Jealous Much?

It has been 2 weeks since Spring break and I've struggled a little bit in feeling like I did anything purposeful over break. I suppose it is the time of year to be restless and antsy with Spring fever and all, but I've been restless with being comfortable. Too comfortable. 

I spent my Spring break at home in good ol' Storm Lake, Iowa where nothing much happens out of the ordinary. I volunteered a little tiny bit with a local ministry that reaches out to the nations that have made their home in Storm Lake. While I enjoyed my time serving very much, it was difficult for me to return to school feeling like I'd done anything significant. While I was home enjoying my comforts and serving a little, my younger brother was on a medical missions trip to South America living in poor and uncomfortable conditions loving God's children and he came home full of joy. A joy that I wanted. 

I semi-regretted not returning to Brazil and going to serve at the orphanage again. But I kept reminding myself how sad and lonely I was on that trip. 

I had come back from Brazil empty to the max with out any joy to report or great stories to tell. I had gone to a poor country, worked to help around the lar and had made a miserable climb up a mountain.  Why would I go through that again? 

Last night, this year's Brazil team stood on the stage and shared how their trip went. It was so difficult for me to not be jealous of them.. in fact.. I am. I listened to girls share how they were given the chance to open their Bible's everyday and get in the word. I keep  searching my memory and I cannot remember being given the chance to have my own quiet time when I was there. In fact, I remember more than anything how much I missed God on that trip. We opened the Bible sometimes, I remember that. At least, our leader opened *his* Bible and read stuff to us sometimes, and we attended some Bible studies and so we saw the Brazilians open *their* Bibles... but I don't remember opening mine, which rather disturbs me. 

Honestly, lately, I've quite struggled with questioning my significance as a Christian. How much I've done and if I'm really worth all that much on the battle field. I don't have much of an answer for that. I know God uses me sometimes with some people, but overall I'm just not sure. I guess I've just come to this sickening reality I have not been a blessing to the people and places I have gone to serve. I have not been significant at all. I served in Brazil and had no joy and did not feel like I actually did anything for God's kingdom. I spent a summer as a camp counselor and had no joy and did not feel like I did anything for God's kingdom either. Currently I am a Bible study leader and I do have joy, but I don't really feel like I'm doing much for God's kingdom. Spring break I helped sort food and teach ESL classes and do office work and while I had joy, I did not feel significant. This summer I will be out on the mission field again, working with children and doing whatever, and I'm not sure that I will be doing anything significant. I just don't know.  

And I know it's not about how I feel and all that because God uses us even when we don't know it... but personally, I'd like to feel it at some point. And sometimes... I do. But lately, I haven't. I mean, sometimes I remember stuff I did in high school where I *knew* God was using me. I know I did stuff important and impacting in high school when I shared the gospel, when I prayed with people to accept Christ, when I served homeless people and brought people to church. I just wish I could have that now, when I'm in college. I wish when I did stuff that was supposed to be important, I would feel like I actually did something, I wish I'd feel closer to Jesus when I did it. 

Last night I hear this question asked, "Are you walking close enough with Jesus that you have something to report?"

Well, I thought I was walking close to Jesus, but I don't think I have anything to report so now I feel like I'm not walking close to Jesus at all. I wish I felt like I was walking close to Jesus. I miss desiring to wake up early to spend time with Him. I miss the feeling of being in love with Him. I miss the feeling of so absolute joy that no trial looked like it could ever be too dark or too scary to discourage me. I miss the confidence in knowing my God can do absolutely everything and there's no miracle I could ask for that He wasn't capable of making happen if He so desired. 

I miss all that. 

Spring it On

In the days before Spring Break, my roommate and I found ourselves to be warn out and exhausted and more than ready to take a week off and rest before returning to school. The hard part about that for us is that, as Bible study leaders, we have to keep going to the end. We can't excuse apathy or laziness with exhaustion and fatigue. But! We can be creative! So, while we were still anticipating Spring Break, my brilliant roommate had the idea to have a painting night with our Bible study. 

It was both relaxing and fun! We were able to talk and encourage one another while taking a moment to let the Peace of God rule in our hearts.  

Can you tell she's an art major? :) She made a painting of the stars with the verse that says "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest" :) Beautiful!

 This is my dear friend Paige. Isn't she beautiful??

 I have no artistic abilities or talent, but I attempted to paint how I feel a lot of the times. On my knees before Jesus in the safety of His light while the world is crazy around me. 

Miranda Rights!! I love this girl. She is goofy and beautiful and wonderful. If you've never met her.... that's a bummer because she is super great. :)

The Right Color Paint

In Sunday School this past sunday, the teacher described our faith as being like a can of paint. He challenged the class asking, "What is keeping us from taking the lid off of our paint cans and painting a beautiful picture around us?" Some responded with 'apathy' or 'laziness' and 'business.' None of those seemed like an excuse I could make and so I raised my timid little hand and offered that in college it's not easy to get out your paint can because my paint might be the wrong color and offend someone else. For me, I'm afraid that people don't want to see my paint and I don't want to stir up trouble by painting the wrong thing or with the wrong color. I told them it was easy for me to 'paint' around my apartment or the ministry I attend and around my other believing friends, but more often than not, my tendency in my classes around classmates and professors, I keep the lid on my can of faith and attempt to shine through my personality and words of encouragement. 
The Sunday school teacher offered back his encouragement and challenged me to try to take the lid off my paint can at the next opportunity. Little did I know that opportunity would come so soon.. 


In the 5 minutes before my Intro to Social Work class started, I sat next to my classmate listening to him tell me how he had come to want to be a social worker. He shared of finding good ideas in Buddhist ideology and then how he had come through a dark time in my life. All the while I was thinking, "Man, it'd be so cool if this kid knew Jesus." When he finished sharing all that, he turned to me and asked, "So what's your story?"


I was a little caught off guard by that, my usual strategy is to keep asking questions and keep the other person talking so I don't have to contribute much on myself, lest my Christianity come out and scare off my classmates. I hesitated as I started to share,
 "uhmm.. I was home schooled.."  
"You already told me that."
"Oh right. Uhm, well, I started out as a teacher and then I worked at a camp for a summer and realized I couldn't be an authoritative person all the time and I heard 'social work' while riding a bus and decided that's what I wanted to be." 
"That's it?"
It was at that moment that I realized I was trying to keep the lid on my paint can and that I couldn't really share my story without talking about Jesus and really what I was doing was stalling for time so that class would start. It seemed the lid on my paint can was a little bit stuck as it hadn't been opened for a while...


"Oh! Well, I guess a big part of my story would be when I was in highschool, like freshman/sophomore year I was at a really dark place in my life and without hope and then a friend of mine invited me to go volunteer at a homeless shelter in Omaha and I found a lot of joy in serving people and it really brought hope into my life again." 


I winced as realized I was still editing out the most important, significant parts of my story and the clock was ticking and my time was running out. But he'd already told me he was into Buddhism so whyyyy would he even want to know about Christianity?


"Oh yeah, there's a real satisfaction in serving others. So just serving brought you out of that dark time?"


"No.. My religion played a huge part in that too.. just finding a relationship with God was so satisfying and such a joyful thing that now I just want to serve others and pour out His love on people"


I think I might have been holding my breath as I waited for his response.. waiting for the conversation to get awkward, waiting for the eye contact to drop away, waiting for the quick change in subject...


"oh yeah! I believe faith is so important for anything anyone does! I'm glad you have that."


And with that the professor started speaking. To be honest, I think I'm still trying to process the whole conversation. My classmate's last line before class started still blows my mind and I feel ashamed that I hadn't taken the opportunity sooner. I don't think there is any way to predict how someone will react. It's funny how quick Jesus is to act on our requests. Last week I was praying for Jesus to make me a more beautiful person on the inside. I have never had acne before and my complexion is usually pretty clear, not perfect, but okay. Last week I had thee worst blemishes and breakouts all over my face. Jesus likes to test if we're legit when we're asking for stuff. When I asked Jesus to help me paint in my classrooms, I didn't expect he'd start prying the lid off my can within the first 2 days back on campus. 
And I know the tests will keep coming. They will come as long as I pursue Jesus. But the best part is, in spite of these crazy things that seem out of the ordinary for me.. and a little out of my comfort zone, I have joy. I am happy. I feel alive. I'm excited to keep pursuing this adventure with Jesus. :D

Happy My Half Birthday! (3/14/12)

My title might sound a little egocentric, but everyone else is celebrating Pi day. I am very poor at math and never much enjoyed the subject and so I don't feel like celebrating 3.14 seeing as any math problem involving Pi tended to trip me up. :D


I am currently enjoying my half birthday at home on Spring Break in good ol' Storm Lake, Iowa where the weather is a nice 75 degrees. Not bad for March! My Spring Break has been an adventure so far!


My dear sweet friend Miranda came to visit for a couple days and together we got to help with food packing/distribution, ESL classes, and we even managed to get mixed up in dafodil delivery (long story).

Forgiven, Loved, Fought for :)

I don't even know where to start. This past weekend I attended a retreat with the Salt Company and I am in awe of what God did this weekend. 


Going into this retreat I was feeling pretty distant and numb. I just haven't felt the Holy Spirit for a while and that has been really hard. I've really struggled with apathy in my walk because while I've felt distant, I haven't gone out of my way to seek the Lord either. 
The Friday of the retreat it snowed a great deal during the day and so of course I was a little stressed about the drive to Des Moines. By the time we left Iowa City, however, the snow had moved on and the roads were clear and so my travel buddies and I figured it would be all smooth sailing and an uneventful road trip. Unfortunately, this was not the case. Half an hour into our drive on I80 we encountered major traffic backup as a semi had jack-knifed and brought us all to a stand still. Of course we eventually reached the hotel safe and sound, but I was exhausted even before the retreat officially started. 


As worship started that first night, there was nothing I wanted more than to connect to God. I wish I could say it was instantaneous or that I was just immediately drawn into the presence of God.  But that was not the case. I found my thoughts wondering and then I would remind myself to take every thought captive. As the first session started I submitted myself to the teaching and took notes and did not let me thoughts stray, but I still did not feel connected, emotionally or spiritually. My roommate/co-Bible study leader and I got to co-lead a connection group set up at the retreat that consisted of girls from our Bible study along with some girls from other groups. Our discussion went well but it did not draw out any emotion or deep thoughts and I continued in my struggle to feel close to God. I did not feel completely disconnected.. I felt like God was near by but my heart had some sort of layer of dry mud on it that prevented his love and mercy from reaching me and awakening my exhausted and burdened heart. 


Even though I felt emotionally disconnected, I had joy. I'm very thankful for that. I felt God near and I knew that God planned to remove whatever it was that was not letting me feel His touch. 
That first night's activities ended at 12am and, thankfully, all my hotel roommates saw that as a good time to go to sleep. It was just a sweet time to be in a room full of believing women all wanting to feel close to Jesus and to encourage one another and strengthen each other in their walk. Every moment since the start of the retreat was like water on a parched tongue..sweet and refreshing. I slept sweetly as I anticipated the great things I knew Jesus was planning for the next day. 


Yesterday (Saturday) as our days started and before we attended break out sessions, we were given a window of time to just spend with Jesus and try to connect with Him.  It was just a good time to sit down and tell God how much I longed to feel Him close to me. I just kept asking Him to come close and breathe life back into my heart.  I'm *so* pleased to tell you that God hears prayers : ) At that very moment I felt God go to work scraping off that dry layer of mud caked on my heart. 


There is way too much to sum up in a blog, but last night at the evening session, God and his angels went to war. The speaker gave a really powerful message and somewhere in the middle of it God finished scraping off the mud and it was as if He whispered in my ear, "It is finished." My heart felt alive again and that incredible message was followed by an incredible worship time. So many people were falling in love with Jesus and having their lives restored and finding forgiveness and love as God so greatly desired. The enemy, however, was not pleased with this. 


I'm always amazed when Satan can stand be in a room of people praising Jesus with everything they have.. much less bring an army in there and wage war on believers. As my girls and I discussed what we'd experienced in the session back in our room later there was so much evidence of the spiritual warfare that had taken place over our heads and all around us. Several of the girls, including myself, testified to having up and down moments with Jesus. There would be times when we felt SO close to God and in His presence and full of joy and the next moment the feeling would be God. I remember in one of those moments I asked God, "where'd you go? Why are you leaving?" and then I felt close to God again. 
A couple of us felt our arms become heavy when lifting our hands in praise and both my roommate and I's left shoulder literally popped. (Why the left side? idk). There were moments when we felt so right in lifting our hands to praise the Father and then moments when we felt wretched and unworthy.  There would be thoughts of stresses put in our minds and thoughts of the homework that awaited us when we left. The enemy did everything he could to take our minds of worshiping Jesus. There was just so much stuff going on. Fortunately, our God fights for us, and also.. Satan didn't bring in enough forces and not everyone suffered the attacks. Also! God won! We all came away from that SO in love with Jesus and united with Him. Praise the LORD!! 


As we all sat there and recounted our night and shared about the spiritual warfare and the attacks, one of my sweet bible study girls and dear friends suggested we find some scripture to read over us and claim as a truth in our lives. : ) I just smile as I remember how my mom made me memorize those Who I am in Christ verses. (Thanks again). As I shuffled through the verses in my head I was able to recall one passage that always made me feel powerful when I spoke it out loud. 


*I am free from condemnation brought against me and cannot be separated from the love of God*


Romans 8:31-39


"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?  He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?  Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?  As it is written:
   “For your sake we face death all day long;
   we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”
  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."


I wish there was a way to describe all the amazing things God did this weekend in my life and others. I really wish everyone else could have their hearts revived too. I wish everyone could spend even 2 minutes in the presence of God and just know how much He loves them and how much He is pleased with them. I wish everyone could know that with every shameful thing they've done that they don't feel worthy of forgiveness for, it's already been forgiven. 


I can only pray that you stand still for a moment and create a space for God to move into. It is well worth your time and the most satisfying thing you could ever do.