The Most Important Decision

I'm still waiting. Waiting for the Lord to scoop me out of my valley and heal the brokenness that fills my heart. Sometimes I feel like I've been waiting forever and sometimes I feel that the time has passed quickly and I remember I've been broken for a lot longer than I've wanted to be. 
Today is just one of those days where all you can do is surrender because..what else? Nothing. I was in a hurry today and left the house this morning without eating breakfast but managed to throw the last half of a bag of almonds in my bag to eat later. I also left without my meal card which is a bummer because I had it set so today I could grab lunch without it being rushed at all. So, I find myself with ample time before my 4 minute presentation that will give me ample time before my following class.By ample I mean: more than 20 minutes. Time enough to breathe but not enough to run home and grab food.

I think I'm excited for my ASL presentation. I'm nervous too, though. I usually don't get nervous for presentations any more, but today's topic is "An important, life-changing decision." We could have picked anything: choosing majors, choosing a college, etc. I didn't think those were exactly life-changing decisions for me. I thought and thought about what to present and all I could come up with was the time I let God come into the dark places of my heart and make me a new person. I'm happy to share this decision, but nervous. Yesterday we did practices with the class and I warned my signing partners that they might find my story weird. To my pleasent surprise, they all listened..er..watched..intently and all responded saying it was a good story, a good decision. I was encouraged... I *am* encouraged. 

But I am still in my dark valley. But, that important decision that I made back in high school at the age of 16 is still the most important decision I make everyday. As time continues to pass and the brokenness stays with me, I choose Jesus and comfort stays just as much as the brokenness. It really is confusing how one can feel so loved by God and close to God and surrendered to God and still be broken. Humbling too. I ask God often what more I need to do and He responds, "Wait." Sometimes I don't know if I'm broken because of my circumstances or if I'm broken because I am waiting. But I suppose one would need an accurate description of what broken means. For me, it is simply a constant state of a loss of hope. But, my decision is Christ. I choose to trust even in the darkness. For I am convinced that somewhere at the end of it, God will take the blindfold off and there will be for me a great surprise that will fill me with joy. And even though I'm stubbing my toes trying to find my way with a blindfold on, I will come to place of rest and I will one day be whole.


But until then, I will make the decision of trust. And it is the most important decision I will ever make.