And when he tests me, I will come out as pure as gold.

As I wrote earlier, I've quite entered into a dark time in my walk with the Lord. Not that I feel the Lord has left me, quite the opposite actually. But a dark cloud of pain and sadness has come over me and as much as I beg relief, my savior continues to tell me to wait and trust. 

Last night I left to spend time with a dear friend of mine who has shared many a pain from her own heart with me and I knew it would be good just to get out and not let myself be ruled by the depression I seem to find myself battling. It was good to just share with her the things that have been weighing heavy on my heart and how the uncertainty of my future has cause me to plummet into a dark hole. 
During our conversation she opened her daily devotional and said, "can I read this to you? I don't know what it says yet, but I prayed that today's devotion would apply." 
What she then read was perfect. It was all about trusting God with your future and knowing that He has a plan. There was so much encouragement in those words...it was a God moment. I would say one of my biggest struggles in this war with darkness is feeling loved. I know I'm loved. I  *know* it. But I still question my worth sometimes. (A lot of times.) I often find myself working to earn favor from people and from God. I've somehow convinced myself everything is conditional and if I am not _____ I am not worth loving. 

Upon arriving home and seeing my own Beside Blessings devotional by Charles Swindoll sitting on my nightstand I decided to see if God had any words for me in that one too. He sure did!

To love and be loved is the bedrock of our existence. 
But love must also flex and adapt. Rigid love is not true love. 
It is a veiled manipulation, a conditional time bomb that
explodes when frustrated. Genuine love willingly waits!
It isn't pushy or demanding. While it has its limits, its
boundaries are far-reaching. It neither clutches nor
clings. Real love is not shortsighted, selfish, or
insensitive. It detects needs and does what is best
for the other person without being told. 

The last few nights I've been praying before drifting off that God would come meet me in my dreams. He has. I've slept soundly and while most of the time I do not remember my dreams, I've woken up remembering being told I was loved and that I needed to wait and trust. So last night after reading these words I slept soundly and awoke asking the Lord for more words of encouragement. What He gave to me were these:

We know the sovereign Potter is working with us as He pleases.
He is the Potter, we are the clay. He is the one who gives
the commands; we are the ones who obey. He never has to
explain Himself; He never has to ask permission. He is 
shaping us over into the image of His Son, regardless of the
pain and heartache that may require. Those lessons are
learned a little easier when we remember that we are not 
in charge, He is. 

I keep asking the Father what part of me is so stubborn that all this shaping is causing so much pain. But I am learning that I've had my fingers wrapped tightly around my own hopes and dreams for sometime now. I've been praying that God would bless what I'm doing and He is prying my fingers off and telling me to do what He's blessing. It's not an easy lesson. Typically surrender comes after exhausting oneself in battle first. No one goes out and raises their white flag first thing. The white flag usually comes after the grass has been burned, bodies have been dropped, and one side has no other option than to give up. I hate to think that I have gone to war with my savior's will. But perhaps, somewhere along the way, I did. 
It begs the questions though, all those times that David was crying out, "How long, O Lord, before you hear my cry for help? How long, O Lord before you save me?" for all those times, how many times do you suppose God as responding with, "How long, David, before you trust me? How many bodies before you surrender? How much heartache before you let go? How long?" And perhaps that is His response to us. 
"How much pain will you allow yourself in holding onto your own dashed hopes and dreams, Fern, before you let go and let me do something more amazing with your life? How many things must I pry from your hands before you surrender?" Well, I guess it's easier to throw your hands up in the air when your arms are empty. 

And that is where I am.  Empty. Empty of everything I have tried to fill my heart with for a long time. Perhaps it has been years that I have been striving towards dreams and goals that seem to be fading quickly. But, there is room for God. And perhaps it is a Job moment where everything is taken away and then blessed twice over. But that is for God to decide. All I know is that at the end of the day, I want to be able to say, " And when he tests me, I will come out as pure as gold"


“But he knows where I am going.
    And when he tests me, I will come out as pure as gold.
¹¹ For I have stayed on God’s paths;
    I have followed his ways and not turned aside.
¹² I have not departed from his commands,
    but have treasured his words more than daily food.
¹³ But once he has made his decision, who can change his mind?
    Whatever he wants to do, he does.
¹⁴ So he will do to me whatever he has planned.
    He controls my destiny.
¹⁵ No wonder I am so terrified in his presence.
    When I think of it, terror grips me.
¹⁶ God has made me sick at heart;
    the Almighty has terrified me.
¹⁷ Darkness is all around me;
    thick, impenetrable darkness is everywhere." Job 23:10-17


Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful