Wednesday, May 20, 2015

God says, "Know"


Sometimes I forget that I ever started writing a book. 29 pages is still like a child's short story.. but maybe someday I will actually finish it. It will be called, God says, "Grow".. I think. That's what I'm calling it for now. Mostly because all while going through high school and doing a lot of street witnessing with my youth group, I always thought about writing a book called, God says, "Go". And I had done lots of Bible research, finding all the places where God told someone to go. To act. To follow, to obey. He tells us to go. 

However, when I took a Perspectives class my Sophomore year of college and became SO discontent with my life as a college student as I spent HOURS a week learning of all the people who were going and doing and obeying God's call in their life and *I* was wasting my life in college, I realized that 'GO" isn't always the message. The Lord told me to go.. yes. But He told me to be all there. College. I was a sophomore.. it was not the time to drop everything and move to Africa. 

What really hit me in the face was when, as a senior in college, I sat down with a missionary in Nicaragua and began discussing what it would look like for me to FINALLY go and move my whole self over to Nicaragua and be everything I dreamed of being since highschool.. a missionary. Yes I want to be a wife and a mom.. but a missionary would be SO great too. 

Someone who had walked by and overheard my conversation and my potential plans to begin Spanish classes so I could move over there without too much trouble asked me, "Fern! Are you thinking of becoming a missionary?" 

And then I realized.. I already was. The moment I entered into the Kingdom of God and said, "Yes, Lord. I will follow you." That was the moment I became a missionary. My whole life purpose is to point people to Christ. And I am going and doing in a lot of different ways. Sometimes it looks like me having someone sit on my couch, sipping coffee, telling me about what they're going through and me speaking whatever words of Truth the Lord gives me. Sometimes it looks like me rocking babies in a church nursery. 
Sometimes it looks like me putting money in the offering plate or driving to pick someone up for church. 

Life as a believer is life as a missionary. It doesn't take moving to Africa or India and raising thousands of dollars to live without electricity on straw mats in a mud hut. 

So the moment I realized that I was living my dream, and "going" every day, I shifted my focus to realize that, "yes, God says Go. And we go. But as we go, God says, grow." 

Grow! Grow where you are. Grow where He takes you. Grow at home, grow at church, grow at Bible study, grow on vacation, on retreats, in pain, in valleys, in darkness. Grow. Just grow. Grow your roots so that no matter what happens, you don't washout. 

I've thought about my book a few times lately and the progress I haven't made. It's coming, I promise! 

But you know what else I've encountered that's true of God? 

God says, "no."  Hahaha.. I chuckle. I laugh at myself because if there is ANYTHING I don't want to believe about God, is that he says 'no' to something that *I* think is a really great idea. 

I had a great idea for my life sometime last fall. And I *refused* to pray about it because I thought maybe God might say 'no.' I mean, I know the Lord, I'm kinda figuring out what He wants for me, and I had this little bitty hope but I figured if I didn't say anything, it could be as fleeting as all other hopes and my heart would be fine. 

I even told the Lord, "Alrighty Lord.. I'm gonna pray about this. But I don't want to because you're just going to say no." Maybe I thought I could reverse psychology God? My stupidity never ceases to amaze me, honestly. 

Sure enough, it was as I thought, God said no. But you know what, I'm really thankful. I'm thankful that my faithful God is steady and true. I could kind of sense that my good idea might not be the BEST idea.. but sometimes I like to play the, whatever-my-heart-has-been-damaged-before-what's-one-more-time card. Like.. I'm a live in the moment person. I occasionally ponder consequences.. but I don't actually really care if the present thing seems really great. You know?

But God won't let us have anything less than what's best. I appreciate that. I appreciate that my future is more valuable than my present desires. 

God is good. Even when He says, "no." Especially when He says, "no"... ESPECIALLY. 

Because you know what? "No" can be one of the most loving things anyone ever says to you. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, right? 

How many times did I have to say "no" to my nanny kids out of my deepest wish for their well beings?  But really.. if God said yes to everything, I wouldn't be all that convinced that He cared. 

Maybe when God says, "No" its sung on the same wave length as "Grow" and we can't actually distinguish what He said. "Grow, Fern. Grow."

When you're looking for a "Yes," or a "no" Maybe you should always prepare your ears to hear, "Grow." Because if He says, "Wait" He actually just said, "Grow." If He said, "Yes" He said, "Grow." 
And if He straight up says, "No. No way. No." He said "grow." 

Grow in your faith, grow in your truth, grow in love and truth and grace. Grow in obedience and compassion and selflessness. Just grow. 

And above alll else, prepare your ears to hear, "I love you." Because that's what He said louder than His other answers. He withholds no GOOD thing from those He loves. He knows the plans He has for you! Plans to prosper you and not to harm you! Plans to give you a hope and a future! 

Plans. Plans that require some "no." Plans that require you to be still and know. Know that He is God. 

Monday, May 11, 2015

Waiting


Step by step by step by step. 

I named this blog One Step at a Time because sometimes, that's all I can do. One step. One fractional, inch of a step. 

Some days trusting The Lord comes naturally, and sometimes, I focus on the winds and the rains and waters and I begin sinking. When Peter sank, the Bible says that "Immediately Jesus stretched out his hand and caught him." Immediately. 

Some days I feel like I'm sinking two days in a row. Or three. Or... a whole week..or month. I don't know.. somethings just feel... off. Where is the joy that is supposed to be so abundant and overflowing? Where is the peace? Where is the man walking on water who is coming to say, "Peace be Still." 
I find myself with the faith of the disciples some times. When I look out on the water I see a ghost. Jesus, my Lord and savior who I'd give my life to all over again.. just a vague silhouette on the horizon of  a great storm or windy, wavy, rough, unpredictable waters. 

When He seems like a ghost, it's really easy to look the other way. At the waves. At the rains. At the depth of the sea or the great odds that the boat is going to sink. 

I'm not one easily given to anxiety, but that isn't to say I'm not one given to anxiety. I am. Which mostly erupts in some sudden realization of how stressed or worried I am and then I just cry. I'll break down, cry a good hour or two..compose myself, sleep it off. And be calm for... who knows how long. It varies. 

I'm moved though. To a new city. New apartment. New streets, new neighborhood. Hopefully new friends. Hopefully new job. (A few things still in the coming.) 

Perhaps you'll remember that I have recently become obsessed with abandoned things. Houses and what-not. Cemeteries.. because those are abandoned bodies. I spend hours wondering after the lives that are no longer. Whatever they were, whatever they became. Whatever happened to make the soul leave the body. Whatever ever happened to the soul that left the body. I'm rather very curious. 

But I realized that part of the curiosity is stemmed from my own anxieties for myself. I'm easily given to believing false truths if I'm not careful to check it against God's word. So I'm easily given to slight notions of thinking *I* am abandoned. Or that I will be. 

I worry that I will abandon the life God had set for me and choose the wrong thing. And that the grand beautiful plans will sit desolate and alone.. much like the houses I find that are worn to the joists and covered in dust and aren't much more than an empty reminder that there once was life. Once upon a time. But the life has since left. 

When I walk through an abandoned house, picking out the living room or the kitchen or a bedroom, I wonder if the people who had lived there laughed. I wonder if they had been happy in that house. If happy things happened there. And I wonder myself if my life shall be happy. If it shall be marked by laughter and happy memories. Currently, yes. It has those things. Laughter and happiness. But if a house can have it and not, than probably my life, too, can have it and then not. 

As I wander in and among the countless gravestones of very young children and stillborn infants, I think about the life that never happened. God is in control of all things and I know there is no such thing as a child who shouldn't exist. But I wonder why they were here for so brief. And I worry that I shall never quite start my life. 

I feel like I haven't started my life. 

I'm like Repunzel in Tangled just, "Wondering and wondering and wondering and wondering 'when will my life begin?'" 

But the thing is. I'm not stuck. (I know that). I'm not held back. I'm nothing. I have all freedoms I could ever want or need. I'm just shy of a job. 

Perhaps its the lack of employment that makes me feel as though I have no current sense of purpose. 

I'm learning very quickly that it's not where I live that will make me happy, but what I live for. And how I live. And I'm bad at living. 

I'm bad at living with present purpose because I'm still hoping for a future fantasy. My little hopes treasured in jars of clay, waiting to be opened and lived. Sometimes I feel like I'm living. And sometimes I feel like I'm not. 

All in all, the Lord still whispers into my heart that He who began a good work in my will be faithful to complete it and carry it out until the day of Christ Jesus. But I'm rather an impatient person. 

I can just here my mother's words echoing in the background, "The goal is not the goal. It's the process to get there. Enjoy the process." 

Somedays I like the process, somedays I like the end point. 

I'm living in the future right now. I'm living for the day I get offered a job. I'm living for the day I will welcome my little brother home from the airport and be wrapped in one of his epic bear hugs. I'm living for this coming weekend with my older brother and a dear family friend. 

But I just wanna live. To be content. To be satisfied in the stillness. To be full in an empty house. 

That's all I want right now. My hands are open and my heart is hopeful.