Thursday, July 10, 2014

ramble ramble...

My brain is shot. For a lot of reasons that I won't detail... but my emotions are shot too. 

I'm working on some emotionally charged something or other blog of thoughtsy things about my first week away from life in Iowa City. Eventually I'll collect my thoughts and finish it. 

But for a quick summation. The weekend of the 4th was GREAT because everyone was home, including my sweet friend, Amanda. But Sunday they left. And I awoke from my Sunday nap feeling totally alone and in the wrong place. It has only ever been holidays, really, that I have been so privileged to stay on a Sunday afternoon rather than the usual, pack things together and return by 5pm. The fact that everyone else packed and left and I found myself alone in a big room on a big bed in a big house was completely defeating. Everything about it felt wrong. 


But someday it shall feel right. Maybe. I've already blogged about how I am surrendering to the Lord's plan for my life, and so I don't mean for my negative emotions to reflect a negative experience. My parents have been more than caring and kind and welcoming and sweet. It's nice to see my siblings and it's nice to see the sunsets. I like the barns, I like the cows. I like the goats and the kittens and the sweet smell of clover growing in the ditch.

By all means, it should be everything that makes my heart to breathe. 


But the week was hard. Starting in my first cry fest upon waking from my nap on Sunday, to the many, every day, multiple times a day, break downs since then.

But it's good. God can only heal a broken heart if it's broken in the first place. It's been a while since my heart has been shattered, and the Lord is never done teaching you new ways to surrender. 


While it is painful, I'm completely convinced that the Lord will be honored and glorified. 

It's not wrong, it's just hard. 

I've told the Lord, "I will go any where for you, do anything for you, give up everything for you, just be there when I get there."

Even something "easy" like moving to another part of Iowa and driving my father to work can be stretching. 


I need to be stretched. I need to be totally prepared to give up my comfortable, friend-filled, wild crazy, I-can-do-whatever-i-want, kinda life to do the things that aren't any of those things. 

I said "yes" to the Lord once and that means I say "Yes" every day. Even through the tears.