband like Shane to make muddy footprints on the white carpet when others don't have that.  I'm sure for everyone who has lost a loved one, they'd take muddy carpet footprints any day of the week just to have them back.

Life Changes

Here we are, 3 1/2 weeks into parenthood and loving it. I will admit, there are times I cry more than she does, but she is a very happy baby who is content to sleep most of the time... except at night time when I would like to be sleeping... hence the crying on my part. It's amazing what post-partum hormones and lack of sleep will do to one's emotions. 

Anyways, it was hard for me to transition from working in the Graber Heating office full time to just being home with a baby. Actually, Shane and I were responding to work emails and calls while we were still in the hospital.. the day she was born, even. 😬. ( She was sleeping.. we weren't missing anything). But in the weeks since being home, I've come to enjoy the quiet moments of being able to read and sip coffee and try and come up with a plan for supper. I'm thankful my appreciation of the taste of coffee came back as I could barely stand it while pregnant. Granted, the morning sickness stuck with me all the way up to the operating table while the were c-sectioning the baby out. As I started my usual morning dry-heaving and loss of stomach contents (Of which there were none as I had to fast before surgery) mid operation, I managed to croak out to the nurse standing nearby that I was going to throw up. The anesthesiologist sitting just behind my head heard me and jumped up to add an anti-nausea something to my IV line while the kind nurse held a vomit pan to my mouth. I was numbed from the neck down at that point and I can't say if I've had much weirder sensations than dry-heaving on an operating table when one has no feeling in ones muscles that are doing the dry heaving. But all is well and I'm happy to say that it has been a wonderful three weeks of not throwing up and I've never appreciated feeling so well as I do now. 

However, during my entire pregnancy I managed to avoid getting colds or bronchitis or the flu as it swept through its usual course of the seasons. But I was hit with a cold this last weekend and I'm not even sure how to handle it. I digress.

Baby is a doll. She's not much for crying unless I have to suction out her nose or give her a bath. She's slowly gaining weight and is 8 1/2 lbs these days! I'm amazed at how quickly she is growing and changing. Every mom says that, but its crazy when you see it first hand. I am still recovering from the c-section and am still sore and sometimes in pain but they said at least 6 weeks of recovery would be needed. 

Shane is the true people's hero. He is back to work full time and doesn't get to recover from middle-of-the-night feedings or diapers by sleeping a little extra like I do. Shane still wakes up almost everytime baby does as with me still recovering from the surgery, baby stays in a bassinet on his side and she hands baby over almost every time she's fussing. Plus, he often does her midnight diapers as he is very quick and efficient and doesn't mind them.  Poor man, though, I don't know how he isn't dying from exhaustion. 

Spring Update

The end of April has arrived and so has Spring... in theory. Granted it's only 50 degrees and it snowed on Saturday and I'm currently sitting in front of a space heater and have had to reschedule A/C checks no less than a dozen times already.

Fun fact, its best to check your A/C refrigerant pressures when its 60F or warmer. It hasn't really been warm enough.

Anyways, I've had a lot of people request updates on the Shane and Fern Graber household, so here I am.

We are having a little baby!!

 

Shane and I wanted a wee little babe for sometime before we actually got one, so we are very thankful. However, pregnancy hasn't been what I imagined it would be. 

Some women get morning sickness, some don't. It's different for everyone. I for sure got it... and still have it sometimes. I spent almost the entirety of January laying in bed and mostly only getting up  to throw up a couple 5-7 times a day. As you can see by the adorable pictures above, I would say the experience was worth it. And Shane was the real MVP as he lost 10lbs from me no longer cooking and him using all his spare moments to get me toast or water and do all the household chores that require standing up/walking/ movement. We are both fairly recovered. As of week 25 of being pregnant, the morning sickness has finally just only been in the morning and the throwing up part is starting to be only once a week. So that is nice. 

The trade off, it seems, for not being sick all the time is to have swollen appendages. This is fine. I have one kidney, so the blood pressure thing was a risk from the get go. As of recently my OB added some medicines to slow my heart down, which has lessened the balloon feeling in my feet. (I've also given up salt and am having to drink as much water as I consciously can) 

The main risk that my OB is watching for is preeclampsia... which, having two kidneys is usually better recommended for growing small humans, but we will see. 

Shane and I officially purchased our home in February. It is SO nice to just put nails in the wall and add curtains and things. We have yet to put shelves in our closets... so we still have boxes all boxed, but the warmer weather means the messy projects like sanding and painting will soon be done. 

We have a little pond that apparently has fish.. I've caught none, but I like the little paddle boat. 

Shane and I have taken up traveling again now that I'm feeling better. We've hit up Texas, Arkansas and Wisconsin and are planning for Minnesota and Nebraska in the near future. Just hitting a few local states and what not. Is third trimester considered home stretch? I don't know, but we're trying to squeeze in all the travels before we get there, just in case the swelling stuff gets worse and I'm nothing but a balloon towards the end of it.

When we're not traveling on weekends, we find ourselves somewhat busy during the week. We have Connection Group (Bible Study) on Tuesdays and Shane has basketball on Wednesday and our Mondays and Thursdays have often been hosting friends for a meal or meeting up for walks and things.

We are rather excited to see the weather turn warmer again. Shane's life dream besides being an HVAC man is to be a farmer. While owning our own little plot of earth is a step in the right direction, we've decided to start our garden next year.. once the ground is a little more landscaped and the rocks and construction leftovers are more more picked up. Although, I wouldn't put it past Shane to throw a couple seeds of corn in the ground off our back patio as corn-on-the-cob is one of his love languages. If anyone finds themselves with extra corn this year, if you feed it to Shane he will be the happiest of happy people to receive it.

In the meantime, we are loving our tiny little town of less than 1300 people and watching the sunset over the pond and working at Graber Heating.