Holy and Dearly Loved

I'm so overwhelmed with the goodness of God right now that I don't even know if there is a starting point for it all. 
I know I keep referring to last semester when I went through a dark time, but it was such a monumental time in my walk with God and I am still every day learning from it and realizing just how incredibly big and wonderful my Father is and how he plans so carefully the details of my life. 
So last semester when I was going through my valley of darkness, I hated going to sleep. I hated the night time because I no longer had something to fill my time or occupy my thoughts and distract me from the pain that overwhelmed my heart. I would lay in my bed trying to fall asleep but mostly I would just cry and think on the pain I was experiencing. People would tell me that God was in control of all things and that He had all this planned and all I could think of as a response was, "No.. God is not cruel. I don't want to believe that this was God's design." And it wasn't just relationships, it was school and my character and even my faith in God that seemed to be victim to the storm in which I had found myself to be drowning. I felt that there was no way that God, in His loving, compassionate self, could have wanted my heart to experience that gutting that it did and that it was simply caused by the world being a cruel place to live. It was my belief that while God didn't want me to be in the pain that I was, He was going to rescue me from it eventually.  

I think I was wrong. If I truly believe that God is in control of all things, than I would have to believe that God caused all of that. But, my God is not cruel. The explanation for all of that continues to be revealed to me day by day. The closer I have come to God in all of this, the more I have come to seeing how beautiful His ways are. At one point during that time, a family member whom I greatly admire sent me an email containing Colossians 3:12-17 encouraging me to clothe myself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. She encouraged me to put on love and receive Christ's love for me, to be thankful, to let the peace of Christ rule in my heart. I've thought about this often since I first read it. I had read it before, probably multiple times, but the timing of receiving this Word again was  captivating to me. Why now? I mean, we are always called to do those things, but what was so significant about doing it right at that moment?

I love going to sleep now. As I let my body rest, I talk to Jesus and ask Him to be near to me and take me into His presence. He does. As my eyes are shut He shows be beautiful visions of what He is doing and I have often heard His voice whispering His words of love and healing into the deepest places of my heart.Last night I had a class that starts and 6:30 and doesn't end til 9pm. There was a cold advisory for temperatures that dropped well below zero and a wind advisory that brought the temp down to -29. That's not exactly safe for walking a mile 1/2, especially after dark. My mom gave me this ridiculously big coat that's so big that I can't even get my backpack on over it and I feel like a walking marshmallow when I wear it. I've been refusing to wear it for the last several months because I don't like to look silly. 
Last night, it was too cold and so on went the coat. I did feel a little silly, but I felt it was worth it. The coat was so glorious that I didn't even feel the temperature change when I stepped outside apart from my legs. 

As I was falling asleep I asked Jesus to take me to His garden again, as that is the place we often go together when He tells me of the plans He has for me life. We had a lovely conversation. He was showing me the green grass and the plants that thrive and a beautiful pool where one cools off when it seems too hot. I asked Him if there was a fireplace for warming up after getting cold. He told me it doesn't get cold there. I told Him it is cold where I live now, quite miserable in fact. He said He knew. I asked Him why. Why must we experience the cold? That's when He told me that hard things we go through are like the cold. But we must dress for it and be prepared. That is why we clothe ourselves with compassion and kindness, gentleness and patience. That is why we put on Christ's love. Because when the trials come, we are not affected by them. Just like that big coat didn't let any cold in, that's what those things are for us. When we put on all those things, we are protected from any bitter seeds growing in our hearts. If we don't, may catch a cold or a sinus infection that makes it so our ministry needs a sick leave. 

Is that not beautiful? God is so clever. Because even SNOW works in that picture. God blankets everything with Him, his purity, His love, and He preserves it for us when we come out of our trials into a beautiful Springtime. 

This morning I was listening to Beth Moore's talk on getting out of the pit. She described "The Pit" as being anything negative that we cannot get ourselves out of. She said there are three ways of getting in, 1) You can get thrown in. 2) You can slip in. 3) You can jump in. 
It was the one about slipping that really got to me. She talked about struggling with sin that we never ever expected to. Like being hit by a curveball and all the sudden finding yourself in a place that you never ever planned to be. That was me. Shortly before things "fell apart" completely, I had found myself fighting against temptations that I never thought would have been my struggle. I even had told several of my accountability partners, "I never expected this to be me." But as I listened to this, the verse that said, "But as for me, my feet had almost slipped; I had nearly lost my foothold"(Ps 73:2) played through my head. And then the Holy Spirit promptly reminded me, "But you didn't! I saved you! See? If things hadn't "fallen apart" than maybe you would have been in that pit. But I held your hand. I kept you from falling in. It's because I love you. That is my great plan. I loved you too much to let you fall in. And not only that, but when you experienced pain, you clung to me. You wanted to know me better and that is how I drew you in. Don't you see it? It's because I love you."

My God is not cruel. How abounding in love He is!! He withholds no good things from those He loves! Even if that good thing must be found when digging through the rubble of something lost. Even if that good thing comes through some form of pain. Even if that good thing is seeing how He heals a broken heart, He doesn't hold back. I've come to realize that that "good thing" is Him. He doesn't withhold any part of His goodness from us. We get to experience all of His love, all of His compassions, all of His grace, all of His joy, all of His courage, all of His comfort, all of His strength. 
But how then shall we experience it if we do not need it? How will we experience comfort if we have not experienced loss? How will we experience grace if we have not fallen? How will we experience joy if we have not hurt? How will He demonstrate His good things for us if He doesn't have our attention? 

No, He loves us too much. He will do incredible things to demonstrate that. He will pull us out of pits, carry us through fires, take us through deep waters, hold our hands in dark places, and take us in His arms and love us with an incredible passion that we will never fully comprehend. And that is why He says in scripture, "Holy and Dearly Loved." That is what He calls us. That is what we are.