At Rest

Tomorrow starts the Spring semester. While past years it has seemed like break was way too long and I was bored and more than ready to jump into a routine again, I dread classes starting again. 
In the mean time, I rest. I have so enjoyed these past 5 weeks of rest. I have felt so incredibly loved by God in how He has carried me through hurricanes of pain and trials of darkness. 

I think the darkness is gone now. For a time anyways, I don't think the darkness will ever truly leave until I come face to face with my precious savior. I look forward to that day very much. Even more I have to realize that this world is not my home. My heart was not made for this place..it's far too broken and painful for it to be a place of permanence. Much like the places I've lived with poor management and landlords who were slow to fix with the problems and I looked forward to moving to the next place, I'm quite excited for the place in heaven that my Jesus has gone to prepare for me. 

He says there is no more pain there. No more weeping, or brokenness, or darkness. He waits for me there and I am anxious to run into His arms and hear the words, "Welcome home, Fern."
Not that I wish I was dead. I don't. I'm not suicidal or depressed, but I'm done with pain. I'm sure I have years and years more of it ahead of me, but I'm not excited for it. 
Some days trusting Jesus with my heart is so difficult because His heart is my heart and His heart is broken more often than mine. I'm sure He looks forward to the day when the pain ends as well. 

Whilst sitting in the presence of the Lord earlier my heart began to hurt and as I prayed for God to hold me up I saw a picture of him holding my heart in his hand and my heart was clay. He began to take pieces of His heart (as if it, too, were clay) and place them over the broken places of my heart to patch it up and make it whole again. How loved I am that He sacrifices himself and takes on brokenness for my wholeness. 

I recently came across a verse in 1 John that says, "This is how we know we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence," (1 John 3:19). I like that. I am, indeed, most at rest in His presence. I am most whole in His presence.