Camp is for the Campers

Camp is seriously the most difficult time I've ever experienced I feel like. It is physically, emotionally, and (if this makes sense) Spiritually draining to me.

The lack of sleep is one of the hardest things. But, also, after living at college and in a more mature environment, it's so very difficult for me to work with the staff here

because I am older than all but 5 (out of 30) and their maturity is seriously leaving something to be desired. I think Kyle and Kolby can display better attitudes and more respect for authority than a lot of my co-workers. That is just really difficult. Also.. "camp is for the campers". We get saturdays off and that is the only time. The rest of our lives revolve around the campers. We are to be completely focused on making camp fun for the campers and a good experience that I feel like my relationship with Christ has to be

placed on the back burner until camp ends. And recharge on Saturdays is really difficult because it's really hard to get to a place where I wouldn't be around people. 

The only solution for getting away from people to recharge and get one-on-one time with God is to skip church in the morning. My only worry is that other people will catch on and start skipping

church to "get away" also and then I wouldn't be getting away because they'd be copying and following me around. People do that.. follow me. Especially the highschool girls. I don't understand it. 

Also..I feel like Bible camp is a wonderful environment for wearing a mask and looking happy happy joy joy with Jesus all the time because camp is for the campers. Campers need to see the good side of a relationship with Christ. We can't be sad or unjoyful or discouraged in front of them. If we were.. they might not find a relationship with Christ attractive. That would be a bummer. Sooooooooooooo I've come to dislike myself. Quite a bit. 

It's not at all like me to wear a mask. I want to be transparent. I want to be honest.  I hate masks. But! Also.. if I was transparent.. I would have to become legit friends with my fellow staff. I can't bring myself to that. I know what ever friendships I develop here for a summer are not going to last really beyond this summer. It's really hard for me to try to maintain a relationship with people I will only know for 7 weeks. That sounds mean. But... after working at friendships for my entire freshman year and thinking they were legit and then spending a summer apart and coming back to them and finding they really weren't legit, I'm not about to invest a whole lot into these summer ones. I like the staff. I like the people. We can be friends. But they won't have a huge part of my heart because I don't trust it in their hands. 

But that leaves me longing for my real friends. For my family. For fellowship with real, transparent, Spiritually mature, level-headed people. I'm done with boy-crazy girls. I'm done with complaining. I'm done with not sleeping. Im done with putting God on the back burner. But... I have to put up with it for 3 more weeks. I just want to go home. I want time with me and Jesus and no one else.