Senior Year in Review

It's the last week of classes here at the wonderful U of I. Looking back to a year ago this time, it's crazy to think how drastically different my life is and how incredibly much The Lord has taken me through this year. In one year. Man! If anyone would have ever told me how things would look coming out of my senior year I think I would have punched them in the arm and denied it with everything in me. I don't think I could have ever imagined in my head that I would be here and that I would be happy at the same time. 

As it is, though, I am happy. :) I am happy and I am blessed. And in this last year, I have experienced love and grace and truth and healing in depths of ways I can't even begin to comprehend. I don't think I could comprehend the depth of pain my heart went through either, but it was as if God gouged a deep hole in my heart so that he might fill it more fully with himself. It's beautiful and awful at the same time. While I so loved experiencing how deep the Fathers love for me is, I don't think I ever want to be in such a dark, painful, broken place ever again. I'm sure I will, though. After all, I am only 21 and I'm sure most of life's pain and trials are still to come yet. 

But looking back on the last 12 months, I have never felt more loved and pursued by my heavenly Father as I have this year. A year ago I was stuck in this passive, numb, foggy spiritual state. I had the most wonderful dream of a summer of my life working at The Bridge and the Lord taught me much about loving His children and His people and His body. I came away from my summer just so in love with the Lord and ready to spend my semester in love and filled with joy and on fire. That's not how God works. The Lord gave me such a blessing of a summer that acted as a life preserver as I then entered into the longest storm and darkness of my faith thus far. And while it is a time marked by deep pain and much sadness, it is a time marked also by God's love and faithfulness and healing and protection and planning. More than anything I look back and see God. I love that. I love how God saw me as so valuable that He went so far as to walk me through 8 months of darkness and brokenness and never left me the whole time. I think sometimes it's easy for me to think that He multitasks...like He runs around helping people when they need. As if He had to balance His time, being with us for hard times and running off to help the next person. Or one who checks in on us on occasion and makes sure we're handling things okay. 

It's quite the revelation to realize that I am so valuable and so worth His time that He never leaves. Isn't that amazing? Especially since I have come to believe that my personality is quite overwhelming to most people and it's not often that anyone beyond family and a few gifted friends bother to stick around for too long. Perhaps it was the fact that the darkest part of my trials was caused by the pain of someone leaving. I think I find myself being able to relate to the lady who was brought by the crowd to Jesus for having committed the  crime of adultery and the people wanted her stoned. Jesus asked the one who is perfect to throw the first stone and one by one the crowd went away. 

But not Jesus. He stayed. It was just him and the lady and when He asked her if there was no one to condemn her and she said that there wasn't, he responded with, "nor I." I think there is a lot more said in that statement than what is seen on paper. I can imagine her staring at the ground the whole time, not making eye contact with anyone, and as the crowd leaves and she realizes she is alone with the only man qualified to stone her to death, she must have been terrified as she lifted her gaze to make eye contact with him. I'm sure her eyes were questioning what He was going to do...if he was about to stone her to death like her life deserved. I think, I'm quite like her. As I make my mistakes and fall short on a regular basis, and people leave and Satan whispers his accusations in my ear, I slowly look up to make eye contact with Jesus, wondering if I've gone far enough that He will stone me to death like my life deserves. 

He never has. When it all comes down to it, it's just me and Jesus standing there. Several months back when I realized that I would be left by the person I trusted the most, I think I expected that Jesus would too. Or that Jesus had already left and that is why everything was falling apart. But I looked up, and there He was. And his response was, "I'm not leaving. I will never leave you or forsake you. I'll always be right here." And so He stayed. And stays. And I am loved. 

The Lord has grown my heart in big ways this year. My comprehension of His loved has improved only in the slightest tiniest ways, but I think if I could fully comprehend it, my heart would burst and I'd fall down dead at the greatness of it. I am overwhelmed by the taste of his love. 

I'm SO thankful for all the Lord has brought me through this year. Through joy and pain, dark and light, winter and spring.. I am thankful for it all! Not that I loved all of it, but I know I am loved by it. 
I like being loved. I like knowing I am loved. There is freedom in love because love casts out fear.

Knowing that I am loved makes me free to love others and casts out the fear of not being loved in return.
Knowing I am loved casts out the fear of not performing well enough. 
Knowing I am loved casts out the fear of not being worth it. 
Knowing I am loved casts out the fear of being too much. 
Knowing I am loved casts out the fear of being rejected and left.
Knowing I am loved casts out the fear of failure.
Knowing I am loved casts out the fear of being alone. 

I feel as though God used this year to reach deep into my inner-workings and deepest places to clean up seemingly minor details and dispel deep insecurities. I think I shall always have little insecurities throughout my life, but I shall only notice them when my eyes are not fully fixed on the Lord. Ignorance is bliss, right?

:) It's been a great year. I am so overjoyed and thankful and satisfied. Content might even be the best word. And maybe even the most content I've found myself to be. :) Praise the Lord for his faithfulness!!