Life

While I find myself clinging to God in a midst of trials, life goes on and I should probably update those interested on account of the significance of life change lately. 

First of all, health wise, things are getting better! I went to a GI in September who ordered lots of tests and for everything he tested the results always came back negative. This has been relieving and frustrating because I know I still get sick sometimes and telling me what it's not does not offer much by way of an answer. But! In october I was trying new things and ate what I thought was kuskus which actually turned out to be barley which is high in gluten. I waited for the usual nausea and stomach ache to set in but that never happen. (Amazing!)
A couple days after that one of my friends was eating some chips that had wheat in them and offered me one. Usually any trace amount of wheat would get me sick so I figured that was a bad idea. But then I decided to try it any way on account I didn't react to the Barley. I went to bed thinking I'd be waking up nauseous but I was fine. So, since then I've been trying wheat products here and there and have been handling most of them fine. This is SO exciting! When I first realized my gluten intolerance I didn't have a ton of hope that I would recover since month after month even trace amounts made me so sick. (Candida diet for the win!). Also, sugars I'm handling better (honey still gets me) and some dairy is okay. Two days ago I had a 5 hour lactose test and that was *not* fun. 
They test you by putting powdered lactose into a cup of water and making you drink it and then asking you how you feel every 30 minutes (via filling out a chart) as you blow into a plastic balloon that they later use to test the gas levels on your breath. I got so sick after that. As sick as I would get prior to giving up gluten a year ago. Miserable. But! At least I know to avoid lactose even before they give me the results of that test. 

It's nice to start eating normal people food, especially since it costs a lot less than fresh produce and organic stuff. I still get sick on occasion, though, but I'm returning to my GI next week for follow up.

Nextly,  Thanksgiving break was incredible!! Of course I went into it completely exhausted emotionally and physically much ready for some recovery. While rest was good, it did not "fix" my still broken state. But, it was a huge blessing all the same. I spent my first days of break at home with my parents and younger siblings. It was such a joyful time! From there my younger brother, Kit, and I flew out to Florida to be with our wonderful cousins as our time with them this summer was cut way to short. It was overwhelming how great it was. Even my younger cousins have incredible knowledge of the Lord and deep insight into life situations. On Thanksgiving day, my aunt had everyone go around the room and share one or two things they were thankful for and all of what was shared brought such joy to my heart I could have cried. My youngest cousin there said, "I'm thankful that I have a loving and sovereign God." Is that not precious?? She's 12 and she already has a wonderful grasp on the Father we love. I think just hearing what people were thankful for was an other way of God telling me, "You are so loved, Fern. You are loved." And I know that... everywhere I turned I cannot deny that I am loved. 

Florida was amazing. It was not especially warm or sunny, but being with my cousins whom I dearly loved was so soothing to me. I felt at home there and it was difficult to say goodbye especially since seeing them is once a year at best and its getting to a point where it only last 3 or 4 days. :( 
It's a bit of a hard reality when you realize that you're growing up and family dynamics are changing. The many summers running wild with my cousins on the farm have now passed and as spread out as we are now, we will spread out more as we take jobs and move away.

Other exciting things.... God is blessing me everywhere I turn! It's still so crazy and humbling to be used by God. I have yet to come to a point in my life where I think, "Yeah.. I should be used because I've got mad skills"... no. I am still just me.. totally flawed and helpless on my own. But God likes to work miracles so here I am. 
Last year when leading a Bible study, we never had more than 4 girls attend at once. 4 was our number and it seemed small. It was good, but it never seemed to have reached a super deep, heart-connected level like I'd wanted. Don't get me wrong, though, we opened up to eachother and shared our hearts and grew in love for one another, but the transparency thing was not our forte. 
This year I'm leading again with 8 faithful attenders and 5 new girls wanting to join. Not all have been able to make it yet, but last night we had 3 new girls in attendance! This is incredible because that's not very typical for the end of the semester. But here's the crazy God moment story behind some of that. 

So my roommate, Miranda, and I lead together and so when we're asked to hand out the programs before Salt Company that typically means we do it together. Tuesday night at Salt she told me that a friend's mom had asked her welcome a girl who was going to come who didn't know anybody. Miranda didn't know this girls name or what she looked like.. all she knew was that she was looking for a girl who wasn't with anybody and was from Dubuque. Since there are two doors for entering into the gathering room, Miranda and I were both on the look out. For those that don't know me, I'm not a subtle person. So my strategy for welcoming this anonymous girl was to welcome every lost looking girl and invite them to sit with me if they didn't know anyone else. This turned out to be quite fun and I made 3 new friends as a result. Two of them were freshman girls totally new to Salt Company. The Lord is wonderful! As it turns out, the mom of Miranda's friend who told her to look out for the girl had actually texted Miranda at 7:30 that the girl wouldn't be there. This is funny because we started greeting people and handing out programs at 7:50. If Miranda had checked her phone, I wouldn't have been so concerned for people who didn't have anyone to sit by. 
God is still quite amazing because the next day, Miranda was given a call my an older man from the church she group up at who told her that there was this girl in town from Dubuque who was looking to get involved with a ministry and Miranda was the person he thought of to ask. This is funny because this man and Miranda's friend's mom probably don't even know eachother and for sure hadn't communicated with eachother. This time, though, Miranda was able to get the girl's name and meet her over the phone. I'm SO excited to see how the Lord is going to move in that. 

This weekend I'm going to visit Josh in Hamilton. That in and of itself is exciting, but God is working in that too. You see, Josh's little brother has a solid friend circle and I have been so blessed to be welcomed into it, even though I'm a college senior and they are in high school. The girls especially have a special place in my heart as I know the difficulties of high school and friendships and all that. High school was such a key time in my walk with the Lord and I was SO blessed by the older women around me who poured unsparingly into my life and I have such a burden on my heart to do the same for others. So this weekend, me and the girls are going to get together in a cafe and talk about Jesus and it's going to be so great! (If you read this before Saturday morning, feel free to pray over our time together). 

Oh! And another thing, I'm going to Nicaragua for Spring Break. I'm so excited to see what the Lord will do in my heart during that time. I'm learning to embrace the time God stretches me out of my comfort zone so that my comfort zone expands and my heart for His people grows. It will be an adventure! I so love adventures!! No worries.. I will post more on that as I learn it. 

Surrendered Hope

Surrender
1.)
a : to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand 

b : to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another

2.)

a : to give (oneself) up into the power of another especially as a prisoner

b : to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)

Hope

1

: to cherish a desire with anticipation

archaic : trust

: to desire with expectation of obtainment

2

: to expect with confidence : trust

— hope against hope

: to hope without any basis for expecting fulfillment

Hope...to cherish a desire or expect with confidence. Faith with out doubt is hope, isn't it? 

But while we hope, we must surrender. We have to give ourselves over to God's plan. We hope in what we do not see, but we surrender to what we do not plan. 

I'm still learning this. I will learn this again, too, probably. I'm still in my valley. It's been a while, but I'm learning to walk in it instead of being stubborn and refusing to move until the darkness is gone. I think everyone would rather do that.. hide. When the darkness closes in and the valley seems deep, we'd all much rather build a fort with the rocks around us and wait for the sun to come back before we get going on our faith journey again. Don't get me wrong, rest is good. Rest is needed. But there comes a point where we have to walk in the darkness so that you can walk out of it. I'm there now. My heart still hurts every day. But I actually find joy in it because as I walk in it, I meet others who are walking through trials as well and I get to tell them about the precious nuggets of hope I've found in my valley. Precious doesn't even describe them well, but they are treasures. 

Perhaps I have even learned to treasure this time of pain as I'm sure there will be a day when I am not in pain and not overwhelmed with joy either... I will be "meh" and I will look back and see how near God was to me in my pain and I will long for that. I will desire for God to be so obvious in his love for me.. or for me to at least be aware of how obvious he is in his love. I become quite blinded by my blessings sometimes. 

One of the bigs things I've treasured in this is God's love. I have felt it so consistently and I have experienced its soothing powers on the wounds of my heart. I have been overwhelmed by it. Because while I go through the pain of not being good enough in a lot of areas in my life.. God still loves me. That blows my mind. 

I've also treasured my believing friends *so* much. I can't tell you how many people have prayed over me since this whole thing started. I used to refuse to shed a tear in front of any body. Now I feel like everyone has seen me cry..it's humbling because I hate to think that I'm not strong enough for this trial, but I'm not. But their prayers have given me hope and have spoken truth and have soothed. 

I've treasured songs that I've heard a million times but I feel like I hear them for the first time when they seem to be exactly about me. 

For example "Blessed Be Your Name" has been overplayed for the last 10 years. How many million times have I sang "Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be your glorious name" and not meant it or felt it. But when it comes to my broken life, all I can think is to glorify God because I have absolutely nothing about me that is anything. I'm broken and empty. But God is still doing great things in my life. And so the lyrics "Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering..Blessed be Your name" mean a little more when I know what it is to actually feel pain in the surrender. Pain in the offering. Especially since my road is marked with suffering and the darkness has closed in, I will still choose to bless the Lord. I think it is the most beautiful thing in the world that Job fell on his face and said "The Lord gives and takes away, Blessed be His name". How many of us actually think that? More than anything we act like Jonah when the Lord had the worm eat his shade where he just complains that the Lord took away. I don't want that to be me. I don't want to be a Jonah.

I have treasured my quiet times with Jesus. They never seem long enough. I can start at 6:30am and go til 11am and it's still not enough. 

I have treasured God's promises when I can't stop the tears when I'm falling asleep. In those quiet moments where my mind reminds me of my pain because that's what it does when I try to fall asleep, the Holy Spirit has brought verses to mind. More than anything I've heard God tell me that He will never leave me. I like that. I don't like to be alone.

I have treasured how others have shared that they were going through a hard time as well. It is another reminder that I'm not alone. 

I have treasured how I have seen God answer prayers from months ago. Of course in the exact opposite way that I would want ( I picture answered prayers as making my life happier..not broken) but in a perfect, brilliant way. Painful.. but perfect.

I have treasured how my faith has grown and I have seen God's faithfulness in many more ways than I could have imagined.

I treasure how I know that walking through a trial of fire means that God values my faith and sees it as being of greater worth than gold. 

I treasure how God has so obviously been my strength when I don't have any.

I have treasured my mom's encouragement as she spurs me along and offers me wisdom.

I have treasured how people have asked me how I am doing because they care.

And those are just some of the treasures I've been given while I go through this. It's not terrible, I mean, it hurts, but God is with me and my faith is growing. Of course I'd be thankful if the darkness left me now and I was suddenly whole and healed and no longer broken or in pain. I'd love that. I long for that. But for now I can be thankful that God loves me enough to walk me through this. And so I surrender. I surrender my hope because I hope with confidence but I know that God is in control of what I don't see. I surrender my life and I claim the hope that God has promised. 

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him.  Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him,for we shall see him as he is. All who have this hope in him purify themselves, just as he is pure.~ 1 John 3:1-3

I'm Thankful for ________

I was 15 years old when I first went to China and realized all the many comforts with which I had been blessed and appreciated. Now, every year on facebook, people spend the days before thanksgiving counting their blessings 1-22 or 1-30. I've considered joining the ranks.. but I can't bring myself to it. I'm thankful, but I think I would be too hypocritical with it. Why spend 22 days thanking God on my status once a year and fill my status with complaints the other 343? Well.. I hope that no one could find a single complain on my status.. I strive not to openly complain about anything. But obvs I'm not perfect.

Anyways.. this morning at our Monday Morning prayer time with the Salt Company, my heart was just filled with joy because we were taking time to give thanks. And there were blessing being spoken of all around the room and it seemed a more happy place than usual. (Not that MMP is usually sad..it just seemed happier). I kept thinking of things for which I am thankful but of course there wasn't time to list them all. 

So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, here is my list (In no particular order) which will probably be much shorter than it should be:

1) Salvation, because my life would look drastically different without it.
2) The Gospel. It changed my life and it changes my life every day.
3) Joy. It is steady and constant and life giving.
4) Music.
5) Heat in my house. (Also my roommate's space heater)
6) A family that loves Jesus.
7) The most amazing community of believing friends.
8) Prayer. (Prayers for me, prayers for others.. praying in general.) God is so good
9) Healing. My heart has been in and out of a meat grinder the last 6 weeks.. but I am whole.
10) Laughter.
11) My friend Jessica. She is a champion prayer warrior with a life marked by grace and truth
12) My friend Amanda. She speaks words of wisdom and healing and displays love in all she does.
13) My friend Miranda. She prays wisdom and speaks truth with a gentle spirit.
14)My friend Rachel. She has been a huge blessing in my life since we were 2 and 3. She is constant. 
15) My Bible study girls. They are understanding and transparent and have beautiful hearts for Jesus.
16) My room. It is big and restful and one of my favorite places to meet with God.
17) Having a car. 
18) My Bible. I have two small ones.. one old and one new. God's word has been a joyful companion.
19) The Salt Company. I was lost and without fellowship until it came and planted my sophomore year.
20) Veritas Church. A source of truth and beautiful example of how the body of believers should be.
21) Shoes. I have boots and tennies and slippers and whatnot.. I am blessed.
22) Warm clothes.
23) My heat blanket.
24) The quilts on my bed. Every single one that I have was made specifically for me. I am loved.
25) Josh Wiemann, one of the best friends I've ever had and more than I could have hoped for in a bf.
26) The Hamlets (Friend's of Josh's little brother that I get to call friends as well) They bless me.
27) Almonds. I've probably eaten over 50lbs of them in the last 6 months...
28) Doctors
29) My hands. 
30) Believing classmates. We talk about Jesus and encourage each other in class and it's really great. 
31) Clean water. 
32) My bed.  
33) My pillows.
34) Pictures. So many captured memories. So much reminder of joy.
35) Trials...because without the hard times, I would not know this side of grace.
36) The Bridge of Storm Lake. It brought my heart to life and grew me in so many ways last summer.
37) Pine Lake Camp.The hardest thing I've ever been through but was so pivotal in my walk with God.
38) Celery. It is sweet and tasteful and filling all at once.
39) My discipleship group. They have seen me cry and have prayed for me and encouraged me.
40) Carrie Durmody. She has poured into me and helped me to see God and new ways.
41) Drew and Melissa Stevenson. They are amazing Salt leaders and their lives bless others.
42) Jess Hanson. Her words of truth bring healing and her laughter brings joy.
43) The campus ministries. This place would be so much more dark without them here. 
44) Kathy Mark. My first friend here at Iowa. Dinner with her in Hillcrest meant the world to me. 
45) My Great Grandpa Chet. His love for the Lord and his faithful prayer over my life is so huge.
46) My grandpa and grandma Kohl. Their love for me has grown my love for the Lord in big ways.
47) My Aunt Kysa. She quit her job to care for my siblings and I & was there for us in the hardest time.
48) My Gross cousins. Some of the best friends I could ever have in my life. Blessings in a big way.
49) My Kohl cousins. Best friends and fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. They encourage me.
50) Youtube. I've made many a good bond with friends and family whilst watching a clip.
51) Internet. 
52) My computer.
53) Handwritten letters.
54) My grandma's letters. She is also my most faithful Valentine.
55) The Petersons. They have been my other family forever and have been love and care in my life.
56) My little sister Eva. She has the biggest, sweetest servant heart in the world.
57) My eyesight.
58) My hearing.
59) Sleep. It's amazing how much sleep can do.
60) Color.
61) Cheese
62) Kit's back rubs
63) My prayer journal. Looking back and seeing Gods work is incredible.
64) Internet.
65) Grace tutoring me in research methods
66) The handful of classmates that I chat with in class
67) My sign Language classmates/friends
68) Chocolate
69) Ken's unfailing ability to make me laugh
70) Pearl's adventurous spirit that inspires me to take more risks
71) the warmth of the sun
72) My cell phone
73) texting
74) My toothbrush
75) Kurt's level head and sacrificial selflessness
76) Rose laughing at my ridiculous stories
77) Big couches. My freshman year, the only couch I experienced was at home on breaks.
78) Christmas lights.
79) Kolby always wanting to serve.
80) Kyle who sees everyone as a hero and welcomes us home with a big smile.
81) Quiet moments with God
82) Music.
83) running.
84) Walks
85) Loving conversation
86) Electricity
87) Home
88) Light
89) trees
90) Reading
91) Christmas music
92) Green grass
93) Not living in a dorm room
94) Breaks from class
95) Classmates who have my back
96) Facebook
97) Showers
98) Stars
99) Fan noises when falling asleep
100) People who make me laugh

Beauty in the Broken

"You look for a heart that's open, for beauty in the broken..so why am I withdrawn?"
I love Starfield. They have been one of my most favorite bands since 8th grade and there is much truth found in the lyrics of their songs. 
Last week as I shared the brokenness of my life with a friend whilst tears poured from my eyes for the thousandth time since all this started, I was sweetly encouraged to find promises from God and stand firmly upon them and cling to them if I must. 
Wisdom.
God promises so many things and He is so faithful to carryout what He has promised. There are so many verses in the Bible that are easy to passover simply because we have read them too many times. But when you look for the promise in them, look for the hope, you can see God in the pages.Two of my current favorite passages are these:

"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed."
2 Corinthians 4:8-9

"Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:17-18

These passages are so rich in promise and hope. And hard times are guaranteed. They're going to come. We're going to go through pain and suffering and difficulties and rough waters. But God is faithful. It will be temporary. It will produce an eternal weight of glory. We will not be crushed. We will not despair. We are not forsaken. We will not be destroyed. 

There is a deep, unshakable joy in that. And while in a trial, it does not seem possible for joy to exist at all, we know that with God, all things are possible. Even joy. 

I am thankful that God renews us day by day. A lot of days I come to the end of the day and feel like I can't do it anymore. I'm exhausted and it hurts too much. But that is when God reminds me, "close your eyes and walk by faith." And the next morning when I wake up and spend time with Him, I am given a new strength and a new hope and a fresh portion of joy to carry me through the day. 

And I am so blessed by the community that God has surrounded me with this semester. I am thankful for God has taught me the importance of being transparent and letting oneself cry in front of other people. I cannot even begin to describe how thankful I am for the many friends that have prayed over me and spoke truth and wisdom and words of healing into my life and my heart. I have been overwhelmingly loved and cared for and looked after and I know that God is at work in all of it. I am loved much.

My prayer now is that the trials that I'm growing through to bring about the beauty of God in my life. Yes, I want to be beautiful. I want my life to be marked by the beauty described in 1 Peter 3. I want for my brokenness to reveal my beauty and for my brokenness to perfect it. Because, it can only come from God. The only form of beauty that I could ever claim to possess is God. 

So when I am broken, may Christ be revealed. In that, there is beauty in the broken. 

We Walk By Faith

As much as I would love to spend 2 hours writing and perfecting a well thought out blog post, I don't have the time today. But I do want to share some of the nuggets of life that God has blessed me with as I continue to walk through my time of pain and emptiness. 

This morning, as with most other mornings, I could not sleep past 6:30am and, as it was, I had an extra hour anyways and thus decided that the Lord was inviting me into His presence and that is a more restful place than my bed anyhow.
As I sat with my Bible and prayer journal and once again poured out my heart and waited for healing and hope and peace and joy, I reflected much on God's plan. A promise. A promise of a plan that He has for me and it is a plan to prosper me and not to harm me. A plan for a hope and a future. Sometimes...most times, it's hard to see that hope. It's hard to know that hope exists. Especially now, I don't see it. 

But God gave me the most beautiful treasure this morning. As I sat and pondered, I began to pray out loud.. which I don't do especially often when I'm by myself. Typically I just write in my prayer journal, but there is something to be said about God feeling more present when you talk to Him out loud. Anyways, as my eyes were shut, God took me into his arms and gave me a picture of what He was doing.

I saw myself on a very narrow path in a very dark valley. There were demons on all sides of the path packed rows and rows back all grabbing at me and trying to pull at me and tear me down. But as I walked, there was God. He was walking in front of me but walking backwards so He could face me and take both my hands in His and pull me along. And there was light where He was and the demons could not reach Him.. they could not reach us. And then there was fog. An awful dark mist over everything so that i could hardly see anything, I could hardly see God. And I was afraid because I couldn't see where I was going. But, that is when God spoke to me and said, "shut your eyes, Fern, walk by faith and not by sight. Trust me." And in my vision, I did. When I shut my eyes, all I could feel was Gods hands pulling mine along and the path was solid under my feet and I knew I was safe. 

As I was rethinking that vision just now, a line from a verse I memorized forever ago ran through my head, "But we are hard pressed on every side but not crush.... not abandoned." And I have peace. I think my heart will hurt for a while yet, but I have peace. I know God is doing something great in my life. I know God is going to make something beautiful out of me. I know God has a crazy beautiful plan that I cannot comprehend and or even imagine. But I know I am loved. I am precious. I am treasured. And I am going to make it out someday. 

But for now, I cannot see the hope. I cannot see the plan. I cannot see the future. I cannot always see God. But when I shut my eyes, I feel it. I feel my hope. I feel God. And so, I walk by faith. 

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;  persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.  We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.  For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body.  So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. 2 Cor. 4:7-12