Monday, February 25, 2013

A 3rd World Heaven, Perhaps

Today it's starting to hit me...

I'm leaving the country in 20 days!!! Nicaragua! I'm so excited. I'm quite afraid as well. The last two times I've left the country, I had a hard time with it. I mean, I like being comfortable. I like being safe. I like fresh air. 

At the same time, my heart greatly longs for adventure! I'm so excited about my team as well! Most of them I don't know, but I'm sure after a week of close quarters and a couple long airplane flights that will no longer be an issue. 

My heart needs this. 

Most the times I'm doing really well and I honestly feel completely whole and joyful and fine. But there are times I'm caught off guard and somewhere deep down where only Jesus can reach is one last broken piece of a shattered, dreamed up future that only hurts when something pokes it.

I'd like to think I've surrendered all of me and let Jesus heal all of me. But I'm learning that not all healing is immediate..some things just take time. 

Sometimes I question if I'm wrong in going on a missions trip when my heart is in the state that it's in, but I've thought about and I think it's okay. Usually it's *my* heart that God is working on when I serve anyways, and seeing that I feel like my heart is quite needy and totally not adequate to be serving or pouring out, it seems to me that it's in the perfect place for God to use it. Being that it's empty, God will have to fill me up so I can pour out more. 

I have no doubts that God will use me in any case. Even if it's just holding a baby whilst its mother sees a doctor, I'm okay with that. I just need to be used. 

Honestly, I want to experience God's love because God's love heals. The best way to experience it, so I've learned thus far, is to love people with it. Somehow, when the moment comes, all that you need is there and you have enough to share. I suppose it's a lot like the 5 loaves and 2 fishes. It didn't seem like enough at the time, but as it was needed, there was enough and then in the end, there was more than enough and the little boy not only got to take it home so his family was full that one night, but he got to eat it the next day, and the next. 

That's why I like to serve. Perhaps that is selfish. Maybe it's like the woman who fought her way through a crowd to touch Jesus' clothes. She fought for it, she touched him, she felt him, she was healed. I feel like I'm fighting through life to get to Jesus now. I mean, He's with me, yes. But my heart needs a healing in a certain place. 

 Jesus does a lot with a little. You see him really clearly when you have to do things in faith. There's a lot of that when you do missions work in 3rd world countries. I love that. I'm gonna go there and see Jesus. I'm going to see him in how my teammates serve each other. I'm going to see him in how the doctors and nurses care for the patients. I'm going to see him in how he provides for the needy. I'm going to see him as little children hear Bible stories for the first times. I'm going to see him when someone accepts him for the first time and His joy is displayed on their face through smiles and tears. 

Whilst I so look forward to serving and loving God's people and honoring my Father through my actions, I'm just excited to take myself out of "this world" for a moment and focus on things other than classes and relationships and my future and...life. 

Nicaragua is probably not anything close to heaven.. but perhaps it could be. It could be in that the love of God will taste so much sweeter there. The joy of serving will be much more appreciated. The presence of God will be so much more apparent. And the unity of believers will be much more strong. You know why? Because there will be space for God and he will move into it. I'm looking forward to it! 

Friday, February 22, 2013

Perfectly God

The love of God is greater far
Than tongue or pen can ever tell;
It goes beyond the highest star,
And reaches to the lowest hell;


Being a senior in college, I've for sure caught on to 'chronicprocrastinitis' which also bares the name 'senioritis.' I'm not especially proud of it.. not at all actually. But I have this intense fear that if I put too much of my heart into my school work, too much of my heart will become exhausted, burnt out, broken, damaged, etc. 

I had to take a quiz this morning by 10am and so instead of my usual Friday morning routine of setting up my coffee pot and tissues by my spend-time-with-Jesus chair, I was instead on my floor surrounded by textbooks, online articles, lectures, and my ICON web instructions whilst pouring over what leading psychologist believe to be the meaning of happiness. 

It was actually very fascinating and so I semi wished that I had not procrastinated so badly and would have had more time to take in what all people's take on happiness was before spewing forth my crammed in knowledge onto the quiz that needed to be taken. I'll probably go back and study it for the sake of being a better counselor in the future, but it is actually quite a dark world out there and incredibly amazing what people who don't have Jesus do to achieve such a great thing as 'happiness.'

Whilst pouring over all the literature on 'happiness' and wishing to be sitting in my Jesus chair enjoying coffee and reading the word, the hymn, "Love of God" began to play in my head. I have not heard the song for a long time, but I figured Jesus was wanting me to listen to it when I finished things up and joined Him in our peaceful place. I found a beautiful version of it done by Mercy Me and added it to my Time Alone with God playlist as well as put it on repeat and listened to it however many times it could have played in an hour and let the music wash over me as I began reading through a list of verses my roommate had put together for me. 

It was all so perfect. The verses I was reading were all about how God goes through great lengths to show His love. There wasn't a single verse or passage that wasn't about God's love. I absolutely LOVE the line about it reaching into the lowest hell. How true that is!! Whilst my heart feels whole and I feel so entirely loved and confident in my identity in Christ, I know it's not over yet. I am out of the valley for a time, but once the next mountain is climbed, there will be another valley on other side. And so it will go until one day I shall forever be in the presence of my savior. In a place where the ground is made flat, the valleys raised, and I shall forever have a song of joy on my lips. 

When hoary time shall pass away,
And earthly thrones and kingdoms fall,
When men who here refuse to pray,
On rocks and hills and mountains call,
God’s love so sure, shall still endure,
All measureless and strong;



I'm not there yet. In the meantime, my precious Lord pursues my heart and times everything perfectly and in the most beautiful ways imaginable. My goodness how he times things!
Last weekend was entailed one of the most painful meetings/conversations I've thus far had to go through and it was so hard. Fortunately, I knew well enough that I was gonna need the Lord in a big way and I spent as many days preparing as the Lord had granted me. I sought counsel from at least 4 people specifically and was offered encouragement by more than half a dozen other sweet friends who the Lord used to brace my heart for what was coming. I was also blessed to have several people pray over me by phone and in person in the 30 minutes prior to the whole thing. 
I saw the Lord do a great thing. In the 40 minutes whilst the closing lines to a great chapter of my life in which the Lord had taught me great things were being written. With tears of sadness watering seeds of hope for the future in which my great Father has plans to prosper me, I was able to feel the love of God holding my heart together as the conversation brought all things to a final resting point and dirt was placed over the grave of what had died many months earlier. 

It was a hope deferred. The kind that makes the heart sick, yknow? I don't fully understand it yet, but I am so very convinced that the Lord must have some great plan for me because He is putting a LOT of effort and detail into the work He's doing on my heart. 
And the Lord did something great after all that was done. The very next day I got a random invitation from a friend I don't think I'd seen or talked to in almost a year (apart from one very brief facebook chat a couple days prior) inviting me to a Valentines something or other at his church that night. 
It was rather spur of the moment but I have a spontaneous sister who has oft been my partner in spontaneous adventures and being that I was spontaneously visiting her at the time I asked her if she'd like to spontaneously join me once more. Of course she said yes. 

As spontaneous as it all seemed, I think the Lord had it planned just right. My heart was so ministered to and refreshed! There was so much joy and laughter and peace. AND! The Lord had for me a big surprise. 

Hymns. *sigh* How my heart loves hymns. And not just hymns, but A Cappella! I don't even remember what they sang, but there was an 'impromptu' little hymn sing thing that went down and it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard. As if the Lord was taking his watering can and pouring it over the garden in my heart. So beautiful. It was everything I needed.

I mentioned earlier that I'd been sorta running from the Lord. Immediately after I'd left the hard conversation, I met up with a friend and spent the rest of the day with her family and immediately from there I went home and hosted a sleep over in which I was able to hide behind everyone else sharing their stories. Immediately in the morning I was off to discipleship group and then church. From there it was a leader's meeting that took up most of the afternoon. I knew I needed to stop and let the Lord heal my heart but I wasn't about to let my heart feel. So as soon as I got home from that meeting I headed off to North Liberty to see a friend and spend time with Pearl. And from there we took off on our adventure to Kalona. Of COURSE the Lord was gonna trap me in somehow. Of course He was going to get me to run right into a place where I needed to be. More than that, a place of joy where His presence was overwhelming. How loved I am. 

The Lord is not yet done with His surprises. On Wednesday I met for supper with one of my Bible study girls to spend some one-on-one and immediately from there, of course, I met up with a few of my non-believer friends and drank chai tea whilst they ate their supper. I was so pleasantly surprised as my formerly-atheist-currently-agnostic friend asked me some well thought out, deep questions on Christianity and God. Of course I all of the sudden felt so inadequate but I know the Lord was with me as verses came to mind and I answered to the best of my ability. 
My friend was so encouraging, telling me that he appreciated my insight and he thought I was the best person to ask those questions to because I always answer something different than he expects. 

The Lord moves in mysterious ways. 

Oh, love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure—
The saints’ and angels’ song.








Tuesday, February 19, 2013

The Truth Hurts

My apologies for the recent drop off in postings lately. To be honest... I think I myself have kind of dropped off. I've drafted a few ideas here and there..but nothing has really excited my heart to a point of feeling like I had much to share. 

One of the things I've realized about myself is that while I like being transparent in my walk with the Lord... I only like to be transparent when my walk is going "well." It hasn't been going well lately. It hasn't really been going....at all. About a week ago, I was praying very specifically for a waiting time that I was supposed to be in for another two weeks to hurry up and go faster and right in the middle of that prayer, I was interrupted by a text message that was actually an end to that wait. However, it wasn't the answer that I had been praying for, it wasn't what I had surrendered to, it wasn't what I felt like I deserved. In fact, I was angry, if I'm being honest. I think I felt betrayed because I had done everything "right" and what I knew was about to happen was not what my heart wanted. 

I've cried everyday since that moment. In fact, that night, I fell asleep crying and woke up with tears still rolling out of my eyes.  I think I felt entitlement. After all the things I've learned about God in the last several months, after all I have experienced in how He pursues my heart relentlessly, after all I've come to know about Him having the plan of hope for my future, I was still thinking I could do things to get what I wanted. 

I think I started running from God. I mean.. I know I did. I've been running. In my mind I know it's dumb. It's so.. pointless and dumb to run from God and I know that.. but that didn't..and doesn't really change what I actually do. Because, with God.. you have to feel things. With God, you have you be real. You have to be vulnerable. You have to expose your heart. You have to let yourself feel pain. 

I don't like pain. I like to feel happy, I like to feel joy, I like to feel love...but I do not like to feel pain. I'm good at being too busy to feel pain. At the same time, I'm good at being too busy to let God heal my pain. Because if I talk to God about it, I have to remember it. If I remember it, I have to re-live it emotionally because I am a girl and I think in emotion and I can't remember an event or a comment or a moment without remembering the emotion that was experienced at the time of that event, comment or moment. And too be honest, sometimes it hurts too much. 

"So how's that workin' out for ya?" One might ask. Well... not so great. My heart has "caught a cold." I've hurt my closest friends, my leadership in Bible study this week was basically a train wreck, I played the part of a wounded tiger and not only snapped at things that usually don't phase me, made judgmental comments that shouldn't have come out of my mouth, but also allowed myself to be angry and unforgiving towards people. 

That's the ugly part of me. Nothing like saying things that wound your closest friends to humble you and break you of pride and catch you in your sin. Know what I really hate? Saying sorry. 
I hate, hate, hate having to say sorry to people. I realized this when I hurt a dear friend with sharp words. I don't hate saying sorry because I'm not sorry. It's because I am. It's because I'm protective of my friends and I hate seeing anyone or anything hurt them. It hurts me to see them hurt.When *I'm* the cause of that hurt, it hurts even more. And because I think in emotion, I have to remember how I hurt when I hurt them and sometimes it hurts too much to remember. Like I said... I like to run from pain. 

I try to be transparent. Most people see me happy. That's because I am! People make me happy! Even when my heart hurts, it is very rare that you will see me be sad around more than one person because I just love being around people so much. The hard part is, I don't do a ton of one-on-one and if I do, I will ask as many questions as I can to keep them from asking questions about me. Because if they ask, I have to remember. I just don't like to. I like to think happy thoughts.. they lift you into the air! 

One of my verrrrrrry favorite things ever that makes my heart happy is sailing. I LOVE sailing. I have been a sailor for over ten years now. I think I was 11 when I took the class and got my certification. During the class we learned all the parts of our boats and all the crazy physics that go into sailing like the importance of the angle of your sail with the direction of the wind and who has rite of way when passing on the leeward side. 
One of the most important things to know about when sailing a boat, especially on the high-wind days is the boom. It's the big metal..uhm..I guess it's a pole-type deal that attaches to the main sheet and runs perpendicular to the mast. Basically, it's the part that swings over your head when your sail moves. 
If you do a Jibe, that is, turn around by turning away from the wind, your sail doesn't catch wind til the last second and you have about that fast to duck your head down before that boom comes swinging around and the boat takes off in a hurry. 

One time I forgot to warn one of my passengers in time and the boom knocked her out of the cockpit and into the water. She had managed to grab onto the boom on her way of the boat as thus held onto, which didn't allow me to set the sail free, so we were still catching plenty of wind and she was being dragged along in the water for a little ways before the boat eventually capsized completely. 

Basically what I'm saying, I think truth acts like a boom sometimes. Wanna know why the boom is called what it is? It's because boom is the sound that the pole thing makes when it smacks you in the head. Booms are essential for a sailboat. If you didn't have one, your sail would flap in the wind and your boat would never go anywhere. If you acknowledge the boom every time you make a turn, you can successfully tack or jibe without getting smacked in the head and potentially getting a concussion. 
When we were in sailing class, my oh-so-punny brother made the comment, "Today I learned why the boom is called a 'boom'...the truth hurts." Ha.. well it's true. If we don't acknowledge Truth when it comes around.. it's gonna hit us in the head every time. And we can think we're doing fine... but that's probably the 3 second delay in a port-side jibe before the boom whips around before you have time to see it coming. 

There was one particularly windy day where it seemed like I was spending more time doing capsize recovery strategies than I was actually sailing.  When my boat capsized, I'd swim around to the bottom side of it as fast as I could but the wind was bad enough that my boat seemed to turtle in the water.  As the boat would turn completely upside-down, my dagger board would come out and I'd have to swim back to the cockpit and put the board back in so I could leverage my boat out of the water. Eventually I learned to use my tow-line and tie the board down by hitching it to the main cleat before swimming around and using all my muscles to pull my sail out of the mud and get the boat upright. I hated those high-wind days because you had to watch for the boom even when you tacked. I hated turning because the boom would come fast and it would hurt. But, not turning, not sailing, not moving wasn't an option.. even though the boom would hit my head. I got hit by the boom more times when I was in irons (that's when you put your bow to the wind so your sail doesn't catch anything and your boat doens't move)  than when I was turning. 

The boom is also essential for getting out of 'irons.' You have to grab hold of it with one hand and push your tiller extension away from you so  your boat sails backwards a little...it's kinda like backing out of parking space. But you couldn't get out without the boom. 

So in my life, when I refuse to acknowledge the truth.. I'm gonna be hit with it. When I refuse to walk with the Lord and I let my sails go slack and sit dead in the water, I'm going to be hit with the truth a lot more. When I get exhausted and tired and ready to quit.. that doesn't change what the Truth is or how it will treat me. You kinda have to fear it. You have to respect it. Because it's not going to be gentle with you even when your heart is tender. That's not to say God is not tender..He is! He is SO tender and loving and caring. But, when your heart is in sin, God doesn't change how he deals with that. No matter what the issue is, He's gonna smack you up side the head. Period. 

And you know what? The truth hurts. But it'll help you sail on the most epic adventures. It'll help you catch wind so you can get on top of the waves and feel like you're flying. It'll help you out of irons.. out of being stuck. And you can choose to be in irons for as long as you wish. Not moving, not doing anything. But the boom's just gonna be flapping in the wind and smacking you continuously in the head until you grab hold of it and let it help you out of irons and let it get you sailing again. 

I've been in irons the last week or so. I think I'm ready to take hold of the boom and sail again. 

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Here to Stay

I mentioned in my last post on rest that I have a brain that is very active even when trying to sleep. As annoying as it is, it has proved to be a blessing as well. 
Sleep is truly a wonderful thing! I love it. Especially since I have asked Jesus to meet me in my sleep and He does. Not only do I have dreams where He tells me I am loved, several times when I have awakened in the middle of the night my first thoughts have been to pray for whatever thought woke me up and to surrender it to the Lord. It's funny because most often my first thoughts in the morning are really incomplete and don't even make sense. But when I think on Jesus..He makes sense. 

A couple days ago I decided to reflect on what the Lord has been working in my life lately and I started by reading my blogs from 2011. I went through a brief valley in January of that year and it was interesting to see how I have grown in knowing the Lord since then. After reading through blogposts, I read through my prayer journal. Let me tell you, not only is my God loving.. He is faithful as well. 
He is consistent and He is faithful. 

My discipleship group is starting to examine the fruits of the Spirit. This may sound funny, and maybe even ridiculous, but I never really stopped to consider that all these things were characteristics of God. Of course "fruits of the Spirit" mean they come from God, but I think I've more considered them as things that grow in us if we abide in Christ. That's true. But it's characteristics of God that we get to experience by drawing near to Christ. Those fruits are the choice morsels of life we harvest in order to share with a hungry, starving world that has never tasted how good God is. 
In John 15 we see that Christ asks us to remain in Him, remain in His love and bear much fruit. While we get the benefit of partaking in the fruit ourselves, we were meant to share it. Share it with other believers, share it with non-believers. Share it with people who don't know what love tastes like. Who don't know what joy tastes like. Who don't know what peace tastes like. 

I've tasted it. I've tasted and seen that the Lord is good. And you know what? It's satisfying. I could partake of all the different junk foods of this world and while it might taste good in the moment, it will only leave me feeling bloated and gross and craving it more. 
So Paul tells us, as Christians, we are to train like athletes, like olympians pushing hard for the gold medal at the end of the competition. And when you think truly on what an athletes diet consists of, it probably has a lot more fruit than it does french fries. 

Okay, enough with the food tangent, I was just eating supper with my roommate and we're both being health conscious of what we eat for the sake of our intestinal health and so eating healthy is kind of on my mind. God's faithfulness is really what is causing my heart to flutter at this moment. 

Yesterday, Saturday, my day was filled to the brim. It started with me picking up a needed car part a little after 8:30am. Once I was home my friend, Reed, came over and installed it for me and then we discovered my car had died and so shortly after he left my friend, Deven, came over and jumped my car and mounted the part Reed installed and then Deven stuck around to make sure my car was safe to drive which included him installing a chain to keep the hood down and then me feeding him lunch and by the time he left it was about 2:30. And I was only alone long enough to gather what was needed for a Valentine making party and head off to my friend, Amanda's, apartment where I spent several hours with some other girls from connection group and I got home a little after 8pm and was only alone long enough to make a few plans, wash some wine glasses and then rush off to a sister evening with Grace and Pearl and by the time I was home around midnight, I was tired enough to fall asleep right away. 
So, basically, I don't like to be alone. Even those couple 5 or 10 minutes of having the house to myself before I rushed off to my next thing, I just felt uncomfortable with it. 

It's funny, cuz I could have the house to myself when I'm doing quiet time and I wouldn't feel alone. Christ spoke such beautiful words when he was physically on earth. "I am with you always, even to the end of the age."Some times I think He spoke them just for me and they were written down so that however many thousand years later I would read them and come to put my stake in the ground on that promise and pitch my tent there. I like Him being with me. I like knowing that He will never leave me. I like knowing that no matter what I put Him through, how He feels about me will never change and His affections will never die. I like how secure I am in His faithfulness. I like how no matter what, He thinks I'm precious. I like how He has faithfully and relentlessly pursued my heart even when my feelings for Him were not strong and even though He has captured my heart, He doesn't stop showing off. He doesn't stop. He is faithful. You know why? Because He thinks I'm worth it. 
How better to affirm that than stick to His guns and consistently pursue a heart that doesn't consistently love or honor or demonstrate that same passion in return? That speaks to my heart. That gets me. That's one of my love languages. I know there's really only 5 that people talk about, but I have a couple extra.

Speaking of love, I've gotten such positive responses from my, "Holy and Dearly Loved" post. I feel loved in how people have responded. (I think that's another love language I have). I decided to take what I learned from this last dark season and apply it to every dark season I can remember going through. What I found was, that throughout my life, God has consistently been teaching me how to love. And not just love, but love well. When I think of what I was like before I knew Jesus I rather chuckle because I was not a loving person. At all. God is so funny. Of course He was gonna take the most unloving, selfish, mean-spirited, rebellious heart and teach it to love. Me...of all people, love. 

More than that, He's put me in women's ministry. *That* is what's really funny. If there was ever a girl who didn't know the first thing on relating to their own sex and loving them well, I win.
You wanna know what it took to get me to that place? A relentless, loving, faithful God. You wanna know how long it's taken so far? 21 years. He's been after me for 21 years and He still promises He's gonna be around for however many years I have left. And after those years, I'm gonna be with Him for eternity. Forever. And He doesn't get sick of me. That's a whole lotta faithfulness right there. 

I hope I'm faithful. I can learn to love, but if I can't do that consistently or faithfully, that's not going to be worth a whole lot. You can't water a flower once and hope it will keep from wilting. You can't water a seed once and hope it will grow to a point of bearing fruit. You can't stick  your neck out and love that difficult person one time and hope that it changes their entire countenance or attitude. 

This afternoon, I took one of the most glorious naps I've had in a long time. It was a rainy sunday afternoon and after having reflected on how God's faithfulness has been another display of His love I found myself crawling under my covers to thaw out my toes a little. With the rain pattering on the skylight above my bed, I soon fell fast asleep where my loving Jesus met me in my dreams. I love that. I love waking up and feeling loved because I was reminded of it while I was asleep. I love that God can use an active sleeping brain to display His glory and character. He pursues me in my sleep. 

There was a point last semester when I found myself having a difficult and painful conversation with someone and all throughout I was praying the Lord would be near to my heart. As I kept my team of prayer warriors updated, one of them had texted me with the lines to a song we sing in Salt that goes, "Yahweh, Yahweh. Faithful God, you're here to stay. Yahweh, Yahweh forever and always the same."
And in that moment, I felt God with me. I knew He wasn't gonna leave. No matter what, He was in it for the long haul. And I have come to know Him better since then. 

After all that I've gone through up to this point, more than anything in the world, no matter what life takes me through in the future, no matter what Satan tells me about God causing the pain in my world, no matter what trial, what sorrow, what mountain or valley, I want *my* response to be, "Faithful God, I'm here to stay."You know why? I wanna be like that. I want to be known as a faithful person. I want people to get a taste of who God is. And if that is not a fruit that I'm displaying in my life, than people who interact with me aren't going to know. I want them to know. 

They need to know that my faithful Father is here to stay.  



Friday, February 8, 2013

Rest

I love Fridays!! Fridays are my sabbath. I don't have class and so I've made it my day to sleep in and spend my first hour with my Jesus. I think I look forward to Friday a little more each week when my alarm goes off at 5:50am Monday morning. 

One of the reasons I love Fridays so much is because I actually sleep on Thursday nights. I'm actually a really light sleeper and any sound, light, or drop in temperature wakes me up pretty easily. Throw in a brain that never really shuts off and I'm averaging about 6 hours of sleep a night. I go to bed at a decent hour, but starting Sunday nights all the way to Thursday, I wake up to see my alarm clock telling my the time at 1am, 3am, 4am, 5am, and 6am. I get so stressed about waking up on time that I don't really rest when I sleep and I wake up constantly. About a week ago I went to sleep on a wednesday night and dreamed it was Thursday. I woke up with a start at 4:15am and actually thought that I had fallen asleep taking a Thursday afternoon nap and that I needed to get up and get ready for class at 6:30. I went so far as to turn on my bedside lamp and put my feet on the floor before I realized it was actually early morning. I sleep well on Thursday nights simply because I don't have a specific time that I need to wake up on Fridays and so I sleep through the whole night. The Lord wakes me up around 8 and I always feel so refreshed after a full night's rest. 

So what does my poor sleep pattern have to do with anything? Well, let me tell you. The Lord invites us to rest. I think I take it literally on Thursday nights because I know when I wake up, I'm going to have coffee with Jesus and we're going to spend a couple hours together. 
This morning, my quiet time was about rest. Isn't that funny? I've read the passage where He invites us weary and heavy burdened souls to come to Him and rest and take His yoke upon us. I love it, and it makes me feel loved, but I've never really thought in detail just what a loving thing that is that He invites us to that. 

This morning I came across Mark 6:31 where Jesus says to His disciples, "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest." Isn't that beautiful? He literally tells them, "seriously, take a break. Leave all that's weighing you down behind you, drop it for a moment, and rest." 
My quiet place is in a comfy white chair that was my great grandfather's that is  not only next to my coffee pot, but is also conveniently close to the only heat vent in my room in case heat ever actually comes out of it. 

One of my biggest struggles in life is not being able to say "no" along with thinking that I can manage everything. I have this thought that if I don't step up, then who will? I'm coming to realize that it could be a pride thing. I like people to think I'm wonderful when I do lots of things. But I heard this great quote this morning from Beth Moore and she said, "We cannot do a thousand things to the glory of God. Our attempt to do so is ridding us of an expensive thing called 'excellence.'"
It's quite humbling to hear that, actually. I was reading over some of my blogs from last fall and in one of my september ones I had mentioned that I was doing a billion things and feeling overwhelmed but loving it all. It's funny when you look back and see disregarded warning signs and you think, "ughh.. why didn't I see that? Why didn't I slow down and stop then?" But at the same time, I became so tired and exhausted and wounded in an emotional battle that by the time my winter break from school came, not only did I allow myself to rest physically, I came to know a spiritual rest that I had never "needed" before. 

You know what? I think God likes to be needed. I think we experience that wanting as a taste of what God experiences. I love people. I love interacting with people. I love serving people. I love loving people. I love being needed because I love to demonstrate my passion and love for people who need it. The greater people need me, the more broken, run down, exhausted, belittled, rejected they are, the more I feel needed, the more room there is for me to pour into them, the more affirmed I feel. Perhaps God is the same way. And that is why He invites us to rest in Him. Because when we become exhausted, there's room for Him to give us life. The more loss we experience, the more room there is for His comfort. 

You know why He tells us to wait sometimes? Because He loves us. I think that by telling us to wait, He gets to spend more time with us before we rush off to the next thing. We're so eager to jump up and be busy with something, some "calling" we have and He holds us back by putting His hand out in front of us and is like, "Wait just a second. Wait and spend some time with me. Wait and rest. Wait and allow yourself to be in my presence for more than the few seconds that you made that request. Just wait, I want to be with you." 

When I grew up, and I've still heard this recently, I was told that there are 3 ways God answers our prayers: "Yes" "No" and "Not right now." I don't know if I really agree with that. I don't think there's ever a time when God says, "Not right now." When I was growing up, "not right now" meant that the person I was asking of was busy. God is never too busy. God rests. In the last 4 months I have requested of God to take a certain pain from my heart so many times that I don't even have a number for it. That pain stayed a long time. It stayed until I got in the habit of spending genuine time resting in the Lord. I don't think His answer was "Yes," "No," or even "Not right now" even though the pain eventually left. I think His answer was, "Rest." And there were countless times along the way that I thought there was something I was failing to surrender that was causing the pain to stay but I came to realize that wasn't it. I think God let me keep experiencing it so I would need Him. Of course I always need Him, but I really really needed him. 

There's a song that I hear often that I absolutely love. It's Redeemed by Big Daddy Weave and the opening lines are, "

Seems like all I could see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me "son
Stop fighting a fight it's already been won"


Mmmm. Isn't that good? Especially the last bit. You know what happens when you stop fighting a fight that's already been won? You rest. You don't have to fight anymore.  I think that's what God is calling us to now. Stop fighting. Put down the sword, put down everything, step away, enter into His tent and rest. And seriously, a little advice from someone who has been there, if you don't drop things and step away when He says so, He might just take them out of your hands for you. He wants your surrender and if you're not able to put your hands up, it's probably because they are too full of stuff. Stuff He'd rather carry for you. Sometimes He kinda has to take us through a lot to get us to a willing point of accepting rest. Trust me, you heal faster if you don't let yourself get maimed in battle  first. 

So here's how I see it, rest is one of the most beautiful commandments God ever made. Because He loves us. Because He cares about when we get run down. He cares about when we can't do it all. He cares about us feeling overwhelmed. He cares about when stress prevents us from sleeping. He cares. 
So rest. Carve out some time to be with Jesus if you have to. But He is inviting you to be with Him by yourselves in a quiet place. I strongly encourage you to accept it. 

Friday, February 1, 2013

Holy and Dearly Loved

I'm so overwhelmed with the goodness of God right now that I don't even know if there is a starting point for it all. 
I know I keep referring to last semester when I went through a dark time, but it was such a monumental time in my walk with God and I am still every day learning from it and realizing just how incredibly big and wonderful my Father is and how he plans so carefully the details of my life. 
So last semester when I was going through my valley of darkness, I hated going to sleep. I hated the night time because I no longer had something to fill my time or occupy my thoughts and distract me from the pain that overwhelmed my heart. I would lay in my bed trying to fall asleep but mostly I would just cry and think on the pain I was experiencing. People would tell me that God was in control of all things and that He had all this planned and all I could think of as a response was, "No.. God is not cruel. I don't want to believe that this was God's design." And it wasn't just relationships, it was school and my character and even my faith in God that seemed to be victim to the storm in which I had found myself to be drowning. I felt that there was no way that God, in His loving, compassionate self, could have wanted my heart to experience that gutting that it did and that it was simply caused by the world being a cruel place to live. It was my belief that while God didn't want me to be in the pain that I was, He was going to rescue me from it eventually.  

I think I was wrong. If I truly believe that God is in control of all things, than I would have to believe that God caused all of that. But, my God is not cruel. The explanation for all of that continues to be revealed to me day by day. The closer I have come to God in all of this, the more I have come to seeing how beautiful His ways are. At one point during that time, a family member whom I greatly admire sent me an email containing Colossians 3:12-17 encouraging me to clothe myself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. She encouraged me to put on love and receive Christ's love for me, to be thankful, to let the peace of Christ rule in my heart. I've thought about this often since I first read it. I had read it before, probably multiple times, but the timing of receiving this Word again was  captivating to me. Why now? I mean, we are always called to do those things, but what was so significant about doing it right at that moment?

I love going to sleep now. As I let my body rest, I talk to Jesus and ask Him to be near to me and take me into His presence. He does. As my eyes are shut He shows be beautiful visions of what He is doing and I have often heard His voice whispering His words of love and healing into the deepest places of my heart.Last night I had a class that starts and 6:30 and doesn't end til 9pm. There was a cold advisory for temperatures that dropped well below zero and a wind advisory that brought the temp down to -29. That's not exactly safe for walking a mile 1/2, especially after dark. My mom gave me this ridiculously big coat that's so big that I can't even get my backpack on over it and I feel like a walking marshmallow when I wear it. I've been refusing to wear it for the last several months because I don't like to look silly. 
Last night, it was too cold and so on went the coat. I did feel a little silly, but I felt it was worth it. The coat was so glorious that I didn't even feel the temperature change when I stepped outside apart from my legs. 

As I was falling asleep I asked Jesus to take me to His garden again, as that is the place we often go together when He tells me of the plans He has for me life. We had a lovely conversation. He was showing me the green grass and the plants that thrive and a beautiful pool where one cools off when it seems too hot. I asked Him if there was a fireplace for warming up after getting cold. He told me it doesn't get cold there. I told Him it is cold where I live now, quite miserable in fact. He said He knew. I asked Him why. Why must we experience the cold? That's when He told me that hard things we go through are like the cold. But we must dress for it and be prepared. That is why we clothe ourselves with compassion and kindness, gentleness and patience. That is why we put on Christ's love. Because when the trials come, we are not affected by them. Just like that big coat didn't let any cold in, that's what those things are for us. When we put on all those things, we are protected from any bitter seeds growing in our hearts. If we don't, may catch a cold or a sinus infection that makes it so our ministry needs a sick leave. 

Is that not beautiful? God is so clever. Because even SNOW works in that picture. God blankets everything with Him, his purity, His love, and He preserves it for us when we come out of our trials into a beautiful Springtime. 

This morning I was listening to Beth Moore's talk on getting out of the pit. She described "The Pit" as being anything negative that we cannot get ourselves out of. She said there are three ways of getting in, 1) You can get thrown in. 2) You can slip in. 3) You can jump in. 
It was the one about slipping that really got to me. She talked about struggling with sin that we never ever expected to. Like being hit by a curveball and all the sudden finding yourself in a place that you never ever planned to be. That was me. Shortly before things "fell apart" completely, I had found myself fighting against temptations that I never thought would have been my struggle. I even had told several of my accountability partners, "I never expected this to be me." But as I listened to this, the verse that said, "But as for me, my feet had almost slipped; I had nearly lost my foothold"(Ps 73:2) played through my head. And then the Holy Spirit promptly reminded me, "But you didn't! I saved you! See? If things hadn't "fallen apart" than maybe you would have been in that pit. But I held your hand. I kept you from falling in. It's because I love you. That is my great plan. I loved you too much to let you fall in. And not only that, but when you experienced pain, you clung to me. You wanted to know me better and that is how I drew you in. Don't you see it? It's because I love you."

My God is not cruel. How abounding in love He is!! He withholds no good things from those He loves! Even if that good thing must be found when digging through the rubble of something lost. Even if that good thing comes through some form of pain. Even if that good thing is seeing how He heals a broken heart, He doesn't hold back. I've come to realize that that "good thing" is Him. He doesn't withhold any part of His goodness from us. We get to experience all of His love, all of His compassions, all of His grace, all of His joy, all of His courage, all of His comfort, all of His strength. 
But how then shall we experience it if we do not need it? How will we experience comfort if we have not experienced loss? How will we experience grace if we have not fallen? How will we experience joy if we have not hurt? How will He demonstrate His good things for us if He doesn't have our attention? 

No, He loves us too much. He will do incredible things to demonstrate that. He will pull us out of pits, carry us through fires, take us through deep waters, hold our hands in dark places, and take us in His arms and love us with an incredible passion that we will never fully comprehend. And that is why He says in scripture, "Holy and Dearly Loved." That is what He calls us. That is what we are.