Some days I'm amazed I still have a head. Sometimes I wonder if I actually do.
I think today is the former, which makes the idea of hacking it off with a large knife somewhat tempting. It's not that anything is particularly wrong or upsetting, but the feelings of being overwhelmed, stressed, and burning out my last fumes is starting to weigh in to me.
The stress is because of the time crunch for moving is finally closing in. I've wanted this move for a while. I've been dreaming of how I would arrange furniture and decorate walls and re-invent my quiet time corner in a new location where I'd be surrounded by my closest friends and only two or three blocks from my sister and more of my close friends.
I'm realizing I'm not very good at being content with my present circumstances. When talking to the Lord about my ideal summer job, I said nanny. And I love my job as a nanny. But the hard parts like settling disputes, investigating crime scenes, confiscating electronics, and deciding what battles to fight and what ones to let go can be a little wearing when you're only getting 5 hours of sleep at best.
I love my kids. I really do.
But on the days I catch myself being excited for classes to start again, I have to catch myself and find the things I'm truly thankful for in order to be content now. Of course when classes start I will immediately hate my homework and loathe the bus schedule and dream excitedly for my graduation.
Content. Satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting anything more or anything else.
That's what I need. Peace if part of the fruit of the spirit, so if I'm lacking in that, I'm lacking in a lot more places. Patience? Yep. Kindness? Probably. Goodness? Definitely.
Yesterday I did so much running around that my head was still spinning when I finally shut my light off at 11:15. I'd waken up shortly before 5am and left my house @6.
There were piano lessons to chauffeur people to and things to be picked up inbetween. We spent a little time at Pet Land and then there were swim lessons, children to return to their prospective homes and impromptu gas station exploring whilst waiting to pick the last kid up and head home.
Upon my return home, I had about 6 minutes to change, eat some green beans, take a phone call, exchange quick words and plans with my roommate before snatching up my keys one more and picking friends up for Salt
Salt finished at 8:30 I think and then it was driving people home, taking a friend to North Lib to pick up her car from an auto shop and then driving back to Iowa City to pick up a friend for a late supper. It was close to 9:45 before we got our food and chatted for 30 minutes before returning him to his place and me to mine.
It was then 10:30 when I walked through my front door again, exchanged some words with my roommate and headed to my room to accomplish some things before making attempts at a few hours of sleep before I got up at 5 once again for another full day.
Even as I sit here, I'm contemplating a potential all-nighter of packing (I always say that, but of course there is almost nothing in the world worth giving up a whole night's sleep for) in attempts to have everything in order by Monday morning, especially given that I'm working Saturday and Sunday.
I'm a procrastinator. I bring it on myself everytime the stress sets in and I deserve no ones sympathy.
I have my reasons for disliking the moving process, this one in particular. I'm excited for the end result, but nothing about getting to it brings me any sense of joy at this point.
I do, however, get a sense of satisfaction when all is loaded up and a chapter closes and everything is literally put behind you.
In the mean time, the Lord keeps putting His hand on my shoulder saying "Just wait.. Just one moment. Don't rush, don't run, don't hide. "
So, I'm trying to be still before the Lord. Er... I mean, I've thought about trying to be still before the Lord. My attempts are more frequent than my success. I think after I move I need to devote a day or so to that.
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