The Truth Hurts

My apologies for the recent drop off in postings lately. To be honest... I think I myself have kind of dropped off. I've drafted a few ideas here and there..but nothing has really excited my heart to a point of feeling like I had much to share. 

One of the things I've realized about myself is that while I like being transparent in my walk with the Lord... I only like to be transparent when my walk is going "well." It hasn't been going well lately. It hasn't really been going....at all. About a week ago, I was praying very specifically for a waiting time that I was supposed to be in for another two weeks to hurry up and go faster and right in the middle of that prayer, I was interrupted by a text message that was actually an end to that wait. However, it wasn't the answer that I had been praying for, it wasn't what I had surrendered to, it wasn't what I felt like I deserved. In fact, I was angry, if I'm being honest. I think I felt betrayed because I had done everything "right" and what I knew was about to happen was not what my heart wanted. 

I've cried everyday since that moment. In fact, that night, I fell asleep crying and woke up with tears still rolling out of my eyes.  I think I felt entitlement. After all the things I've learned about God in the last several months, after all I have experienced in how He pursues my heart relentlessly, after all I've come to know about Him having the plan of hope for my future, I was still thinking I could do things to get what I wanted. 

I think I started running from God. I mean.. I know I did. I've been running. In my mind I know it's dumb. It's so.. pointless and dumb to run from God and I know that.. but that didn't..and doesn't really change what I actually do. Because, with God.. you have to feel things. With God, you have you be real. You have to be vulnerable. You have to expose your heart. You have to let yourself feel pain. 

I don't like pain. I like to feel happy, I like to feel joy, I like to feel love...but I do not like to feel pain. I'm good at being too busy to feel pain. At the same time, I'm good at being too busy to let God heal my pain. Because if I talk to God about it, I have to remember it. If I remember it, I have to re-live it emotionally because I am a girl and I think in emotion and I can't remember an event or a comment or a moment without remembering the emotion that was experienced at the time of that event, comment or moment. And too be honest, sometimes it hurts too much. 

"So how's that workin' out for ya?" One might ask. Well... not so great. My heart has "caught a cold." I've hurt my closest friends, my leadership in Bible study this week was basically a train wreck, I played the part of a wounded tiger and not only snapped at things that usually don't phase me, made judgmental comments that shouldn't have come out of my mouth, but also allowed myself to be angry and unforgiving towards people. 

That's the ugly part of me. Nothing like saying things that wound your closest friends to humble you and break you of pride and catch you in your sin. Know what I really hate? Saying sorry. 
I hate, hate, hate having to say sorry to people. I realized this when I hurt a dear friend with sharp words. I don't hate saying sorry because I'm not sorry. It's because I am. It's because I'm protective of my friends and I hate seeing anyone or anything hurt them. It hurts me to see them hurt.When *I'm* the cause of that hurt, it hurts even more. And because I think in emotion, I have to remember how I hurt when I hurt them and sometimes it hurts too much to remember. Like I said... I like to run from pain. 

I try to be transparent. Most people see me happy. That's because I am! People make me happy! Even when my heart hurts, it is very rare that you will see me be sad around more than one person because I just love being around people so much. The hard part is, I don't do a ton of one-on-one and if I do, I will ask as many questions as I can to keep them from asking questions about me. Because if they ask, I have to remember. I just don't like to. I like to think happy thoughts.. they lift you into the air! 

One of my verrrrrrry favorite things ever that makes my heart happy is sailing. I LOVE sailing. I have been a sailor for over ten years now. I think I was 11 when I took the class and got my certification. During the class we learned all the parts of our boats and all the crazy physics that go into sailing like the importance of the angle of your sail with the direction of the wind and who has rite of way when passing on the leeward side. 
One of the most important things to know about when sailing a boat, especially on the high-wind days is the boom. It's the big metal..uhm..I guess it's a pole-type deal that attaches to the main sheet and runs perpendicular to the mast. Basically, it's the part that swings over your head when your sail moves. 
If you do a Jibe, that is, turn around by turning away from the wind, your sail doesn't catch wind til the last second and you have about that fast to duck your head down before that boom comes swinging around and the boat takes off in a hurry. 

One time I forgot to warn one of my passengers in time and the boom knocked her out of the cockpit and into the water. She had managed to grab onto the boom on her way of the boat as thus held onto, which didn't allow me to set the sail free, so we were still catching plenty of wind and she was being dragged along in the water for a little ways before the boat eventually capsized completely. 

Basically what I'm saying, I think truth acts like a boom sometimes. Wanna know why the boom is called what it is? It's because boom is the sound that the pole thing makes when it smacks you in the head. Booms are essential for a sailboat. If you didn't have one, your sail would flap in the wind and your boat would never go anywhere. If you acknowledge the boom every time you make a turn, you can successfully tack or jibe without getting smacked in the head and potentially getting a concussion. 
When we were in sailing class, my oh-so-punny brother made the comment, "Today I learned why the boom is called a 'boom'...the truth hurts." Ha.. well it's true. If we don't acknowledge Truth when it comes around.. it's gonna hit us in the head every time. And we can think we're doing fine... but that's probably the 3 second delay in a port-side jibe before the boom whips around before you have time to see it coming. 

There was one particularly windy day where it seemed like I was spending more time doing capsize recovery strategies than I was actually sailing.  When my boat capsized, I'd swim around to the bottom side of it as fast as I could but the wind was bad enough that my boat seemed to turtle in the water.  As the boat would turn completely upside-down, my dagger board would come out and I'd have to swim back to the cockpit and put the board back in so I could leverage my boat out of the water. Eventually I learned to use my tow-line and tie the board down by hitching it to the main cleat before swimming around and using all my muscles to pull my sail out of the mud and get the boat upright. I hated those high-wind days because you had to watch for the boom even when you tacked. I hated turning because the boom would come fast and it would hurt. But, not turning, not sailing, not moving wasn't an option.. even though the boom would hit my head. I got hit by the boom more times when I was in irons (that's when you put your bow to the wind so your sail doesn't catch anything and your boat doens't move)  than when I was turning. 

The boom is also essential for getting out of 'irons.' You have to grab hold of it with one hand and push your tiller extension away from you so  your boat sails backwards a little...it's kinda like backing out of parking space. But you couldn't get out without the boom. 

So in my life, when I refuse to acknowledge the truth.. I'm gonna be hit with it. When I refuse to walk with the Lord and I let my sails go slack and sit dead in the water, I'm going to be hit with the truth a lot more. When I get exhausted and tired and ready to quit.. that doesn't change what the Truth is or how it will treat me. You kinda have to fear it. You have to respect it. Because it's not going to be gentle with you even when your heart is tender. That's not to say God is not tender..He is! He is SO tender and loving and caring. But, when your heart is in sin, God doesn't change how he deals with that. No matter what the issue is, He's gonna smack you up side the head. Period. 

And you know what? The truth hurts. But it'll help you sail on the most epic adventures. It'll help you catch wind so you can get on top of the waves and feel like you're flying. It'll help you out of irons.. out of being stuck. And you can choose to be in irons for as long as you wish. Not moving, not doing anything. But the boom's just gonna be flapping in the wind and smacking you continuously in the head until you grab hold of it and let it help you out of irons and let it get you sailing again. 

I've been in irons the last week or so. I think I'm ready to take hold of the boom and sail again.