“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
When I was in middle school there was this wonderful band that wrote a song called "Get Down" that contained these lyrics:
I'm sure you've had a day like me
Where nothing seems to set you free
From the burdens you can't carry all alone
In your weakness He is stronger
In Your darkness He shines through
When you're crying He's your comfort
When your all alone, He's carrying you
Yesterday was that day for me. My day started out bad. I had prepared myself to leave my apt on time to walk leisurely to my bus stop and not be rushed. As it happened I could not find my apartment key anywhere and missed my bus in my efforts to search for the key. I ended up just leaving with out it and speed walking my fastest, arriving to class right on time but completely sweaty and exhausted. Defeated.
My next moment of defeat was lunch. I eat my lunch every Tuesday with two very negative people and one kind and encouraging person. While my kind person was busy reading something the negative people decided was the best time to attack. They made some really sharp comments that made me consider death as a sweeter alternative to our lunchtime. Defeated.
As I walked away from lunch I got a call from my sister saying that she didn't wanna give me a car to go home on Thursday on the chance that she might be able to go home the weekend after Thanksgiving. (I've been so home sick lately that the thought of home has brought me to tears on multiple occasions) The thought of having to wait to go home, cancel my plans to be poured into and encouraged just destroyed me. Defeated.
After that conversation, I went to my worst class. This class is HEL. And it's hell. History of the English Language. I'm not an English person. It's a linguistics class. I don't understand it and it's kickin' my butt. One of my negative lunch people is in this class and is quite proud of the fact that getting 100% or more on a test is no big and has reminded me several times that I'm clearly a lesser person for not being able to obtain the same grades. We got our grades back on our last test and I missed the 'B' by 1/2 a point. Defeated.
I am not a suicidal person, but there are days when I wonder.. why? Why life?
Perhaps even Jesus had days where he looked forward to the cross. If I were Jesus, I feel like I would a little bit.
There are days where I just want to give up. Throw in the towel, if you will. I've been ravished by the wolves long enough.
So last night after being defeated, demoralized, and destroyed, I cried for a very long time. Sometimes I just really like crying. When your heart is just raw and exposed and looks like it went through a meat grinder and there's nothing to be done to restore it, crying just works wonders. Of course God was whispering all the while, "Don't be defeated. Take heart, I have overcome"
Along with replaying my favorite David Crowder song, SMS(Shine) The lyrics
Shine Your light so I can see You
Pull me up, I need to be near You
Hold me, I need to feel loved
Can You overcome this heart that's overcome?.....
Love has come, what joy to hear it
He has overcome, He has overcome
In the midst of being completely defeated, God still comforted. I like that. I just wish He would reach down and fix all of it. I suppose if God removed all the mean people from my life I wouldn't get experience the super-natural power of forgiveness. If God gave me good grades I wouldn't know humility.
Alllll these things God does to get our attention.
Before last night, I don't remember the last time I was hearing God's voice speaking to me. When I'm most vulnerable, I hear Him best. But it stink that it takes such a hellish day to get to that point though. But His goodness always tastes better after a round of horribleness.
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