More Than a Moment

I think one of the hardest things about going on a joy-filled missions trip is coming back. :/
One of my favorite movies from my childhood is Peter Pan. Not the cartoon one, the people one. In it, they talk about a hidden kiss being on the corner of Wendy's mouth and she asks, "But what is it for?" and her aunt replies, "That is for the greatest adventure of all. The one who finds it has slipped in and out of heaven." 
And perhaps that is how I thin

k of a trip like Nicaragua, like a kiss from the Lord in which I have slipped in and out of heaven.... 
I wish I could say I've mastered how to hit the ground running and take up here where I left off before I went. It's a tricky balance, being all here and being thankful for now and still letting my heart be affected by what was then. 
I live a really really blessed life, guys. I live with my best friends who love Jesus, I have friends that come over for dinner parties and tea parties and random birthday parties for Vincent Van Gogh. I have a car and a job and the freedom to come and go as I please. I have the most God-loving, welcoming family in the world, and I have friends scattered all over the place. 

I have nothing to complain about at all. I often go back to read Philippines 2 and remind myself to be thankful in all things, " Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling,  for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain.  But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. So you too should be glad and rejoice with me."
As I've been thinking on how to describe just how close we were to the obvious presence of The Lord, I've been thinking of our everyday analogies like, "we were within spitting distance" or "A stones throw away" and I don't really feel like I should say that about God.... but it's really rather true. Because, would it not be spitting on the Lord to be thankful for time with bugs and bats and lizards and then complaining about hot showers, comforts, and luxuries? 
Would it not be a stoning to say, He was with me on that trip but He is not with me now? I mean, come on Peter, don't deny the Lord to His face. 
And I said, "obvious" presence of the Lord only because all other distractions were removed and you'd have to be as blind as the man with mud on his eyes not to see the Lord. The Lord is just as obvious and present and active and touchable in my little casa in Iowa City as He is under the church tent in Nicaragua. It just depends on if I choose to sit down with Him and touch Him or not. 
Basically, my conviction lately has been to let the seeds of joy planted deep into my heart whilst hugging and tickling and loving the little children in Nicaragua, is to let them be just that, joy. Not joy turned sour or sad. I should not be sad to be back. I should be thankful to have gone and thankful to have returned home and thankful that Nicaragua will still be there when I go back next. 

I am thankful for a God who has 12 baskets full of blessings to feed 5,000 people just from what little amounts of dead fish and dry bread I have to offer. 12 baskets for me to take home and share with my family and friends after all the big stuff that amazed the people. How interesting that after the feast of booths (or lights) was over and the tents taken down and the lights put out that Jesus stood up and said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."

Jesus knew what the people needed to hear so as not to be depressed afterwards. 

It was always after something big that Jesus chose to show stand up and say, "Here I am. I am the lasting fulfillment your heart is wanting. You enjoyed that, that small little moment, but I am forever. More than a moment. I am your always." 

And so He speaks that to my heart now. Why is it that I can surrender 100% of my time, energy and focus in one single week in Nicaragua and not do the same thing in the US? Why is it that in Nicaragua I got up everyday with one purpose in mind, "Share the Gospel with everyone I meet today" and I don't have that same focus in the US? Why is it that in everything we did in Nicaragua we would say, "We are here to help you, but most importantly here to tell you about Jesus and His love for you" but I don't live with that same sense of purpose in the US? 
More than anything, I hope the Lord grows my heart to be intentional no matter where I am. I hope that I would remember every day that the reason I'm getting up in the morning is to share God's love with anyone I might encounter during my day. 
Why don't I think, "I'm here to nanny your kids, but most importantly, I'm here to share the Love of Jesus with you?" or "I'm here to give you a ride, but most importantly, to tell you about Jesus" or "I'm here to buy my groceries, but most importantly, I'm here to show you how Jesus cares for you." 
I want that. My heart wants that. My life should always be lived with purpose and the time I spend 100% surrendered to the Lord should be way more than just a moment in Nicaragua. 

The Big Adventure

Thank you for your prayers, my sweet readers! Our team felt them!! As it was, everyone was able to travel and the time spent sleeping on the airplane out of Managua did a world of good for a lot of them. 
We all made it home safe and sound. :)

I, however, caught some kinda bug and haven't been feeling the best the last few days, but I'm hoping that it will be short lived. 

There is so much I could say about our trip to Nicaragua! SO much! But, really, I just want to take you back with me next year. I'm serious. Whoever you are, wherever you are, PLEASE consider joining me next time. 

Guys, my heart beats for adventure! I'm not an discontent person at home in the US. Really, I am honestly humbled by the GREAT MANY blessings the Lord has bestowed upon me. But, the taste of eternity is so sweet and so worth it, I'd gladly give up everything to live in it full time. 

And I plan to. Some day. I'd be a fool not to. 

Our little village of Casa Blanca stole my heart. Well, the kids did. We arrived at about 2pm Sunday and went right to work praying in every room of the school we stayed in and then setting up the clinics. 

Amanda and I were assigned to put together an Evangicube and then I had to step out of the clinic for a minute. When I came back, there was Amanda, surrounded by children who adored her instantly

Amanda's Spanish was actually really good, and she rather became my own personal translator/Spanish teacher. :) What a blessing. 

We worked in the children's ministry together with a couple other members of the team. And we played with the kids and we worked in the pharmacy and we showered under the stars and we ate in the sun. We were covered in dirt from head to toe and the bathrooms were outhouses. 

I could tell you all the details, the food, the bugs, the heat, the wind... but really, I'd rather you just go experience it for yourself. 

The biggest details for you to know is that Jesus came with us on this trip and he was waiting for us when we got there. He was the reason for everything we did and his love made everypart of everyday SO FULL of JOY that I cannot even begin to describe it. 

There was no smell too awful or bug or bat or spider or lizard that could have possibly made the trip difficult because God's love was too big for it. No sunburn too painful, no language barrier too frustrating, no food too different. 

With joy I would brush the dirt off my bed before crawling under my sheets every night. With joy I would wake up at 5 to the roosters crowing. With joy, everything. EVERYTHING was joyful. 

Last night I was talking to a friend about the trip and he asked, "So is it nice to be back home?" 

I've been thinking about it. Of course I'm thankful! God placed me here and I am blessed, so i cannot complain. But it is hard for me. Because I am a people person. And I realize that I'm very isolated with my life in America. I work all day and then come home and we sit around on our tablets and phones and computers. We only see people if we make effort for it and we stare at our electronics even if we've "Made the effort" to hang out. 

In Nicaragua, there was no facebook or cellphones or anything like that. Just people. You'd find someone to sit by for a meal and you'd talk to them. You'd talk in the pharmacy, or the dentistry. You played with the kids and they'd say stuff to you in Spanish and they'd ask, "Como se dece "Mi Amigo en Engles??" And you'd say, "Friend" and they'd light up and say, "You...friend!" 

And we laughed. OH how much we laughed! My abs were sore coming back from the sheer amount of laughter the WHOLE week. One of my teammates had asked me during the week, "Are you having more fun this year than last year?" and I thought about it and said, "You know, I can't imagine that I am. Last year was great and this year is great." And she commented, "But you seem so much more happier this year than last year." And she was right. My heart was in love and joyful LAST year, but the Lord has grown MAJOR fruit in my heart in the last year and this year my heart couldn't contain the love or the joy or the peace that FLOODED every crack and crevice of it. 

My third world heaven. It doesn't have to be materially rich to be the most wealthy place in the world. Because God is there. HE is SO there. As thick as humidity in the summer. You reach out and touch him every time you reach out at all. And He loves you. He loves you so much! And I cannot comprehend that I should be so privileged to have been there. 

I sat in on a church service one morning rather than teach in the Children's service and I was so overwhelmed by God's love. And then they invited people to give their lives to Christ and being apart of that was incredible. And as I began to cry at the love that so filled my heart that there wasn't even room for it, God whispered so gently, "I have redeemed you, Fern Kohl. I have called you by name and you are mine. And I want you to see this. See how I can use you. See how I love my people. See how much joy there is in my love. And I chose you for this. Because I love you. Because I want to do great things with you." And He said much more, of course. And He is saying the same things to you. 

Loving God is a grand adventure. You don't have to go to another country to experience it. You just say "yes" and then sooooo many adventures just come. EVERY day. And they are joyful. Not always right at first, but joy cometh. Always, it will come. If you are growing the fruit of the spirit that is. 

Guys, as much as i'd LOVE for you to experience the joy I do in Nicaragua. More than ANYTHING IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD, I'd love for you to experience the joy I do in knowing God. He makes me heart SO happy! I am SO loved down to the very bottomest deepest places of my heart. And I belong. 

I want you all to know the same love and joy and happiness and peace. It's so peaceful. 

I LOVE adventures! I LOVE them. And I would love nothing more than for you to join me on my adventures! Alls you have to do is say, "Yes, I'm going to let Jesus love me heart." 

Let me know if you have any questions or comments. :) I'm praying for you! 

Pray for our team!

Our team covets your prayers today as much as you can remember.
A good deal of our team is quite sick and two of them are in worse condition than the rest and are on IVs. It's not quite 3am yet and we are all to be on the bus by 4. With much of the team throwing up and not up for much beyond laying down, today's travel will be difficult.

Pray pray pray!

Yesterday was extremely hot and we had little access to water...I'm hoping that's the only thing causing half the team to be out for the count...hopefully nothing we ate. I can't say I'm feeling the best but I'm not anywhere close to feeling the worst either.

Pray for health and travel safety.

I'll up date when we get back to the US.

Back to the Mission House in Managua, Nicaragua

Hola mi familia!!

I probably spelled that wrong. But hello! We are back at the mission house after four intense days in the village of Casa Blanca! Whew! I'm not ready to leave. We arrived in the village around noon on Sunday and immediately went to work setting up the clinic. Amanda and I sat on the floor of the pharmacy assembling an evangacube when the little kids of the village noticed us. I had to step out to help with something and when I came back, Amanda was totally surrounded by about 25 children. Her Spanish was pretty good and she communicated well with the kids. She was a great teacher, also, and I am able to carry on broken conversations as well as, at least, understand what the kids were saying to me.

We worked mostly in children's church, sharing the gospel 4 or 5 times a day and then playing with the kids between time in the pharmacy. The kids were SO loving and so affectionate. Listening to them scream out "yes Jesus loves me" at the top of their lungs brought tears to my eyes.

On Monday, Amanda and I went out with the Vet team and got the pleasure of chasing 6 cows through a field for a couple hours. Along with holding crabs, visiting the remains of a mammoth fossil museum and passing out a dozen Bibles to the people we shared the gospel with. Mostly we watched the men do it, but it was a pleasure to see it and be a part of it.

Amanda and I have been singing together for church every night and last night we finished the service with Revelation Song. We were given many hugs by crying villagers when we were done.
I love that even though verbal communication was rough,
Gods love knows no bounds. I have a lot of stories to tell, but Internet is sketch. We have rested, we've treated ourselves for lice, and we will have a debriefing meeting soon.

On the bus ride home today, one of our team members, Andrew, who is 19, informed our bus driver that he would really like to eat an Iguana for supper.
So, like ya do, the bus driver pulled up to a street side shop, had his helper guy jump out, and jump back in with a very large, live Iguana. The cooks are preparing it for him. Ha...only in Nicaragua.

Thank you for your prayers!! We will return to the states on Saturday. Pray for safety in the Market tomorrow and also for health in this heat.

Much love!
Fern

Arrived safely

Greetings from Nicaragua! After over 20 hours of travel, I crawled into my bunk around 12:30am US time and told The Lord I'd like Him to make me wide awake at whatever time he wanted me to be wide awake.

I didn't have a time telling device in my bunk with me, so I just scrambled out of bed when I felt woken up. It's 5am here. Me and The Lord are gonna catch up on account I didn't take the time yesterday.

My right hand is blue. I attempted to prayer journal while the plane was still in the processes of going up and the pressure/altitude change caused my pen to explode.

I feel like I've come home. I eagerly looked out the window when we arrived last night and watched the signs, nightclubs, motorcycles, people...everything. Even the trash in the ditch just seems right. My heart has been SO happy.

Traveling went well yesterday. No hookups or lost luggage. The 6 hour layover was spent playing people watching bingo and cards and chatting, and walking as fast as we could on the loving sidewalks.

The flights were good! There was a lot of turbulence on the first flight, on account of a lightning storm. Stuff flew off our laps and the plan dipped a bunch...I LOVED it. I love turbulence. At the point where I was saying "weeeeeeeeee" and everyone else was holding their stomaches, one of my team members asked if I had prayed for it...uhm...yes kinda. I mean, I prayed for an adventure! If the plane plunges a bit and things fall all everywhere and the cabin screams cuz they think they're about to meet Jesus in person, sounds like an adventure to me!!

But really though, all was well. And here I am! Sitting in a rocking chair out on the deck, watching the sunrise and listening to the chickens crow. I love it! I love it all!

Oceans Deep

"At this I awoke and looked around . My sleep had been pleasant to me." -Jeremiah 31:26

I haven't blogged much about it, yet, but I'm going back to Nicaragua! The day after tomorrow, actually. In preparation for the trip I have to take Malaria pills... and of course I will be taking them for a while after. 

I don't typically dream at night, but every time I sleep now (naps included), it has been some sort of trippy experience, vivid enough to question my sanity as a whole when I wake. When I mentioned this on facebook, one of my friends suggested I start writing them down so that all could be entertained by the crazy that is me sometimes. 

After a trippy nap yesterday afternoon that had me groggy/loopy for at least a full hour after waking up, I actually decided to place a paper and a pencil beside my bed before going to sleep last night, just in case something thoroughly entertaining should happen. 

Last night I attended the final night of the financial peace class I've been attending the last 2 months. I have loved that class for several reasons. Obviously, because I was being taught to be a wise steward of the Lord's money and being convicted of my selfishness and stubbornness. But also because of the people there. 

They all know each other, in and out, all of their lives are intertwined and everything is open and talked about. It made for a transparent group. And also, you can't say anything without someone wanting to help or fix or mend or encourage or suggest or advise. I love that. I have been requesting that the Lord would make me to be a woman of godly wisdom and it has been a pure pleasure and delight to sit at a table with other couples and students who just speak out of their life experiences.

Last night, a lady at my table was talking about how she had a lot of chit-chatting with God to do when she gets to heaven on account there are some things she doesn't get. Questions. She has questions. 
I've been mulling it over. 

I think I grew up hearing that God answers one of three ways: "Yes", "no", or "wait".

That upsets me. Because it's not true. God talks. He explains whatever you want explained and he is patient and kind and affirming and gentle. He's not a robot who gives vague answers and leaves us in the dark all of the time. He is real and alive and He has things to say. MORE than "yes" or "wait."

Jesus met me in my dreams last night. I didn't even ask Him to, but He was there and we went for a walk. 
Prior to going to bed last night, my roommates and I were talking about our ultimate goals in life. And, honestly, our goals and dreams that top all else are to be a wife and a mother. But who says that when someone asks you what you want to be in life? "uhmm.. a wife." *crickets*
But we have plan Bs... photographer, counselor..etc. Obviously we will be productive with the time the Lord gives us, but why be ashamed of the desire the Lord wove deep into our hearts before we were born? 

I was talking to the Lord about that when we talked last night. I was asking Him what He thought about the matter, like if it was a worthy goal in life. (Guys, never shy away from asking the Lord's opinion, because he always has encouraging things to say.)

"Fern, you are my daughter. You are of noble birth. And there is nothing more noble than to be a wife and a mother. And guard your heart. Above all else. From those who would seek to tell you otherwise. For you have been called and fought for. You have been called for a purpose and I have great plans for you. I chose you out of  6 billion and I love you more than anything. Whose opinion matters but mine? Who formed you and made you? Who drew you out of the pit and set you on solid ground? Who gives you the desires of your heart when you delight in my love? You are mine. And I will lead you beside streams and you will rest in my shadow. Fight for yourself and incline your hear to the Truth. What is the voice of man that you should choose to honor it above my own? What is the opinion of man that you would seek to give your life to please it when it shall never be satisfied. 
You struggle with being "enough" because you struggle to be for people. People will never be satisfied with people and so of course you are not enough. Be for me, Fern. And I will be for you and you will be enough. "

..And there was much more to that conversation. Truths I'll cling to and fight for and delight in always. 
When I woke up, I wasn't ready to be apart from the Lord. So I went straight away to my Bible and began by reading in Matthew of the rich man and the poor Lazareth who die and the rich man goes to Hades and the poor man to be comforted by the Lord. And I read through the book of Joel and wondered at the Lord's violent love. I went to Jeremiah, and that is where I settled down. 

The old testament is not a dry history book. It is alive and active and a story of a gallant rescue. MY gallant rescue. A potter forming a pot so marred and disfigured he just reshaped it into a new pot. It's the story of passion and care and plans for protection. And God is so heroic in his love. He busts through the nations to bring back his captives and he pursues those whom He loves unrelentlessly and he fixes and heals and restores and cares. 

He does not wait. He does not give back a one word answer. He does not set us aside and busy himself elsewhere and then come back to us. He is active. He is actively working on our behalf. Always He is. 
He is establishing our footpath and hacking our way through the bush. He is going before us and is next to us and is our re-guard behind us. There is nothing we have to say to him about how he has directed our lives that would hold any meaning against His plan. We have no wisdom compared to His and we have no idea of How deep his love is. We can sing about it for a thousand year and not even comprehended a grain of it. 

It's rich and pure and noble. He, after all, is a king. Noble and kind and wise beyond comprehension. 

And I am going on an adventure with Him. Every day. Sometimes that adventure takes me to church on a Sunday morning, or to coffee with a friend. Sometimes it would have me paint a sunset for a friend or barn in the snow. Sometimes, my adventure takes me to someone in need and asks of me more than my selfish heart is willing. Sometimes that adventure would have be board a plane and give medicine to people in another country. Or share the Gospel in an airport. 

And sometimes, that adventure leads me to grab a cup of coffee and sit on my couch with my Bible and wait and listen and be still. Everyday my life is full of adventure with the Lord. And going to Nicaragua  is only a tiny little bit of it. It's not the next big thing.. it's just a little piece of the now thing. Because Jesus is my big thing. I don't wait for my adventures, they are everyday. 

The love of God is like an ocean. Wild and full and unpredictable. At times we experience it gentle and calm and soothing. Other times we experience it fierce and violent and harsh. But always it is beautiful and deep and filled with more things than we will ever comprehend. 

Thoughts on Mothers

It's no where near Mother's Day yet, but today I'm more than aware that moms just don't get enough credit for their existence. I'm a nanny. The earliest I've ever had to show up for a job was shortly before 6am. Which really isn't a big deal on account the work isn't anything too impossible..and there is always hope for returning home at some point. Plus I really enjoy spending time with kids. 

Last night as I struggled to stay awake in my financial peace class, I slightly contemplated the wisdom in my choice to have plans to hang out with a good friend later at 10pm. If I know I can sleep  the next day or something, I don't really think twice about accepting a late night hangout invite. 

I was driving back to Iowa City some time around 9:45pm and had just hung up my phone after solidifying where I was going to meet my friend and so on. But then my phone rang again and I, having my first on-call-at-any-hour nanny job for a lady with two kids and a third one due to arrive any minute, found out quickly that my late night plans would have to take a raincheck..I was needed to take over children watching at 11pm. 

So obviously the first part wasn't difficult, I arrived, got the low down of the kid's schedules and diet plans and then crawled into the air mattress bed they had set up for me somewhere around midnight. I slept between the text updates and phone calls throughout the early hours of the morning  and went on duty officially at 5am when the 1year old woke up in need of a bottle and fresh clothes. 

And it's been "mommy duty" with her and the 5year old ever since. I don't mind it, of course. I just don't know how REAL moms function on such little sleep and still keep the house functioning, children fed, and everything else mundane in order. 

As an everyday nanny, I've never had a moment where I decided I was sick of kids...but I have definitely had moments of feeling like I will be a terrible parent in my future. It's really humbling when you meet a situation you simply aren't qualified to handle. Nothing too traumatic has happened today so far...other than a few tantrums and melt downs. But there have been other times when I just don't know and my parenting skills are severely lacking and I just think..."dang...moms got a gift that I don't have and I just can't comprehend how they do life.." 

I'm sure a lot of this is my sleep deprivation talking. I finally got the 5yr old to take a nap..so it's a little quieter in here. Aye aye aye though. I'm thankful kids can't tell time because if they knew that their 20minute nap is currently at 40 minutes I think I'd have my own melt down...well probably not. But ya know....

Anyways.... I must return...but really, moms are incredible.